It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?
RONALD REAGAN
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Notice to Employees
(includes part-time workers)SICKNESS We will no longer accept your doctors' statements as proof of illness. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.
LUNCHIf you really must eat, eat at your desk. Any time spent heating lunch in the microwave will be deducted in five minute increments.
LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained and paid for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.
PREGNANCY IIn the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room ONLY once the contractions are five minutes apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.
DEATH This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to your departure.
This new benefit program started yesterday and all penalties will be retroactive.
The Management
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Fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant..."I finished the Oreo's."
"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
"Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
"Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
"Get your *own* ice cream."
"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
"Got milk ?"
"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
"Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."
"Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!"
"You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."
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Now And ThenTHEN: Long Hair
NOW: Longing for hair.
THEN: The perfect high.
NOW: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
THEN: Keg.
NOW: EKG.
THEN: Acid Rock.
NOW: Acid Reflux.
THEN: Moving to California because it's cool.
NOW: Moving to California because it's warm.
THEN: You're growing pot.
NOW: Your growing pot.
THEN: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
NOW: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.
THEN: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
NOW: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
THEN: Seeds and stems.
NOW: Roughage.
THEN: Popping pills, smoking joints.
NOW: Popping joints.
THEN: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
NOW: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
THEN: Paar.
NOW: AARP.
THEN: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
NOW: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
THEN: Killer weed.
NOW: Weed killer.
THEN: Hoping for a BMW.
NOW: Hoping for a BM.
THEN: The Grateful Dead.
NOW: Dr. Kevorkian.
THEN: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
NOW: Getting a new hip joint.
THEN: Rolling Stones.
NOW: Kidney stones.
THEN: Being called into the principal's office.
NOW: Calling the principal's office.
THEN: Screw the system!
NOW: Upgrade the system.
THEN: Peace sign.
NOW: Mercedes logo.
THEN: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
NOW: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
THEN: Take acid.
NOW: Take antacid.
THEN: Passing the driver's test.
NOW: Passing the vision test.
THEN: Swanson's Mushy chicken in an aluminum platter.
NOW: Lean Cuisine's Mushy chicken in a plastic bag.
THEN: "Whatever"
NOW: "Depends"
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Good morning everyboomie.
Another day, another 24 hours.
We've got a pretty big rain system moving over us right now. I'm hoping I don't lose my internet.
I wasn't expecting the rain tonight, but glad to see it. Thursday, Friday, and Saturday are supposed to be in the mid to upper 60s, and that's when I want to try and go to the creek.
Tonight I'm watching that 'Curse of Oak Island' and then the new show 'Taboo' which looks like it will be really good.
Right now I'm having trouble typing because a certain little Chihuahua is chewing on my toes.
She comes by my chair, and she stops and just stands there staring at me.
Anybody want to adopt a cute little puppy??
Have a happy day everyone.
joe