I spent a lot of money on booze, women and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.
George Best
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After watching that imbecile on television who claims to know what common household pets are thinking, it was decided that we too, would do the impossible...Dog "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."
Goldfish "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes over and over............... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"
Dog "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
Goldfish "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"
Parrot "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HELL NO!"
Cat "Why are these people in my house?"
Dog "I don't care if you take the jewelry or money, but don't mess with the fridge."
Goldfish "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"
Cat "I wish he would stop kicking me down the stairs."
Dog "The 'pretending to throw a stick' game is getting old, but I seem unable to stop myself from looking for it."
Cat "Why did they put this service bell on my neck if they're not going to answer to it."
Dog "Why is the baby eating my food..."
Hamster "Kill me, this wheel is boring."
Iguana "Oh great, another day of being in this small little cage with my food bowl, my water and these annoying wood chips.
Dog "Man, my dog food looks exactly like my shit! Well if I'm ever hungry I'll know there's plenty for me in the backyard..."
Gerbil "OH NO, not again!"
Dog "I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop."
Cat "Oh no, he's picking me up to do another 'land on all fours off the balcony' test again."
Bunny "I wonder if she will notice I shit in her pillow case?"
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A young boy with a green, yellow and red Mohawk sits next to an old man at the park. After 5 minutes he turns to the old man and says "What are you staring at you never did anything crazy in your life". The old man turns and says "Sure have... I had sex with a peacock years back and I'm wondering if you're my son".
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The Forest Service has issued a BEAR WARNING in the national forests for this summer. They're urging everyone to protect themselves by wearing bells and carrying pepper spray.
Campers should be alert for signs of fresh bear activity, and they should be able to tell the difference between Black Bear dung and Grizzly Bear dung.
Black Bear dung is rather small and round. Sometimes you can see fruit seeds and/or squirrel fur in it.
Grizzly Bear dung has bells in it, and smells like pepper spray!
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There was this atheist and he was in the woods. And suddenly he heard some leaves cracking. He looked behind and there was a huge bear behind him. He started running and running and soon the bear was right on top of him and his paw was on top of him like he was going to swat him but suddenly he saw this big light appear and said; "For all these years you have despised me and now you call for my help." The atheist said, "I'm sorry God. If you can't help me, can't you at least turn the bear into a Christian? Then the light disappeared. Then the bear knelt down and said, "Bless me Lord for this meal I'm about to receive!"
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Comebacks to that all time favorite question "Why Aren't You Married Yet?"You haven't asked yet.
I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
Because I just love hearing this question.
Just lucky, I guess.
It gives my mother something to live for.
My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.
I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
It didn't seem worth a blood test.
I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
Why aren't you thin?
I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
(Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
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People can be quick, sometimes too quick, to answer a question they think they know the answer to...Q. Is there a Fourth of July in England?
A. Yes, it comes after the third of July!
Q. How many birthdays does the average man have?
A. 1 Just one!
Q. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
A. 12, all of them!
Q. How many outs are there in an inning?
A. 6, three per side!
Q. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
A. No - because he is dead!
Q. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
A. 70, (30 divided by 1/2 equals 60! Takes some thinking.....
Q. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
A. 2, you took them, remember?
Q. If a doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour, how many minutes would the pills last?
A. 60 - Start with the 1st pill, 30 minutes later take the 2nd, then 30 minutes for the 3rd.
Q. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
A. Nine!
Q. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
A. Zero, Moses didn't have an ark, Noah did!
Q. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
A. Twelve, there are 12 two cent stamps in a dozen!
Q. How far can a dog run into the woods?
A. Half way, otherwise he'll be coming out of the woods!
Q. Which weighs more, a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers?
A. Neither a pound of bricks weighs the same as a pound of feathers!
Q. A rooster sits on the VERY TOP of a barn roof. If he lays an egg, which side will it roll off?
A. Roosters don't lay eggs.
Q. You have a match and you go into a house and there is an oil lamp a stove and a fire place all ready to be started... what do you light first?
A. The Match!
Q. I have two US coins that have total value of 55 cents and one of them is not a nickel. What are the two coins?
A. The one that is not a nickel is a half dollar. The other coin is a nickel.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
I've waited I don't know how many days for this one to get here.
At least five I think.
June, July, August, September, and October.
They were long days.
Yesterday I said good bye to my old truck. Sad to see it go, but I'm digging my new one.
I listed it 48 hours ago and right after I posted it on Craig's List, a guy from Dallas called me interested in it. He came up Friday morning and bought it.
I hope the money order he gave me is good.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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joe
Good Morning Joe, Ana, Space and everyone. A chilly morning here 33 degrees. Coffee and tea are ready. Have a great Saturday! 
I too, only take CASH for stuff I sell especially at yard sales. Amazing how many people con you out of meager money. Then of course there are the 'my little girl needs to use your bathroom' folks. Uhhuh. Like I'd actually let anyone IN my house to see what's there while I'm busy outside? Smart thieves, smarter me. Glad you sold you truck so quickly!!!!
