I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller
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I don’t know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.
—Robert Brault
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I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.
—Reid Faylor
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I wonder if Halloween is the one day of the year Lady Gaga wears sensible slacks.
Jimmy Kimmel
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When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are: “disappointment-sized.”
Jimmy Kimmel
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Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.
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Top Ten Ways To Be An Annoying Usher...10. Show up drunk. I mean REALLY drunk.
9. SQUEEZE as many people as you can in each row before opening up the next one. We're going for efficiency here.
8. Two words: "Bathroom Key"
7. Insist on frisking all female guests. Body cavity searches are optional.
6. "March" down the aisle and speak with a German accent as you show people to their seats.
5. Urinate in front of each row you are about to open up. Make comments about marking your territory.
4. Pretend you are the Phantom of the Opera. Lurk in the shadows when time permits.
3. Offer your "services" to all guests.
2. Offer guests the opportunity to be included in your plans for world domination.
1. Insist on a pants-free environment.
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Top Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents...10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.
9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.
8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?
7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.
5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.
4. Can you believe it! Those dead beats at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!
2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.
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Top Ten Reasons Studying is Better Than Sex...10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!
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Top Ten Signs Your Spouse Is Having A Cyber Affair...10. Lately, she sits at the computer naked.
9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.
8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.
5. Every day, Bill Gates sends 10 million dollars worth of flowers.
4. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.
3. During sex she screams "A COLON BACKSLASH ENTER INSERT!!!!"
2. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass.
1. Lipstick on the mouse.
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Top Ten Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped...1. The cucumber has left the salad.
2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
3. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
6. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
7. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary".
8. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
9. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
10. Men are From Mars, women can see Your [blip]
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Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Real Estate Agent When You Go To Settlement On Your New Home...1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's garden."
2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground."
3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it."
4. "One bleeding toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."
5. "Your neighbour has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer' bees."
6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property."
7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity."
8. "Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice sessions right next door?"
9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder."
10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."
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Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He's one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?
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TOP TEN LIST OF PUT DOWNS TO MEN1. Please don't talk to my breasts. You won't be meeting them.
2. If you want to control someone, sleep with your remote.
3. I always choose chocolate over men. ALWAYS
4. 51% love goddess...49% [blip]. Care to push your luck?
5. My sexual preference is NO
6. My body is my temple, now get on your knees and pray.
7. It's not the size that counts, it's...no, wait, size does count.
8. Remember men, girls are made of sugar, spice and everything nice.
9. Men are like hardwood floors, lay them right the first time and you
can walk all over them forever.
10. Save your breath for you inflatable date.
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Good morning everyboomie.
I am so ready for Halloween. How about you guys?
I'm not sure I'll be on the receiving end of many treats though this year.
Last night I was visited by the ghost of Halloweens past.
He took me back to a time when I left all of my lights off and pretended I wasn't home.
That was last year.
Then he took me to a future Halloween where I only gave each kid one corn candy.
Then he took me to the middle of a cemetery and left me.
That didn't bother me, but all the voices crying "Trick or Trick", and then laughing, all the way home, kinda freaked me out.
I've got 5 pounds of candy for every kid this year.
Happy Halloween! The Great Pumpkin bless us everyone.
Have a happy day everyone.
Geo
acebook
witter
Joe! The places your brain goes. 
I just bought two bags of candy today for the little rug rats. I really wish I could just hide instead of deal with them.
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Joe you could go trick or treating as a retiree - no costume needed! 
Ana have fun with little James. Coffee and tea are ready. 
Good morning everyone, have a Happy Frightday. Tonight is the Halloween Costume party at the VFW. I'm so looking forward to it. I will be a witch, 
Ellen, a Purple Fairy, Ada, a Hippie, and Tom a Vampire. 
Have an easy peasy day!
Today it was beginning of the second world war,for us.
