Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don’t.
PETE SEEGER
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Changing Oil
Oil Changing Instructions for Women:1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
$20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee.TOTAL: $21.00
Oil Change Instructions for Men:1. Go to store, spend $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Get home to discover that the used oil container is full.
3. Instead of taking it to local repair garage for recycling, dump in hole in back yard.
4. Open a beer and drink it.
5. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
6. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
7. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16th box end wrench.
10. give up and use crescent wrench.
11. Unscrew drain plug.
12. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil ; get hot oil on you in process.
13. Clean up mess.
14. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
15. Look for oil filter wrench.
16. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
17. Beer.
18. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
19. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
20. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
21. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
22. Walk to 7 Eleven; buy beer.
23. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
24. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25. Remember drain plug from step 11.
26. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
27. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
28. Drink Beer.
29. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
30. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
31. Drink beer.
32. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
33. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
34. Begin cussing a fit.
35. Throw wrench.
36. Swear 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss July (1992) in her overabundant chest.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45. Beer
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
Money spent:$50.00 parts
$25.00 Beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands
$1,000.00 Bail
$200.00 Impound and towing fee
TOTAL: $1,350.00``````````
Children's Books
Children's Books Not Recommended by the National Library AssociationClifford the Big Dog is Put to Sleep
Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose
The Hardy Boys, the Bobbsey Twins, and the Vice Squad
The Tickling Babysitter
A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides
Charles Manson Bedtime Stories
Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle
Babar Becomes a Piano
Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
David Duke's World of Imagination
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Legends of Scab Football
Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina
Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer
Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can't Remember the Endings to All of them
Ed Beckley's Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change From Your Mom's Purse
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Clothes
The Care Bears : Maul Some Campers
You Were an Accident
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Bi-Curious George
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver
You Are Different and That's Bad
Dad's New Wife Timothy
Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games
Testing Homemade Parachutes With Your Household Pets
Why Your Moms "Flashlight" Vibrates
Detours Using Local High Traffic Rail Tracks
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Good morning everyboomie.
We made it to Friday---
Yahoo! Was there ever any doubt?............'''Nope!
Well, maybe some people up around central Oklahoma were a bit worried, with the ground moving so much, but they're ok this morning too.............although, I haven't really looked at any news this morning.
We never have anything exciting, like an earthquake, happen around here.
All we have around here are boring old tornadoes, and an occasional cool thunderstorm.
I remember as a kid, watching the most gigantic dust storms roll over the Texas Panhandle.
I always wanted to go out and fly my kite up into the dust storm, until it disappeared........with our cat strapped to it in a halter.
I would think to myself, "Let's see THIS cat land on his feet."
I found out from my mom that that was wrong.
VERY WRONG!
After that I never mentioned attaching the Horney Toads to boxwood gliders.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
It's been a long, stressful week, and I'm glad it's almost over. I've been determined not to let the long work days prevent me from practicing, which means I'm up way too late. 
Have a terrific Friday, everyone. 
Good Morning Joe, MaG, Space, venus and Ana. Coffee and tea are ready.
I saw 2 kids coming from school a few days ago, stop at my front fence and read the sign outloud. Really funny. The sign is on a second inner fence, higher than the street side one. Cute. They were actually chatting about the 2.5 seconds and looking for the dog. 
Have an easy peasy day!
