I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything till noon. That’s when it’s time for my nap.
Bob Hope
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You know you're out of college when...1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00 am is not early.
9. You have to file your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for "jackass".
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you... and they're no longer "adults" - they are your peers.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum.
28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
29. You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell.
30. Your idea of a rocking Friday night is scoring one of the new releases at Blockbuster.
31. Half your conversations with current college students start with, "When I was in college..."
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Legal Truisms99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Please don't hit me - my lawyer's in jail.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Justice: A decision in your favor.
Lawyer says client is not that guilty.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Going to law is losing a cow for the sake of a cat.
It's better to be tried by twelve men than to be carried by six.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
Laws are like cobwebs which may catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets break through.
Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
On a bill from lawyer, typed by his secretary: Bull rendered: $500.
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Hey everyboomie.
I've been hung over all day from the partying last night. It blows.
Now I can take New Years Eve off. All the ringing gives me a headache.
Actually I think I walked 12 miles today, up a hill, down a hill, down a creek, and then up a creek, with the wind, against the wind.
I didn't find a darn thing, after covering most of both locations.
I am majorly tired, and my body is one big continuous, non-stop cramp.
I'm really glad that people don't come to your house all night NYE, ring the bell, yell "Happy New Year!" when you answer it, and hold a glass out for you to fill with booze.
I would just hand out liquor-ish sticks.
You know my lights will probably be out by 9:00pm anyway.
Have a happy New Year's Eve everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
