Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lessons afterwards.
VERN LAW
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Travel Agent Stories
These are actual stories from travel agents about their customers...Someone ask for an aisle seat so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (probably blonde)
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to drive between the gates to Save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know Which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
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True Definitions
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have that are very similar to your character lines.
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Welfare Letters
The following are sentences taken from actual letters received by welfare departments on applications for support:I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?
Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?
I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it?
Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows.
I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see.
My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference.
I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor.
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Good morning everyboomie.
I want to get this posted early. We have 'forecast' of 95% chance for thunderstorms tonight. Looks like they could happen at any time. I don't know.
Right now it's 6:20, and 75 degrees. I have my front door propped open and my ceiling fan going.
Despite higher temperatures, it was quite a nice day, because it was overcast and windy all day.
I went out this morning and put the new tire on my lawn mower, and then I put new blades on it, and then I changed the oil and filter.
After that, I just had to test the new blades, so I mowed the yard again.
They work.....
After I finished all that stuff I took the pups to the park.
Later I ran 2 miles on my treadmill.
I can't get my dogs to use the thing, and I'll be darned if I'm going to let it sit there and collect dust.
I ran my 2 miles with an extra 10 lbs on my shoulders from a weight vest I got at Walmart. I can add up to 20 lbs. I was going to try for 3 miles, but after 2 miles, I woosed out on the other mile.
Also, I had trouble getting a good nights sleep last night, so I'm bushed now.
Ready to turn in.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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witter
looney
