Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.
Q. What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A. The bull has the horns in the front and the butt hole in the back.
Q. Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
A. They've had so little use.
Q. Why is a conductor like a condom?
A. It's safer with one, but more fun without.
Q. What's the difference between God and a conductor?
A. God knows He's not a conductor.
Q. What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A. The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
Q. What's a bassoon good for?
A. Kindling for an accordion fire.
Q. How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A. Give him some sheet music.
Q. What's a guy that hangs out with musicians called?
A. A drummer.
Q. How can you tell when a drummer is sitting up straight?
A. He dribbles out of both sides of his mouth!
Q. What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A. You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q. Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
A. Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.
Q. How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A. He doesn't know when to come in.
Q. What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A. "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."
Q. How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. What is the range of a piccolo?
A. Oh, about twenty yards on a good day.
Q. What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo?
A. When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim.
Q. What's the difference between a pizza and a drummer?
A. A pizza can feed a family of four.
Q. If a drummer and a bass guitarist caught a cab, which one would be the musician?
A. The cab driver.
Q. Why are so many violists dating drummers?
A. It makes them feel superior.
Q. What's the difference between a sax player and a lawn mower?
A. One cuts grass and the other smokes it.
Q. What would you do if you had all the bagpipe players on earth lined up end-to-end to the moon and back?
A. Leave them there.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
Q. Which is better: electric guitar or harmonica?
A. Electric guitar. You can't beat a harmonica player to death with a harmonica.
Q. What do violists and Mike Tyson have in common?
A. They both are hard on ears.
Q. Why is intermission only 20 minutes long?
A. So that the cellists don't have to be retrained.
Q. Why are harps like elderly parents?
A. They're both unforgiving and hard to get in and out of cars.
My Stupid Ex
You want to know how stupid my ex really is?
1. He/she took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
2. He sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
3. He misspells I.Q.
4. He thought Boyz II Men was a day care center and Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
5. Under "education" on his job application, he put "Hooked On Phonics."
6. He tripped over a cordless phone.
7. He spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
8. At the bottom of the job application where it says "sign here," he put "Sagittarius."
9. He studied for a blood test.
10. When he heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moved.
11. He thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
12. If he spoke his mind, he'd be speechless.
13. He thought he could only use his AM radio in the morning.
14. He has a shirt that says "TGIF." He thought stood for "This Goes In Front
15. To call him childish is an insult to children everywhere.
16. He has reach rock bottom and started to dig.
17. His gene pool needs chlorination.
18. He's not so much a has-been as a definitely-won't-be.
19. He only opens his mouth to change feet.
20. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
21. He has delusions of adequacy.
22. He qualifies as a gross ignoramus; 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
23. He would argue with a signpost.
24. He brings a lot of joy, whenever he leaves the room.
25. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
26. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
27. He is a prime candidate for natural de-selection.
28. He is slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
29. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
30. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
31. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
32. It takes him 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
33. If ignorance is bliss, he's one of the happiest people alive.
34. He stopped to think and forgot to start again.
35. His sole purpose may be to serve as a warning to others.
36. He thinks a hard-on counts as personal growth.
37. He has an intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
38. He is as smart as bait.
39. In an emergency he can't dial 911, because there's no 11 on his phone.
40. He doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
41. He forgot to pay his brain bill.
42. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
43. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
44. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
45. He is missing a few buttons on his remote control.
46. His receiver is off the hook.
47. He would go surfing in Nebraska.
48. He is an experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
49. He is dumber than a box of lint.
50. He took as IQ test and results came back negative.
51. He is all foam and no beer.
52. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
````````````````Good morning everyboomie.
I think I'm going to have to go back to work.
I'm tired of reliving the same day over and over and over again and again and again.
I hate redundancy!
Every single day is the day after yesterday.
It's driving me crazy Miss Daisy.
I think I'm finally going to get a break tomorrow though.
Tomorrow cannot be the day after yesterday, because it's the day after today. Whew!
Maybe I won't have to be committed after all.
Have a happy day after today everyone.