Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
TOM STOPPARD
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A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live.
He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell me."
The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I'm about to go home to be with the Lord, why don't you show me what's in that secret box of yours?"
The preacher's wife got out the box and opened the lid.
It contained $10,000 and three eggs.
"What are those eggs doing in the box?" the preacher asked. "Well, Honey," she replied, "every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the box.
Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul.
"And what about that $10,000?"" he asked.
"Oh, you see," she whispered softly, "every time there were a dozen eggs in the box, I . . . ummm . . . sold them . . . and put a dollar in the box."
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A string walked into a bar, hopped on the bar stool, and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender said, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here."
Disappointed, the string hopped down from the stool and went to the next bar. He hopped on the bar stool and said, again, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender said, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here."
The string continued down the row of bars in this fashion. At every bar, he hopped on the bar stool and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender at every bar in turn said, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here."
Finally he got to the last bar in the area. He was tired, he was sweaty, all he wanted was a beer. He trudged inside, climbed on the bar stool, and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." This bartender, too, said, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here."
Tired and angry, the string walked outside to think. He was a hard-working string. He deserved a beer. Finally, he came up with an idea. He had a passerby tie him up into a bow and frazzle his ends. Then he went back into the bar, and climbed up on the bar stool. "Bartender, gimme a beer!" he said loudly.
The bartender looked him over critically, and finally yelled, "Hey, aren't you that string that was in here a few minutes ago?"
The string replied coolly, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
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The Spuds had three daughters, all of whom went away to college. There they met and dated several different people. All three became engaged at the same time, and went home to tell their parents.
The oldest daughter said, "Mom, Dad, I have some good news. I'm getting married!"
The parents asked, "So who is the lucky fellow?"
"His name is Daniel Russet," the daughter said, with a hint of pride in her voice.
"Wonderful!" The proud parents exclaimed. "The Russets are a distinguished line of potatoes!"
The middle daughter said, "Mom, Dad, I have good news, too. I'm also engaged to be married."
"And who are you going to marry, dear?"
"His name is Benjamin Idaho," the daughter replied.
"Oh, the Idahos are a fine old potato family," Mom and Dad Spud said. "We're so happy for both of you!"
The youngest daughter's turn came. She said, "Mom, Dad, you won't believe this. I'm engaged, too!"
"And who is your lucky fellow?" the parents wanted to know.
His name is Tom Brokow," was the reply.
At this the parents looked at their youngest daughter with a disapproving stare. "But, honey," they gasped. "That won't do at all! Why, he's just . . . a common tater!"
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Once there was a family of skunks who lived in a hollow tree. There were two baby skunks. Their names were In and Out.
Now whenever In went out, Out came in, and whenever Out went out, In came in. If In happened to be in and wanted to go out, he would not go out until Out came in. And if Out happened to be in, and wanted to go out, he would not go out until In came in.
One day a big storm blew up, and the mother and father skunks were worried about their children. So they quickly looked around to see whether In was in and Out was out or if Out was in and In was out. Out happened to be in right then. The mother skunk said to Out, "Out, go out and bring In in, please. I'm worried about him."
Out said, "Sure thing, Mama." So Out went out, and for the very first time Out and In were out at the same time. Just a minute or two later Out came back in, and In came in behind him. For the first time in a long time In and Out were in at the same time.
The mother skunk was amazed. "Out, how did you find your brother so quickly?" she asked.
"Oh, Mama, it was easy," Out said. "In stinked!"
If you need a hint, that's instinct.
I have to admit.........
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A man moved to another state where he didn't know anyone. In the move, his old piano was jarred, and of course it needed to be tuned when the man arrived.
So he asked around, and was told that Earl Opporknockity was the best piano tuner in the area. The man called Earl and hired him to tune his piano.
Earl had a keen ear and a deft touch, and did a wonderful job tuning the old piano. The man was able to play beautiful music once again, and was very pleased.
After a year or so the old piano started producing sour notes again. So the man called Earl, and asked him to come work his magic on the old piano again.
To the man's surprise, Earl refused, saying "Sorry, I can't accept the job."
"Why not?" the man wanted to know. "I'll pay you twice as much as last time if you'll just come tune my piano."
"Haven't you heard?" Earl asked, "Opporknockity only tunes once."
I think Opporknockity is misspelled.
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A bit-part actor finally got his first leading role in a major film. In one scene the actor had to jump off a high diving board in to a swimming pool. He climbed to the top of the board, looked down and promptly climbed down again.
`What’s the matter? asked the director.
`I can’t jump from that board! said the actor.
`Do you know there’s only one foot of water in that pool?
'Yes', said the director. `We don’t want you to drown, you know.'
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Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
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Southwest Airlines makes humor a high priority. Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flight crews:
"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it`s warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it`s dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y`all wanna go there I can`t imagine."
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to a seat outside on the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Flight attendant: To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don`t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn`t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults ac ting like children."
Pilot: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it`s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
At the end of a flight: "Our flight attendants are now walking through the aisles with trash receptacles for any garbage you might have or anything else that you might wanna give us!"
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
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Good morning everyboomie.
I'm glad it's Thursday. Wednesday was wickedly windy.
That really didn't matter though, I didn't do much.
Tuesday night was another rough night. I woke up at 2:15, and then the storms hit after that. They weren't long lived, but I still couldn't go back to sleep.
After my physical, I came back home, and tried to sleep for 2 hours, and I still couldn't, so I'm really counting on sawing a whole forest tonight.
Thump Day is only going to 65 for the high, so I'm running back out to the sod farm and see what I can find.
My store manager at Lowe's texted me today and asked me if I was ready to do some part time. I told him I would come in Friday and talk to him.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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witter
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Good Luck hunting Joe. Ana have a great day. Coffee and tea are ready. 
for the laughs Joe. 
