When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.
WINSTON CHURCHILL
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DaffynitionsDeficit: What you have when you don't have as much as if you had nothing.
Deluxe: Mediocre in a big way.
Dentist: A person who runs a filling station.
Diamond: A piece of coal that made good under pressure.
Diet: A selection of foods for people who are thick and tired of it.
Diplomat: A rabbit in a silk hat.
Discretion: When you are sure you are right and then ask your wife.
Donut Factory Manager: A person who has charge of the hole works.
Endless: The time it takes for others to find out how wonderful you are.
Etiquette: Knowing which finger to put in your mouth when you whistle for the waiter.
Executive: One who makes a prompt decision and is sometimes right.
Experience: What you get while looking for something else.
Expert: Someone who is called in at the last moment to share the blame.
Flattery: An insult in gift wrapping.
Footnote: Useless information placed where you can skip it.
Friend: A person who listens attentively while you say nothing.
Gentility: What is left over from rich ancestors after the money is gone.
Golf: Cow pasture pool.
Gruesome: A little taller than before.
Guitar: A hillbilly harp.
Gunpowder: A substance used to make nations friendly to each other.
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Dear Dogs and Cats,When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
Ohhh, and my compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats' ass. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
I rubbed the lotion on my skin for a REASON! Not as an after-dinner snack for you. The newspaper spread on the floor is called accident paper... NOT habit paper! Also, I do not need your help driving the car, never mind what you saw on television!
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.....
Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train. Usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
Sincerely,
Your Owner
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Letter to Redneck SonDearest Son
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Gander family that lived here took the house numbers
when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure about it.
I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit,
she put a third one in because she heard you have grown
another foot since she last saw you.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two hours
to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother Jed.
Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't get
the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
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Good morning everyboomie.
My digital clock has about stopped on me. Must be the main spring.
Must be the sleeping pill actually. I feel like I've been writing this all night long.
If that's the case, then I'm checking into a nursing home........or is it an 'assisted living center'?
I like nursing home better. That implies that there may be some cute little 50 year old candy stripers that I can pinch on the behind.
The other seems more like an 'assisted dying center', than assisted living center.
Anyway, if I ever do get put in one of those places, they'll all be trying to help me with my escape plan.
"GET THAT CRAZY OLD COOT AWAY FROM ME!". 
Have a happy day everyone, and welcome to the weekend!
joe
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You will always be my favorite crazy old coot, Joe! 
Good Morning Joe, Space, Ana and everyone. Coffee and ta are ready. 
Nan. Enjoy your day. 
