I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything; but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.
EDWARD EVERETT HALE
``````````````````
Signs Of The TimesApartment building sign:
"No baby carriages or foreign cars allowed in the lobby."
Bar sign:
"Lunch now being poured."
Chinese Laundry sign:
"We don't tear your clothes with clumsy machinery - we do it carefully by hand."
Church sign:
"You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, you can ignore this notice."
Divorce Lawyer's door:
"Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back."
Miss Piggy's sign:
"Never eat more than you can lift."
Newspaper headline:
"County officials talk rubbish."
Plumber's sign:
"Do it yourself. Then call us before it's too late."
Psychiatrist advertisement:
"A cure guaranteed or your mania back."
Restaurant Diner sign:
"Everything comes to him who orders hash."
Restaurant Sign:
"Our tongue sandwiches speak for themselves."
Scottish Golf Course sign:
"Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling."
Teamwork sign:
"Only dead fish swim with the stream."
Truck sign:
"Pass with care - I chew tobacco."
Orthopedic Surgeon sign:
"Never accept a drink from a urologist."
Taxidermist sign:
"If called by a panther, don't anther."
````````````````````
Signs You're Broke
You know you're really broke when...American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.
You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
Your bologna has no first name.
You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.
Sally Struther's sends you food.
McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
At communion you go back for seconds.
You wash your toilet paper.
You have to save up to be poor.
You're in college.
On thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal.
You owe yourself money.
You are sterilizing your urine for reconsumption.
Your imaginary friend has more money than you.
````````````````
Simplified Dump
We thought this standardized form would help simplify the dating process and make it more business-like...Dear _______________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as "The Perfect Guy [ ] Girl [ ]". As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
___You have a hairy back.
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely, _________________________________
````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
I may have to sit inside under the air conditioner all day.
This morning when I got out of bed, I half expected to fall flat on my face, but I was pleasantly surprised.
My calves were sore, but nothing like the last two times I ran.
My thighs on the other hand, would not move.
I'm kidding, they were ok too.
You're supposed to ask me why my thighs were on my other hand.
Saturday is a 2 mile run day.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Coffee and tea are ready. 
Joe you should have just ran to Lowe's and saved a run!! Thanks for the chuckles and have a lovely day!
