HELEN KELLER

Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.

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Here are the top 50 best George Carlin jokes, quotes and one liners from his stand up routine. It wasn’t easy to narrow down the hundreds of great lines from comedian George Carlin, but these are 50 of his funniest, most thought provoking and sometimes controversial lines.

1. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
2. Swimming is not a sport; swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
3. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
5. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
6. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
7. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
8. It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
9. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done."
10. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
11. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
12. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
13. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
15. “I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do" is the longest sentence?
16. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
17. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
18. When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
19. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
20. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?"
21. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
22. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
23. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."
24. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
25. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
26. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
27. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
28. What year did Jesus think it was?
29. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
30. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
31. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
32. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
33. People who ask, “Can I ask you a question?" Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya there, buddy?
34. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
36. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
37. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
38. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
39. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
40. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
41. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lof worth paying attention to.
42. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
43. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
44. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
45. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
46. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
47. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
48. Life is a zero sum game.
49. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
50. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

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Good morning everyboomie.


Only 19 shopping days left until Halloween.


I had a goulish time at the grocery store checkout, but I got all of mine done last month.


I bought everybody a Baby Ruth............as long as they get here before I eat them.


Now for Thanksgiving.


Not sure what I'll do, but I've got plenty of time for that.


I'll start working on the list after my pedicure this afternoon.


I sure love Thanksgiving, and most people that know me have much to be thankful for.


It's all those restraining orders.


Have a happy Thursday everyone.


joe

Happy Thursday to you too, Joe!

Have a great day everyone!

Ana

Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Coffee and tea are ready!
Wishing you all a Happy Day!

Good Morning Boomers

Joe, have a great day!

Ana, happy day wishes!

Gerry, if the coffee is ready..I'll be needing a cup. Enjoy the day!

Good morning everyone, have a Super Thursday. I spent yesterday cutting back plants and picking up in the yard. It is finely cooling off a bit. Danish, BB Pancakes, Pumpkin Spice Waffles, and Bacon Sandwiches in the NC.

Love the George Carlin jokes. My favorite skit on TV was the 'Hippy Dippy Weatherman'. He would give the weather in such irreverent terms! He usually ended up with 'a chance of rain in the mountains, and for those of you in the Valleys...RUN!

Kittens growing. 8 weeks old tomorrow. All 3 are touchable if I grab them fast. Mom is being very good about making sure they are close to me. All 3 can now climb to the feeding table. No more putting down food for the ants. At least one is a boy. The other two are still to be determined. The fat, really fuzzy one, is so hard to see anything 'down there'. I'm thinking it's a girl but won't know for awhile. Darn. Cutest little cats. One fuzz ball and 2 sleek tuxedos just like mom. They are getting used to being chased by Penelope Peacock.

SHE is no longer sitting on eggs. I guess the yard where she lays them finally took the rotting eggs away again this year. She's back on normal schedule of sitting on my neighbor's porch railing watching traffic go by, then prancing over and up my driveway, up to the trellis, over the roof, down to the deck, and then her usual eating of bugs and sunflower seeds and catfood on the table (scaring everyone away). Then the entire day, she is hunkered down in the shade or up on the roof preening. I think I liked it better when she was only here for 3-4 minutes. No bird poop to hose off. I've already stepped in it and am now going out to get the rest. She should be arriving soon.

Still at night she is making a very strange noise. I think it's a mating call. Does it every few hours all night. I 'think' I heard an answer call from across the street, but it could have been someone playing around and mimicking it. Won't know till I SEE another bird. Time will tell.

Thumping Good Thursday ya'll

Doggies and I had a nice walk and also a chance to chat with my neighbor. Now I"m fighting the nap urge, but pretty sure it's gonna win. Think the boys are coming over tonight.

Good afternoon Boomers.

Afternoon, Space, welcome home

looney

Night all, sweet dreams

Nighty night...