CLAUDE PEPPER
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”
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Guy: Your glasses can’t be bad—you just got them!
Girl: Yeah, but I cheated on the eye exam, so it’s really my own fault.
Guy: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Girl: I’m very competitive.
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Girl: Why would he say that I was not educated?
Friend: Well, that’s not exactly what he said, now, was it?
Girl: No. He said I was tapid and voided of thought.
Friend: Vapid and devoid of thought.
Girl: Same thing.
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Girl #1 (picking up box of baking soda): I didn’t know soda was baked.
Girl #2: Thank God it’s not fried! Do you know how many extra calories that would be?!
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Did you hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
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Matt swallowed all the tiles from his Scrabble set. Doctors said the problem will work itself out, but not in so many words.
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Did you hear the one about the mime who went shopping? He only bought unmentionables.
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Did you hear the one about the 400-pound cartoonist? He was overdrawn.
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Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed some space.—
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A man walks into a seafood store carrying a trout under his arm.
“Do you make fish cakes?” he asked.
“Yes, we do,” replied the fishmonger.
“Great,” said the man. “It’s his birthday.”
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A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers, and drinks them. The bartender asks, “Would you like to know where the bathroom is?” “No,” says the pig. “I’m the little piggy that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.”
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Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder, and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”
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A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be $1.49.” The duck replies, “Put it on my bill.”
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A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear. Legal experts are expecting a brief trial.
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A man walks into a restaurant and says, “How do you prepare your chickens?” The cook replies, “Nothing special. We just tell ’em they’re gonna die.”
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A hermit leaves the solitude of his rural home and ventures into town for the first time in his life to try to get a loan.
Inside the bank, he tells the manager, “I want to borrow $10,000 to build a bathroom in my house.”
“I don’t believe I know you,” says the manager. “Where have you done your business before?”
The hermit replies, “Out back in the woods.”
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What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
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Why can’t a woman ask her brother for help?
Because he can’t be a brother and assist her too.
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What did the Buddhist say to the pizza guy?
“Make me one with everything.”
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There was a man who entered a pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar and ask for a drink. The bartender says, “OK, but I don’t want you starting anything in here.”
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Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or Twist?”
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The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”
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A schoolteacher was arrested at the airport for trying to go through security with a slide rule and a calculator. He was charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
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An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt. “What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. “ ‘Here, boy,’ ” he replies.
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At the nudist colony for communists, two men are sitting on the front porch. One turns to the other and says, “I say, have you read Marx?” The other replies, “Yes … I believe it’s these wicker chairs.”
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Wife: “Honey, did you notice? I bought a new toilet brush.”
Husband: “Yes, I did. But I still prefer the paper.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
Boy howdy. Trying to remember the days is driving me batty.
Thank you MaG. I though you'd never give us a bat smiley.
Today is Thursday, which is another day, just like the other day.
Don't ask me which day.
I'm watching a movie right now, even though someone told me if I take a picture it'll last longer.
A picture doesn't move me.
Ok that's enough of that tripe.
There! A little tripe to go with your corn.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
So what movie are you watching? Have a happy day Joe! 
Thus, I'm heading out for a walk. So nice to get up and see 70 instead of 90 
Now I've got this mental picture of YOU as a mushroom! So funny. Actually it's kinda cute though.