Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty in every age of life really never grows old.
FRANZ KAFKA
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Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.
Steve Martin
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The four most beautiful words in our common language:
I told you so.
Gore Vidal
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Gordie Howe on The Language of Sports
All pro athletes are
bilingual. They speak English and profanity.
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I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure
if I ever went there, I could get by.
Bonnie McFarlane
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If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.
Recording on an Australian tax help line
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I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
Steven Wright
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The Unathletic Camper’s Baseball Glossary
Baseball bat: a wooden or
metal bar that can easily fly out of someone’s hands.
Foul ball: a moment when you think, Holy @#$%, I got a hit!
Babe Ruth: someone who people tell you was also overweight.
Right field: a quiet place…
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My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds
a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the
circumcision.”
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Choosing a movie? Don’t trust these extremely abbreviated plot
explanations.
• The Shining: A family’s first Airbnb experience goes very wrong. @janmpdx
• The Lord of the Rings: Group spends nine hours returning jewelry. @eserunsalan
• Titanic: Everyone tries the ice-bucket challenge. @generalist
• Beauty and the Beast: Stockholm syndrome works. @DanSlott
• The Chronicles of Narnia: Kid comes out of the closet. @SueChainzz
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The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway.
As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer’s friends asked, “How did you do that?”
The golfer shrugged. “You have to know the bus schedule.”
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My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
“Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?”
“Nothing. She’s just having contractions.”
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A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for the food.”
The panda yells back, “Hey, man, I’m a panda. Look it up!”
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: “A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
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Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God’s will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.
The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God’s creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
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A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer ………… and some of those peanuts.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but why the big paws?”
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A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”
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A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”
The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
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Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, “My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?”
A soothing voice at the other end says, “Don’t worry, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s really dead.”
After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. “Okay,” he says nervously to the operator. “What do I do next?”
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After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire.
“But you can’t!” protested the boss. “Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?”
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome back to the weekend!
I hope you all made it through the week ok.
I had a pretty ok day. I had breakfast, and then went to the park as usual. Then I went to Lowe's and bought some blinds for a window in my bedroom.
When I got home the mailman delivered a new AM/FM CD player that I ordered for my truck. The old one keeps giving error messages when you're trying to listen to a CD. It will kick out of CD mode to the radio, and then you can't get the CDs to play again for days.
Well, I took the old one out, and noticed something different right off the bat. The old one is way heavier than the new one. They look exactly alike, so I stuck the new one in and turned it on, and started trying to load my CDs, but it would only take one.
My old one is a 6 CD changer.
It said it was for an 06-F150, and one of the pictures that I saw had a
6 CD label on it. It was a different one though, when I went back and looked at it again. Everything else is exactly the same.
Now I have to decide whether to keep this one, or send it back, and pay another $140 to get a 6 CD changer.
I didn't like the blinds either.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, Space, Ana and everyone. Joe what a bummer! Space today is saturday. Ana good luck with the race! it's a very bright full moon out there! Coffee and tea are ready. Enjoy your day everyone! 
Won't they at least give you your money back if you send it back?
He just had a second interview, so with any luck, he'll be working there soon. 
