As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice: You can be right or you can be happy.
RALPHIE MAY
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Wise ThoughtsNever take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him
a sandwich.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't
help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut
saves you thirty cents?
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Wife Jokes
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming...1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Patrick Murra
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
- Nash
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
- Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
- Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
- Anonymous
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Women's DictionaryArgument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card!
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Good morning everyboomie.
We are past the hump. The count down to party time is on.
I'm sure of one thing. That little banana guy parties a lot more than I do.
Right now I am ready to hit the sheets. Seriously.
I decided to go to the sod farm again today. I dug around in the sun all day long.
Digging and sifting through that dirt is hard work, and also hard on your back.
I found one little point, and another broken one, for all of the work I did.
I found some other broken stuff as well and that's more than I had when I went out there.
I paid for it though. Those mountains of dirt are chock full of ant colonies, and I forgot to take my gloves, so my hands got about 10 or 12 ant bites.
I'm ready for some more rain. Last night we only got one little short shower.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, Space, Ana and everyone. Coffee and tea are ready. 
Feels so nice out there right now. 
Joe.