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Surf and Turf Saturday #1091486
12/02/16 11:34 PM
12/02/16 11:34 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.

WILLIAM A. WARD

```````````````````

Employee Assignments

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.


If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting or Sales.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are jittery and crazed from 2 hours without an internet connection, Computer Information Systems is their home.

If the room has a sweaty odor, put them in Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, send them to Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rain forests, Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

```````````````````

UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

THE MANAGEMENT

``````````````````````


Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE:
Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do.

HAPPY:
Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass.

WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR:
Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURCES WELL:
Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.


`````````````````````````

Good morning everyboomie. welcome


Welcome to your weekend! santadance


I had a pretty strenuous day Friday. wink12


I layed around all morning, and then I took a good nap all afternoon. dance


Well it was cold and cloudy all morning, and I absolutely did not want to go out. shame12


My dogs, on the other hand kept jumping on me while I was sleeping, and when I got up to kill them, they would run to the door and say, "if you're willing, we know the way.........right out this door". puppy


So I put my shoes on, and took them for a good walk. lab


I hope that doesn't make anybody here want to cry.........I said 'kill them'. happydance12


Never mind.


Have a happy day everybody.


joe



Last edited by gymcandy1; 12/02/16 11:41 PM.

There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Surf and Turf Saturday [Re: gymcandy1] #1091492
12/03/16 12:23 AM
12/03/16 12:23 AM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Enjoy your Saturday everyone. wink


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Surf and Turf Saturday [Re: gymcandy1] #1091495
12/03/16 12:29 AM
12/03/16 12:29 AM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
lol12 Joe! I tell my dogs at least a dozen times a day if they don't stop pestering me I'm going to kill them. We all know it won't happen, including them! rotfl12 Have a great day!

SpaceQ, enjoy your weekend!

Have a wonderful day everyone! I have a CHristmas party to go to tonight and the day is free!

Ana wave2


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Surf and Turf Saturday [Re: gymcandy1] #1091498
12/03/16 01:13 AM
12/03/16 01:13 AM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Glad you opted not to kill your dogs this time, Joe. lol12

Have a great Saturday, Space Quest.

Have fun at the party, Ana. reindeer

It's late Friday night here. The good news is, I have the weekend off. bravo12 The bad news is, my co-worker apparently won't be returning until the week of the 19th, so I will still be stuck doing the work of two people for two more weeks. eek12 Then again, I do get a lot of hours out of it, so . . . I'm somewhat ambivalent. lol12

Tomorrow, Thorsgoats, a co-worker we both used to work with and I are all going out to eat at Friendly's. thumbsup12 I may sneak some gaming in as well. grin12

Hope everyone has a terrific Saturday. tree


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
Re: Surf and Turf Saturday [Re: gymcandy1] #1091504
12/03/16 06:08 AM
12/03/16 06:08 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
Sonic Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
santadance reindeer Good Morning Joe, Space, Ana, venus and everyone. Coffee and tea are ready on this chilly Saturday morning!
Have a Happy Day everyone! reindeer santadance


Gerry
Re: Surf and Turf Saturday [Re: gymcandy1] #1091509
12/03/16 09:03 AM
12/03/16 09:03 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
connie Offline
Graduate Boomer
connie  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone, have a Great Saturday. Danish, BB Pancakes, and French Toast in the NC. tree


Connie
Re: Surf and Turf Saturday [Re: connie] #1091510
12/03/16 09:18 AM
12/03/16 09:18 AM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
A scramble eggs, bacon and cinnamon rolls morning. Life is good today. yay12


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Surf and Turf Saturday [Re: gymcandy1] #1091512
12/03/16 10:13 AM
12/03/16 10:13 AM
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 9,029
the dusty desert
niteowl07 Offline
BAAG Specialist
niteowl07  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 9,029
the dusty desert
rotfl12 joe , i never tell melodee i'm going to kill her - i tell

her she 'll make a good hat ! haha

have a wonderful day everyone !

wave2

Re: Surf and Turf Saturday [Re: niteowl07] #1091514
12/03/16 10:32 AM
12/03/16 10:32 AM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
Good morning everybody. happydance12

We have rain this morning, and 45* temperatures that feels like 33* with the wind. shiver


I don't think we're supposed to get a lot of rain, but if you look at the radar, the whole state of Texas is under water, and it's moving this way. happydance12


Niteowl I don't really threaten my pups at all. shame12


I call them dirty names though. rotfl12


"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU LITTLE MONKEY!" monky


Anyway, I don't think they'll be hounding me to go to the park today, I can't even get them to go out and potty. lol12


I hope you all have a super day. wink12


joe

Last edited by gymcandy1; 12/03/16 10:35 AM.

There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Surf and Turf Saturday [Re: gymcandy1] #1091529
12/03/16 12:33 PM
12/03/16 12:33 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer
looney4labs  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,905
Alabama
Super Saturday ya'll puppy

It's cool in AL again happydance12

Boys are here. Son had to have them at basketball try-outs at the crack of dawn. Later today Ala plays for the SEC title and I've promised the tacos that didn't happen yesterday for tonight. :wave:

Last edited by looney4labs; 12/03/16 12:33 PM.

"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Surf and Turf Saturday [Re: gymcandy1] #1091555
12/03/16 04:00 PM
12/03/16 04:00 PM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Haroula Offline
Adept Boomer
Haroula  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10,027
Greece
Have a great Saturday all. happydance12


I change all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it says, "your password is incorrect".

Re: Surf and Turf Saturday [Re: Haroula] #1091596
12/03/16 10:58 PM
12/03/16 10:58 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer
Space Quest Fan  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 16,783
Upper Arlington, Ohio
Good night Boomers. wave12


It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.
Re: Surf and Turf Saturday [Re: gymcandy1] #1091606
12/03/16 11:52 PM
12/03/16 11:52 PM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
Midge Offline
Graduate Boomer
Midge  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 15,630
Massachusetts
Good night Space. I hope you had a good day.

Midgie hearts tree presents12 winter santadance reindeer


Just do it.
Re: Surf and Turf Saturday [Re: gymcandy1] #1091621
12/04/16 04:14 AM
12/04/16 04:14 AM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Good night, everyone. sleep12


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
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