I knew a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
JOHNNY CARSON
`````````````````
This is a compilation of some of the best out of office Automatic email replies...I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail
to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
You are receiving this automatic notification, because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over
and over....)
Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
I've run away to join a different circus.
I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.
```````````````````
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note.
* * * * * * * * * *
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
* * * * * * * * * *
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
* * * * * * * * * *
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
* * * * * * * * * *
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:
* * * * * * * * * *
Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your --- and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
`````````````````
Booze QuotesI feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
- Frank Sinatra
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
- Timothy Walsh
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
- Anonymous
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
- W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
- Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
- Brian O'Rourke
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline... it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
- Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
- Winston Churchill
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
- Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
- Humphrey Bogart
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
- Homer Simpson
```````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I hope everyone is doing awesome this Thumping Thursday morning.
Today I'm planning on getting my Halloween costume ready.
I don't want to wait till the last moment and get caught with my nickers down.
I think this is going to scare the freckles off every little kid that comes to my door.
I'll be going to Walmart to pick up a few things. I need some really red lipstick, a blond wig, and then I've gotta go get a waxing.
My Halloween costume is my superhero villain 'Harley Quinn'.
I hope the stockings don't squeeze too tight.
Actually I've never even seen that movie, but I've seen her photos, and I think I'd walk through Mordor to hold her candy bag. No joking.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Note From Author:
The intent of this post is to scare the pants off of everyone who reads it.
If you happen to read it, and are not scared to death, then you may be mentally disturbed.
Seek help from a professional.
acebook
witter
I'll be wonder woman! 
Good Morning Joe, Ana, Space and all. Coffee and tea are ready. 
Good morning everyone, have a Great Thump Day. Going to karaoke tonight at Post Time. Danish, Bacon Sandwiches, BB Pancakes, and Pumpkin Waffles in the NC. 
