In those whom I like, I can find no common denominator; in those whom I love I can: they all make me laugh.
W.H. Auden
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A hiker stumbles upon a golden lamp in the forest. He rubs it, and out pops a real-life genie.
“In return for freeing me,” says the genie, “I will grant you three wishes.”
“I want a million more wishes,” the hiker says immediately.
“Rule number one: No asking for more wishes.”
The hiker considers his options before replying, “In that case, I want a million more genies.”
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Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
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The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.
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I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing.”
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A man vacations on a tropical island, and the first thing he hears is drums. He goes to the beach and hears the drums; he eats lunch, he hears the drums; he tries to sleep, he can’t—drums. Finally he storms over to the manager. “I’ve had it! Can’t you stop those drums?” he begs.
“No!” says the manager. “It’s very bad if the drums stop.”
“Why?”
“When the drums stop, the bass solo begins.”
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Names For Groups You Never Knew
A pride of lions, a gaggle of geese … and here’s how we might classify these groups:
• A brat of boys
• A giggle of girls
• A stagger of drunks
• A tedium of accountants
• A stitch of doctors
• A whine of losers
• A jerk of politicians
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I told the kids I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. So they unplugged my computer and threw out my wine.
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Famous film quotes get the redneck treatment:
• “You had me at ‘Sooooey!’”
• “Use the horse, Luke.”
• “Are you crying? There’s no crying in NASCAR!”
• “Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to pull her ’68 Rambler into mine.”
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Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Only one, but she has to do it while you’re eating dinner.
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Q: How many 16-year-olds does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Whatever.
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Q: How many tech-support folks does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: We have a light-bulb here, and it works fine. Can you tell me what kind of bulb you have? OK. There could be four or five things wrong. Now, I need you to look at the light switch, and tell me if it is in the on position.
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I think the expression “It’s a small world” is really a euphemism for “I keep running into people I can’t stand.”
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Warning Labels We can Really Use:
Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.”
Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.”
Wikipedia: “Warning label does
not exist. Would you like to create warning label?”
Match.com: “Contents may just be settling.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
What a great day! I can't believe it's trash day already. Scary!
I still remember the good old days when I only had to take the trash out. Now I have to take the trash out
AND haul the trash container all the way out to the road once a week. BOY!
It's hard on an old man.
I used to tell people I don't mind getting older, I just hate having to act my age, but things have changed.
I hate them both now.
I still like sleeping though.
Some of my best memories came back to me while I was sleeping.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, Ana and all. Joe love the funnies! Ana nice you finished painting and like the color! Sounds like the next job will be tricky! Coffee and tea are ready. Enjoy your day everyone! 
Good morning everyone, have a Great Tuesday. I will never act my age either, that's no fun. Checking hurricane supplies today, then dinner and karaoke tonight. Danish, BB Pancakes, Waffles, and Bacon Sandwiches in the NC. 
The sun is trying to come out so maybe I can get out and get some sunset photos. It's been a week! 
