The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
BETHANY AUSTIN
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These excuses were on accident claim forms of a major insurance company. Clients were asked for a brief statement describing their particular car accident, and this is what they wrote.1. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
2. I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
3. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
4. The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
5. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
6. The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
7. I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
8. I was on my way to the doctor’s with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
9. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
10. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
11. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
12. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
13. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
14. When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
15. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.
16. I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
17. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
18. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
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Funny Sports Bloopers: Dumb quotes by athletes and sports celebrities“I can play in the center, on the right, and occasionally on the left side." – soccer star David Beckham, asked if he was a “volatile" player.
Sorry, I don’t know much about you. I don’t follow tennis."
Christina Aguilera to Tiger Woods, after he told her he loved her music.
“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” – Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” – Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.
“Half this game is ninety per cent mental.” – Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager
Well, I see in the game in Minnesota that Terry Felton has relieved himself on the mound in the second inning. — Fred White, Kansas City Royals sportscaster, reading a wire-service summary that mistakenly showed the same starter and relief pitcher for the Minnesota Twins.
“One good bit of news for England is that Ian Bothams groin is back to full strength.” — BBC Radio Announcer Eleanor Oldroyd.
“I’m rich. What am I supposed to do, hide it?”
-Detroit Tiger Lou Whitaker, arriving in a stretch limo for a players’ union meeting during the 1994 baseball strike.
“I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf.”
-Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf
“I told [GM] Roland Hemond to go out and get me a big name pitcher. He said, ‘Dave Wehrmeister’s got 11 letters. Is that a big enough name for you ?’”
-Eddie Eichorn, White Sox owner
“Raise the urinals.”
-Darrel Chaney on how management could keep the Braves on their toes
“The only reason I don’t like playing in the World Series is I can’t watch myself play.”
-Reggie Jackson
“They shouldn’t throw at me. I’m the father of five or six kids.”
-Baseball player Tito Fuentes, after getting hit by a pitch.
“I’m a 4-wheel-drive pickup type of guy. So is my wife.”
-Baseball player Mike Greenwell
“It’s permanent, for now.”
-Cincinnati Red Roberto Kelly, announcing his new name would be “Bobby.”
“There is one word in America that says it all, and that word is, ‘You never know.’”
-Pitcher Joaquin Andujar
“That’s why I don’t talk. Because I talk too much.”
-Joaquin Andujar
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Bushisms: Funniest Mistakes, Blunders, Bloopers and quotes by George W. Bush“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
“That’s why I went to the Congress last September and proposed fundamental—supplemental funding, which is money for armor and body parts and ammunition and fuel.” –George W. Bush, Erie, Pa., Sept. 4, 2004
“For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It’s just unacceptable. And we’re going to do something about it.” —Philadelphia, Penn., May 14, 2001
“There’s an old…saying in Tennessee…I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee that says Fool me once…(3 second pause)… Shame on…(4 second pause)…Shame on you….(6 second pause)…Fool me…Can’t get fooled again.” –George W. Bush to Nashville, Tennessee audience, Sept. 17, 2002, MSNBC-TV –Politex, Sept. 17, 2002, 10 PM
“There’s no doubt in my mind that we should allow the world worst leaders to hold America hostage, to threaten our peace, to threaten our friends and allies with the world’s worst weapons.” –George W. Bush, South Bend, Indiana, Sept. 5, 2002.
“As you know, these are open forums, you’re able to come and listen to what I have to say.” –George W. Bush, 10.28.03.
“The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the — the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice.” –Washington, D.C., Oct. 27, 2003 “” –George W. Bush, 10.27.03.
“I know something about being a government. And you’ve got a good one.” –George W. Bush, campaigning for Gov. Mike Huckabee, Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 4, 2002
“We look forward to analyzing and working with legislation that will make–it would hope–put a free press’s mind at ease that you’re not being denied information you shouldn’t see.” –G.W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 14, 2005
“I want to thank you for the importance that you’ve shown for education and literacy.” –G.W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 13, 2005
“Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country.” —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004
“We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease.” —Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001
“You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.” —Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001
“We both use Colgate toothpaste.” —after a reporter asked what he had in common with British Prime Minister Tony Blair, Camp David, Md., Feb. 23, 2001
“Tribal sovereignty means that; it’s sovereign. I mean, you’re a — you’ve been given sovereignty, and you’re viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities.”
—Washington, D.C., Aug. 6, 2004
“I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what’s moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably read the news themselves.” —Washington, D.C., Sept. 21, 2003
“I’m the commander — see, I don’t need to explain — I do not need to explain why I say things. That’s the interesting thing about being president.” —as quoted in Bob Woodward’s Bush at War
“I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport.” —Washington, D.C., Oct. 3, 2001
“The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself.” —Grand Rapids, Mich., Jan. 29, 2003
“I saw a poll that said the right track/wrong track in Iraq was better than here in America. It’s pretty darn strong. I mean, the people see a better future.” —Washington, D.C., Sept. 23, 2004
“We need an energy bill that encourages consumption.” —Trenton, N.J., Sept. 23, 2002
“After standing on the stage, after the debates, I made it very plain, we will not have an all-volunteer army. And yet, this week — we will have an all-volunteer army!” —Daytona Beach, Fla., Oct. 16, 2004
“Do you have blacks, too?” —to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso, Washington, D.C., Nov. 8, 2001
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Good morning everyboomie.
Is it Friday yet?
The only reason I ask is that we have a good 90% + chance of thunderstorms, and over an inch of rain then.
It would be awesome to see some hard rain and flash flooding. It's getting hotter by the day. Tuesday is supposed to be 85 degrees.
Anybody want some of that heat?
Today I went to Lowe's and rented a carpet shampooer. That's another item I can cross off my to-do list.
Maybe next week I can shampoo the carpet, and mark that off too.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe