If the whole world was blind, how many people would you impress?
BOONAA MOHAMMED
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Every year on my birthday, I looked forward to my aunt’s gift—a scarf, hat, or sweater knitted by hand. One year, she must have had better things to do because I received a ball of yarn, knitting needles, and a how-to-knit book. Her card read "Scarf, some assembly required."
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Because it was my brother’s birthday, our mom wanted to do something special. She called his fraternity house and said she wanted to bring a cake. The young man who took the call was very excited. "Hey, Mrs. Schaeffer," he said, "that would be great!"
The next day she drove to the fraternity and rang the doorbell. The same boy answered the door. When he saw the cake, his face fell. "Oh," he said, clearly disappointed. "I thought you said ‘keg.’ "
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As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by friends, relatives and co-workers. Over the years I’ve noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries.
In my teens, friends would ask, “Who are you going out with this weekend?”
In my 20s, relatives would say, “Who are you dating?”
In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, “So, are you dating anyone?”
Now people ask, “Where did you get that adorable purse?”
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At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just stared.
“Don’t you want to sit on the bunny’s lap?” I asked.
“No!” he shouted. “There’s a man in his mouth!”
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For Martin Luther King Day, I asked my fifth graders how they’d make the world a better place. One said, “I’d make potato skins a main dish rather than an appetizer.”
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While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?”
The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”
He promptly replied, “Another train.”
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It’s New Year’s Eve, and the restaurant is hopping—revelers, band, overworked waiters. Wending his way through the crowd is a drunk, staggering back to his seat. Spotting an attractive woman sitting alone, he says, “Pardon me, miss, did I step on your feet a few minutes ago?”
“Yes,” she says testily, “you did.”
“Good! I knew my table was around here somewhere.”
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When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized
is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are: “disappointment-sized.”
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Funny, Dumb and Stupid Warning Labels
Do not use while sleeping.
Sears hair dryer
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
Bag of Fritos
Use like regular soap.
Dial soap
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
Swann frozen dinner
Fits one head.
Shower cap box
Do not turn upside down.
Bottom of Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert box
Product will be hot after heating.
Marks & Spencer bread pudding
Do not iron clothes on body.
Rowenta iron
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
Boot’s children’s cough medicine
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
Nytol
Warning: Keep out of children.
Korean kitchen knife
For indoor or outdoor use only.
Chinese Christmas lights
Not to be used for the other use.
Japanese food processor
Warning: Contains nuts.
Sainsbury’s peanuts
Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
American Airlines peanut packet
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
Swedish chainsaw
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Top 10 Dumb Sports Quotes & Bloopers of All Time
1. Well, I see in the game in Minnesota that Terry Felton has relieved himself on the mound in the second inning. — Fred White, Kansas City Royals sportscaster, reading a wire-service summary that mistakenly showed the same starter and relief pitcher for the Minnesota Twins.
2. “I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” – Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
3. “We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” – Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.
4. “I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.”
-Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships.
5. “I quit school in the sixth grade because of pneumonia. Not because I had it, but because I couldn’t spell it.”
-Boxing great Rocky Graziano
6. “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father”
-Greg Norman
7. “I’m rich. What am I supposed to do, hide it?”
-Detroit Tiger Lou Whitaker, arriving in a stretch limo for a players’ union meeting during the 1994 baseball strike.
8. “The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.”
Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.
9. “I can play in the center, on the right, and occasionally on the left side." – soccer star David Beckham, asked if he was a “volatile" player.
10. “Half this game is ninety per cent mental.” – Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager.
Honorable mention:
“There is one word in America that says it all, and that word is, ‘You never know.’”
-Pitcher Joaquin Andujar
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to Joe's Diner where people come for the great food, and stay for the great company.
This diner edition comes to you only a day after the last one.
I sedate me......
That's kinda my goal anyway since I bought a new pillow today.
The old one was flat.....like my feet.
I have another one on the other side, but it's too fat........like my head.
I needed one that's just right.......like my right hand.
I'm sorry, my other right hand.....
Changing my name to Goldie.
Hey, you know what the Mexican equivalent of GI Joe Rise of the Cobra is called??
GI Jose Rise of the Chupa-Cobra.
Been watching that movie this week.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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witter
THere is a lot going on in that head of yours, isn't there, Joe? 
You always make me chuckle! 
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Joe you are too funny! Ana what are you up to today? Coffee and tea are ready. Wishing you all a great day! 
Rah Rah
