A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
WINSTON CHURCHILL
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You know its going to be a bad day ahead when...You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
You turn on the news and they are showing escape routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
You wake up to realize your waterbed broke and then discover you don't have a waterbed.
Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's non of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
Your income tax check bounces.
You put both contacts in one eye.
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So how bad is the economy really doing, you ask?Jury Duty is now considered a good-paying job.
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!
I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
My ATM gave me an IOU!
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with the purchase was a bank.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned the names of their children.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
Motel Six won't leave the light on for you anymore.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street ."
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
One of the casinos in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
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The Barbie doll enjoys being one of the worlds most popular toys. However, along the way to getting that status, there were a number of doll variations that never quite made it. This is a list of the Barbie dolls that you most likely haven't seen on store shelves lately...Scratch and Sniff Barbie (Use your imagination...we're not saying a word.)
Crash Test Barbie
Opera Barbie (complete with the horns and the brass brassiere)
Marie Antionette Barbie (with removable head; guillotine included)
Hiroshima Barbie (just a shadow of her former self)
Enron Barbie (Originally sold for $29.95, but now you can't give her away.)
Frozen Barbie on a Stick (in your grocer's frozen food section)
Divorce Barbie (includes the house, the car, and half of Ken's [blip])
Broken Bungee Barbie
FrankenBarbie (green Barbie with bolts through her neck)
Shock Therapy Barbie (car battery and wires included)
Samuel L. Jackson Ken (He'll get medieval on your a**.)
Manic Depressive Barbie (with a set of Oriental throwing knives)
Biker Barbie (with leather jacket, tattoos, and red bandana)
Cheesehead Barbie (Wisconsin's best)
Dogsled Barbie
Peg Leg Barbie
Eye Patch Barbie
Politically Incorrect Barbie (Pull the string and she loudly blurts all your favorite racial slurs.)
Death Row Barbie (formerly #31)
Life Size Anatomically Correct Barbie (for all you perverts out there)
Martha Stewart Barbie (comes with orange jumpsuit and color-coordinated accessories)
Homeless Barbie (complete with stolen K-Mart shopping cart)
Tattoo Barbie
Burn Victim Barbie (bandages and Bactine included)
Venus de Milo Barbie (made of rock; no head, no arms)
Bulemic Barbie (Feed her, then make her throw it back up!)
Cyberpunk Barbie (includes 'trodes and implants)
White Trash Barbie
Serial Killer Barbie
Drag Queen Ken (Comes with three, count 'em, three, of Barbie's dresses.)
Acupuncture Barbie (not recommended or children under seven)
Voodoo Doll Barbie (see #33 above)
Cannibal Barbie (Great visual imagery, huh?)
Fast Food Barbie (Also known as McBarbie...you want fries with that?)
Teenage Slut Barbie (see #21)
Polar Bear Club Barbie (dip her in cold water, and her skin turns from pink to blue!)
Ski Bunny Barbie (soon to be #60)
Sucking Chest Wound Barbie
Alien Barbie (Don't tell ANYONE...)
Ken In Black (protecting Barbie from the worst scum of the universe)
Alien Eyewitness Barbie (vacant expression, been flashed one too many times with the neuralizer)
Mafia Ken (With a violin case...you got a problem with that?)
Alcoholics Anonymous Barbie (With coffee mug and 12-step guide)
Mutant Barbie (comes with Dark Phoenix costume)
Las Vegas Showgirl Barbie (with skimpy dress)
FemmiNazi Barbie (Pull the string and find out why men suck.)
Goth grrl Barbie (with black hair and lipstick, dog collar, and 20-hole Doc Martens)
Body Piercing Barbie
Napoleon Ken (stands 2" tall)
Midget Barbie (partner to #51, above)
Spank-Me Barbie (see #37)
Shish-Ka-Barbie (Here's one we'd all like to see!)
Knocked-Up Barbie
Chain Smoker Barbie (with Surgeon General's warning on box)
Tough B*tch Barbie (see #14)
Junkie Barbie (Gotta love those needle tracks...)
Iron Maiden Barbie (No, not the band...)
Avalanche Barbie (buried in 16 feet of snow)
Hooker Barbie (#47 after the show)
Cross-Dressing Ken, er, Barbie, er, Ken (Who knows?)
Whoopie Cushion Barbie (Do you really need a description?)
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Good morning everyboomie.
If the election is over then 'today' is the super day.
The next 4 years is the time to pray.
It doesn't matter who was elected anyway.
That's all I'm going to say about that......ok?
I think I'll celebrate by doing something crazy, like going through all of my DVR recordings, and re-watching the political ads.
I kid.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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Good Morning Joe, Space, venus, Haroula and everyone. Welcome back Haroula! How are you and your family? You've been missed! Coffee and tea are ready. Wishing you all a sunny day! 
