ROBERT FULGHUM
We could learn a lot from crayons; some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, while others bright, some have weird names, but they all have learned to live together in the same box.
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This is the biggest collection, of the world's biggest lies ever told...The check is in the mail.
I'll respect you in the morning.
I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.
It's only a cold sore.
You get this one, I'll pay next time.
My wife doesn't understand me.
Trust me, I'll take care of everything.
Of course I love you.
I am getting a divorce.
Drinking? Why, no, Officer.
I never inhaled.
It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
I never watch television except for PBS.
...but we can still be good friends.
She means nothing to me.
Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
I gave at the office.
Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.
I'll call you later.
We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.
Read my lips: no new taxes.
I've never done anything like this before.
Now, I'm going to tell you the truth.
It's supposed to make that noise.
I *love* your new _____!
...then take a left. You can't miss it.
Yes, I did.
Don't worry, it's OK - I'm sterile.
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Blind dates are just plain scary, but it gets a lot worse when you meet them and discover they are far from even the most meager of hopes you had for them to be what you wanted. Here's some tips on how to get rid of them, fast!Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself.
When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."
Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/ hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask them "What took you so long in the bathroom?"
Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
Ask the people at neighboring tables for food from their plates.
Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up periodically throughout the meal.
Order a bucket of lard.
Ask for crayons to color the placemat. You'll need to be extra persuasive in fancier restaurants with linen tablecloths.
Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female.
Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets and relatives.
Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, w with a good view of all exits, and where your back will be facing a wall. Act nervous.
Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.
Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
Stare at your date's neck and grind your teeth audibly.
Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
Drool.
Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
Sacrifice French fries to a Pagon god.
Discretely fill your pockets with sugar packets, napkins, salt shakers, silverware, floral arrangements, etc...
Hold a debate. Take both sides.
Undress your date verbally.
Attempt to auction your date off to people nearby.
After getting your food slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one back on your plate.
Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments about it.
Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy and tape the conversation. Later use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
Occasionally speak in Pig Latin throughout the meal.
Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Tell your date, "They need to air out."
Order for your date. Order more food then he/she can possible eat. Tell them they "must eat it all or suffer the consequences."
If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite, pretend like the food is disgusting and say, "Man, did you get ripped off!"
Bring twenty candles with you to the restaurant. During the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
Ask your date how much money they have with them.
Refuse to speak to your date. Request that they mime the conversation instead.
During dinner guard your plate with your fork and steak knife. Give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, reaching for it.
Collect all of the salt shakers from tables surrounding yours. Use them to build a tower on your table.
Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
Repeat every third third word you say say.
Proudly explain to your date that you were voted "Most Festerous" in your high school yearbook. Give examples of why it was appropriate.
Read a newspaper, book or listen to a book on tape during the meal.
Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces.
Insist that the waiter take one bite from everything served to you. Explain that you need to make sure no one has poisoned your food.
Accuse your date of espionage. Pretend you have a secret microphone hidden on your body and you are talking the CIA.
Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
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Good morning everyboomie.
I had some funny stuff to say, but it's always a problem for me to dismember it all when I don't write it down.
I just always considered THIS as writing it down.
Too bad I had to eat, and take a shower first.
Yesterday I wound up taking my dogs for a walk twice, and walking for an hour on my treadmill, and also doing that maniacal 7 Minute Deathercise thing.
I guess you either get through it, or you die trying.
Not sure yet which one I accomplished. I'm still here in SE Okla-helloma.
I can't wait to share THAT little exercise program with my fellow members of the Liars and Procrastinators Association/Southeastern Conference at our next meeting scheduled in 20......something.
We all voted to combine the Compulsive Liar's Club/State Chapter, with the National Procrastinators Assoc, due to the fact that.........well, you know.
They've appointed your's truly as Chairperson during the next Conference meeting.
I'm not happy at all about it either. Do you have any idea how many people will be attending that conference?
HUNDREDS................I mean THOUSANDS.
If
'Chairperson' were an honorary title, it wouldn't be a problem for me, but it's going to take me forever to set up that many chairs.
I'm not a young man anymore.................that's the truth.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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witter
Joe! We are all getting older! 
Good Morning Joe, Space, Ana and everyone. Joe you are crazy funny! Enjoy your day Space and Ana too. Coffee and tea are ready.
I never used to do that, and now it happens all the time. 
