OSCAR WILDE
I can resist everything except temptation.
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Cartoon PhysicsCARTOON LAW I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
CARTOON LAW II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
CARTOON LAW III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
CARTOON LAW IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
CARTOON LAW V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
CARTOON LAW VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
CARTOON LAW VII Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
CARTOON LAW VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they re-inflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
CARTOON LAW IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
CARTOON LAW X
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
CARTOON LAW XI
Cartoon characters never need to go to the hospital to receive first aid. Upon emerging from a huge scrap, the losing character will invariably be covered in crossed-over sticking plasters and bandages, and quite often be walking with the aid of a crutch.
CARTOON LAW XII
Cartoon characters do not obey the traditional laws of hair re-growth. Whatever the damage to a character, whether it be having all of its hair frazzled by an explosion or its fur shaved by a lawnmower, in the next scene the hair will doubtless be fully re-grown.
CARTOON LAW Amendment A
A sharp object will always propel a character upward. When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.
CARTOON LAW Amendment B
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters. Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.
CARTOON LAW Amendment C
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.
CARTOON LAW Amendment D
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths. Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to strech. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.
CARTOON LAW Amendment E
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which CARTOON LAWs hold). The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.
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Cheap Medical Plan
You know you've joined a pretty cheap ass health plan when...Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure."
Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace."
You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
Exam room has a tip jar.
You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
"Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
"Take two leeches and call me in the morning."
The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
Covered post-natal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.
Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
"Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."
Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."
Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
Pre-printed prescription pads that say "Walk it off, candy ass."
To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
Recycled bandages
You can get your flu shot as soon as the hypodermic needle is dry.
Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an over sized 2-sided copier.
Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.
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Good morning everyboomie.
We are one day closer to the weekend, and man oh man do I have no plans for it.
I'm taking relaxation to the next level.
Did everyone get to see the super moon two days ago?
Not me.
I can see a very bright light coming from the Super 8 Motel down the street though.
I saw a couple of pictures of it that were posted on line, but I was too occupied re-watching the Cowboys/Steelers game to be bothered to walk outside.
How many people got to see THAT awesome spectacle?
You know if you're out in the country, you can here coyotes or wolves howling at the bright light of the moon.
I often hear howling coming from the Super 8 Motel as well.
I guess the bright lights bring out the call of the wild.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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witter
Joe! Thanks for opening the diner with your cheer and sunny disposition! 
Good Morning Joe, Ana and all. Joe i did get to see the giant moon! It was spectacular! Enjoy your day Ana. Coffee and tea are ready. Wishing you all a great day! 
