JASON FRIED

[Facebook and Twitter] aren’t the real problems in the office. The real problems are what I like to call the M&Ms, the Managers and the Meetings.

```````````````


Ever wonder why the chicken crossed the road?


ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

BILL CLINTON: That depends on what your definition of "did" is.

GEORGE BUSH JR: I don't know, but I'll tell you this: That chicken may run, but it can't hide. God bless America.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: Did you actually see it cross the road? Or did you suddenly notice that it had appeared on the other side? You think you saw it cross the road, but that's an illusion. How many more chickens have to appear before you believe it?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken Millenium Edition, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book, and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: What color was the chicken? If you do your research, you will find that it was a white chicken. Roads are always black. The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

COLONEL SANDERS: You mean I missed one?!
````````````````````


This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers...

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs... Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

`````````````````````


The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers...

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15

SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED *************CALL CHUBBIE

BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT..BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED

FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.

AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.

OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

```````````````````

Classroom Dialogue

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria!

TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER : Winnie, name an important thing we have today, we didn't have 10 years ago.
WINNIE : Me!

TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.

TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.
```````````````````````

Good morning everyboomie.


I'm sorry, I don't know what to say.


Oh yeah.


WELCOME TO THE WEEKEND!!


I think I forgot to take my dementia pill today.........


I can't help but feel like there's another one I forgot to take as well........


Can you believe we're only a week away from Black Friday?


I hear that after last year, Walmart has re-named theirs to Black and Blue Friday.


Anybody that wakes me up early enough to get in on those 'door busters' is going to be black and blue, I'ma tellin you!


Have a happy day everyone.


joe

Aren't you glad you don't have to deal with the shoppers at Christmas Joe? Your first year off!

Have a happy day all!

Ana

Ana I saw one of my ex-Lowe's co-workers at Walmart today, and she said basically the same thing.


Not really missing it.


joe

Joe, I'm sure I'll have to work on Friday, which I'm not looking forward to. At least I'm finally off on Thanksgiving this year. Congratulations on getting to skip the whole thing. I bet you're not going to be shopping that day.

Have a great day, Ana.

It looks like the incredibly long week really got to me, as I fell asleep with the light on again. I'm looking forward to finally having a day off. I will definitely have to practice tomorrow, since I passed out before I could get to it today. Also, I plan to catch up on my games.

Okay, back to sleep with the light off this time. Have a great Saturday, everyone.

Good Morning Joe, Ana, venus and everyone. Just think Joe you can do whatever you want on Black Friday this year! Ana how are things with you? Venus I hope you have a stress free day and weekend!
Coffee and tea are ready. Happy Day All!

Good morning everyone, have a Wonderful Saturday. Walter, is home and doing much better, please keep him in your prayers. A Great night of karaoke at the VFW last night. Danish, BB Pancakes, and Bacon Sandwiches in the NC.

Good morning Boomers.

Good morning all. I had the morning off. Lovin it. Thanks for my breakfast Gerry and connie. I hope you all have a great Saturday.

Midgie

Super Saturday ya'll

Today is cleaning day for us...Have to unbury the dining room, etc. We will all clean until my back yells "uncle" and then it'll be time to relax a bit.

Connie, so glad that Walter is home and improving.

And the fun continues around here. I was picking up stuff in my yard early this morning after feeding the Outdoorsies and heard thunking, clanging, chopping noises from my tenants just over the fence. They were in the back yard doing 'something' with the clothes line. There is a metal 't' pole on one end and the other end I managed to McGuyver to my 6 foot wooden fence. Then we strung heavy clothes line ropes all across and it's been great for 18 years. Maybe the lines broke finally, but they had them all off from what I could see on my side, and they had what looked like a pile of wood on the ground. Hummmmmm. Not sure what's up there. The wood isn't from the clothes line contraption but they are working on that wood pile. I will be excited to see just what they are doing out there. Mr. Big is involved which is starting to be a good thing for everyone. He painted the patio steps last week, and maybe today he's fixing the clothes line? Or perhaps they are building a deck? or a guard tower?

good morning , everyone !

glad walter is home and doing better !

midgie , nice you got some time off !

cold here again , i had to turn the heat on for a bit.

melodee has a "nest" in the bedroom closet inside an afghan ,and

decided to hibernate there this morning

may do some laundry later if it warms up ,but no major plans.

have a wonderful day all !

I'm worn out and going to relax the rest of the day! Yesterday we had thunderstorms and it poured out. By the time fish fry was over it had gotten cold and it all turned to ice and snow fell. Only got an inch though since the lake kept it warmer here for longer!!

Today we had our craft and bake sale I worked. There were about 20 crafters that showed up and some could not make it because of the weather. Long two day!!!

Hope everybody is having a lovely day!!

Connie good to hear that Walter is now home!


Nan