The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.
WILLIAM ARTHUR WARD
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My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat
circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”
The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.”
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I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have
a better chance of dying from the
anesthesia than the surgery itself.”
````````````````
My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time,
I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.
After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”
Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”
`````````````````
The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up.
“How old are you?” a tenant asked.
“I’m 81 years old,” he answered.
The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”
``````````````````
We were tearing down an
old three-seater outhouse when my neighbor asked if she could have the single-plank, three-hole outhouse seat. I said sure.
Six months later, she invited me
to her home. There she showed
off her newly designed family room, complete with a single-plank,
three-hole picture frame featuring her three grandchildren.
`````````````````````
Have you ever been a victim
of a JIB (job interview breakdown)? These men and women have:
• “I was so nervous at a job interview, when he asked me what I wanted to be in five years, I said, ‘Race car driver.’”
• “The guy asked me to tell him
a little about myself, and I literally forgot who I was.”
• “I got asked about punctuality.
I went on about how it was good
to speak clearly and politely, and
it was nice to use proper grammar
in speech and writing.”
`````````````````
My friend, an intern, was given $50 to get the chairman of the bank some lunch. Told to get himself something, he bought a shirt.
```````````````````
The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for
our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”
My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”
The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”
````````````````
My high school assignment
was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served
in the Philippines during the war,
I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”
`````````````````
My wife, a phlebotomist at the Denver VA hospital, entered a patient’s room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she
remarked, “An apple a day keeps
the doctor away, right?”
“That’s true,” he agreed. “I haven’t seen a doctor in three days.”
`````````````````
My colleague has been living
in this country only a few months,
and although normally chipper, he recently looked sad. When I asked what was wrong, he responded glumly, “Today, everything wrong is going in my favor.”
```````````````
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
```````````````````
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?” The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”
“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”
`````````````````
Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who’s going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one.
“Break it to her gently,” they all urge.
“Leave it to me,” he says.
When Smith’s wife comes to the door, Anderson says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.”
“How much?” the wife yells, eyes blazing. “Tell him to drop dead!”
``````````````````
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries.
“He says you’re gonna die.”
``````````````````
A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I’m nervous as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” asked the collie.
“I can’t,” replied the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
```````````````
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Walt Disney didn’t die. He’s in suspended animation.
Live and Learn
Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. “Let’s set some parameters,” the professor said. “What’s the opposite of joy?” he asked one student.
“Sadness,” he replied.
“The opposite of depression?” he asked
another student.
“Elation,” he replied.
“The opposite of woe?” the prof asked a young woman from Texas.
The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddyup.”
`````````````````
Good morning every someone.
I'm sorry that's my bad.
Good morning every somebody.
Boy I am sleepy. I don't even feel like I've been to bed yet.
Then again, when I wake up in the mornings, I don't feel like I've been to bed yet either.
I'm feeling ambitious today though. I think I'll trim my toe nails.
What do y'all got going today?
Whatever it is, have a happy day.
joe
acebook
witter
everybody! Enjoy the day!
Good Morning Joe, MaG, Ana and everyone. Joe keep smiling! 
MaG have a happy day! 
Ana hope you stay dry! 
Hope it's a great TGIF for you!
Boys will be here later.
