A baby is God’s opinion that life should go on.
CARL SANDBURG
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New Year's Resolutions for HIM and HERHer - Lose weight / Go on a diet / Drink more water
Him - One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or Superbowl weekend)
Her - ONLY one chocolate bar per week
Him - ONLY three nights at topless bar per week
Her - Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week
Him - Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom TV remote
Her - Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine
Him - Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalog mailing list
Her - Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting
Him - Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing
Her - Get organized/clean house
Him - Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)
Her - Buy new Daily Planner
Him - Buy new little Black Book if no luck under furniture
Her - Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance
Him - Score with tall, long-legged Blond in Finance
Her - Read More / Less TV
Him - Buy Dish - More sports channels!!
Her - Watch quality TV with positive messages
Him - When surfing DO NOT stop on "Allie McBeal" -EVER
Her - Plan budget / Save more money
Him - Only three nights at topless bar per week
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The leading couple of this joke consists of a husband and a wife. The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.
"Well, I've seen you naked. You don't need that towel," says the husband.
"I just feel more comfortable this way," the wife responds.
"But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state," continues the husband.
The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo. "I'll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time," he responds, and gets his picture then heading for shower himself. He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.
"Why are you wearing that towel now - I want a photo of you in return," demands the wife. The Husband does as he's told, the photo's taken and they check the result in their digital camera.
"What will you do with this photo of me, then?" asks the husband.
The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again. "I'll have it enlarged," she finally responds.
THAT doesn't work!!
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A man walked into a store.
The store owner asked him, "What do you want, Sir?'
The man replied, "I need optimism, toughness, the will to fight the evils of the world, the power to confront injustices."
The store owner replied, "Here you are sir, a bottle of premium whisky, and some chips to go with it."
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Leela saw her husband Arron step on the weighing machine, and she noticed he was trying to pull in his tummy.
She commented, "You know that's not going to do you any good."
Arron replied, "Of course it will. How else do you think I will be able to see the digits below?"
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Anita went to her mother's home for a couple of weeks to look after her ailing mother, leaving behind her three year old in the care of her mother-in-law.
The day she reached her mother's home, she received an sms from her mother-in-law which read: "Please return soon. Son sad without you"
Anita messaged back to her mother-in-law: "Whose son? Yours or mine?"
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Mike had a haircut at a new salon that had opened in the neighborhood. When he stepped out, he met his friend Joe. Joe asked him, "How is this new clip joint?"
Mike replied, "Well, the haircut was okay but I did not appreciate the 4-letter word that the barber kept repeating during the haircut."
Joe, now intrigued, asked, "What 4 letter word was that?"
Mike replied, "OOPS!"
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As all married couples fight, there was this huge argument between Harold and Gina. Harold decided to give her the silent treatment and stopped talking altogether.
On the third day, Gina got fed up and said to her husband, "If you don't talk till the count of 10, I will consume poison."
She started counting, "1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8"
Harold was silent.
Gina said, "9!!"
Harold was still silent.
Gina screamed, "Please say something!" and then she started sobbing.
Harold said, "Finish the counting."
Gina said with a smile, "Thank God you spoke, or else I really would have done it. Now I know you really love me."
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Jimmy was running helter-skelter in his uncle's house where he was spending his winter holidays. Despite many warnings, he continued to play inside the house and broke an ancient vase.
Uncle Andrew got very upset and screamed, "Do you have any idea how old that was? It was made in the eighteenth century.
"Oh thank God! I thought it was new."
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When Robbie returned from school, his grandad asked, "What did they teach you in school today?"
"I don't know" replied Robbie, "but the teacher kept talking about principles. I didn't understand one word."
Grandad said, "That's not difficult to understand. I will tell you what it is. Say, I buy stuff at the supermarket, and the cashier gives me more change by mistake, my predicament would be whether to keep it
for myself or follow my principles and give it to Grandma."
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Mrs. Robbins, known to be extremely fussy, goes to D-Mart to buy some fresh fruits.
She says to the girl behind the counter, "I want three kilos of pears. Kindly wrap each pear separately in plastic.
The girl behind the counter silently fulfills the customer's demand.
The lady then checks some apples and says to the girl behind the counter, "I would also like to take 2 kilos of fresh apples. Please pack each apple separately in plastic."
Irritated, yet composed, the girl behind the counter obliges Mrs. Robbins again.
Mrs. Robbins, pointing her finger towards a basket inquires, "And what is there in that basket over that side?"
"Grapes", says the girl behind the counter, quickly adding, "but those are rotten!"
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Nathan gifted his son Johnny a guitar on his 16th birthday with vouchers for 5 free lessons.
When Johnny returned from his first lesson, Nathan asked him, "How did it go?"
Johnny replied, "I did learn a few notes on the G Major."
In the next week, after the second lesson, Johnny came home and said, "I did learn a few notes on the D string."
After a few days,Johnny came home very late smelling of alcohol and cigarettes.
So Nathan asked him, "What did you learn in today's lesson?"
Johnny replied, "I could not attend today's lesson. I had a gig!"
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When I was tucking in my two little children to bed, I said that God had given us eyes so we could see the world. Then I touched my daughter Mary's ears and said that God gave us ears to hear. Touching little Jack's nose, I said that God gifted us nose to smell. Hands to work & eat, and legs to run.
Mary asked, "But Mom, God must have made a mistake with Jack because his nose runs and his feet smell."
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Ronald Gabriel was known for his love for golf. How good he was at the sport is another story.
Once while playing, the golf ball landed on an ant-hill. Ronald swung at the ball sitting on the ant-hill. One could see an explosion of mud and ants flying in the air. Everything seemed to have moved but not the golf ball which had not budged from its place.
So Ronald gave it another try and again mud & ants flew in all directions but the golf ball remained where it was.
Two ants, Rub & Dub, who had survived the assault were discussing their strategy for survival.
Rub asked, "What do you think should we do?"
Dub replied, "Get on that ball as as soon as possible!!"
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When my 5 year old son Neil was scribbling something on a notepad, I asked him teasingly, "Are you writing a letter to God?"
Neil replied, "No. I am writing a letter to myself."
I asked, "All right. What are you writing to yourself?"
Neil replied, "I don't know Mom. I haven't received it yet."
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Good morning everyboomie.
Hump Day again?
That must mean I have a doctor's appointment today. Too bad these doctors can't go to their own appointments.
Well that's at 9:00, and then I happen to be free for the rest of the year.
Tuesday I must have been exhausted over something. I got up at 7:00 and ate breakfast, and then I went back to bed, until 12:00.
I guess it was crawling around in the attic that much.
Anyway after I got up the second time, I took the dogs to the park, and then came back and mowed the lawn.
We have more storms coming. I see by the radar that Kansas is really getting pounded. So is a big part of Texas and Oklahoma.
In pray everyone is safe tonight.
Have a happy Hump Day everyone.
joe
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Good Morning Joe, Space, Ana and everyone. Stay safe Joe. Have a nice day Space. Ana what are you up to today. Coffee and tea are ready. 
