Worry is interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
WILLIAM RALPH INGE
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Dean and Martin hired a small plane to get into deep forest to hunt deer. They spent the whole afternoon and killed four big deer. They then called for the pilot to pick them up. When the plane came, they started to load their rifles and other equipments along with the four hunts. At this, the pilot objected saying the plane could take load of only two kills.
Dean argued that the previous year too their pilot had allowed four kills and it was the same model plane. The pilot gave in reluctantly against his better judgment.
They boarded the plane with their load. But after gaining height the plane crashed a little distance away. Getting out of the plane, Dean asked: “Mart, any idea where we are?”
Martin looked around and said: “Ummh.... I think we are a little south to where we crashed last year.”
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My father was out for his morning jog, when he noticed an old white-haired woman seated on a bench and crying uncontrollably. My father stopped to check what was wrong and if he could do anything to help her.
Still sobbing, she said to Dad, "I have a husband at home who I am married to since the last 48 years. He makes love to me in the morning. For breakfast, he makes poached eggs, toast, grilled tomatoes, fried mushrooms and fresh coffee for me very morning."
My father asked, "So why are you weeping?"
The white-haired woman said, "For lunch, he prepares broccoli soup, salad, steak and pie. Then he gives pleasure to me in bed all afternoon."
My father, now thoroughly confused, asked, "So why is it that you are upset?"
The old woman went on, "He makes roasted beef for dinner, serves it to me with wine and dessert. Then he makes me feel like a woman for 2 hours in the night."
My father, impatient by now, asked again, "So why the tears?"
The old woman answered, "I can't recollect where I live!"
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Cyndy had just delivered a baby and was adjusting to the life of a woman who had recently become a mother.
One night, after she and her husband Peter had just put the baby to sleep, she found Peter stand near the baby's cradle looking at the child. Cyndy was standing at the door, observed Peter's face looking down at the new born. His face was a mix of emotions - uncertainty, disbelief, pleasure, happiness, admiration.
Cyndy was deeply touched to see such a display of emotions on Peter's face. She went up to him and putting her arms around his shoulder, asked, "What are you thinking honey?"
Peter replied, "It's incredible, It's hard to believe someone sold the cradle to us for only $47!!"
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Bill got into an argument with his wife Stella. Stella went out fuming in rage.
When she returned, Bill asked her, "Where did you leave my car??"
Stella replied, "In the garden."
Bill said, "But there's noway into the garden!"
Stella gave him a sarcastic look and replied, "Now there is!"
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Tim, a clarinet player and Jim, a flute player were playing fusion music at a club on Christmas eve. Everybody seemed to be enjoying the music and there was applause every few minutes.
When the place was to close down for the night, the club manager met the two musicians and made an offer, "Good job guys. They love you. Would you both be able to play here next Christmas eve?"
Tim and Jim take a quick glance at each other and Jim says to the manager, "No problem, we would love to...is it ok with you if we leave our instruments here?"
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Neil was engaged to Betty. One day, he dropped by to see her and said, "I am sorry, darling but I have to call off our engagement. I have to marry another girl."
Betty became hysterical and cried, "Why Niel? Why do you wish to marry another girl? Is she better looking than me?"
"No", answered Niel. "She is not."
Betty's next question was, "Does she cook better than me?"
"No", answered Niel, "Her best doesn't even come close to yours."
Betty asked, "Does she buy you things like I do?"
"No", answered Niel, "She does not work, and has no bank balance."
Betty, completely frustrated by now, asked, "Then what can she do that I cannot do?"
Niel, avoiding eye contact, answered, "She can go to court for child support."
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Monty Moolik was the Chairman of an organization that promoted vegetarian food. For years, he had one wish - to experience the taste of pork. when the feeling was getting a little out of hand, he decided to go on a vacation all by himself and experiment. So he headed for a beach resort away from town, and found a nice restaurant to have his dinner. He ordered a roasted pig, and waited for the experience of a life time. The wait was making him a little edgy, when he heard his name being called from behind. When he turned to see who was calling out his name, he was flabbergasted to see a member of the Veg society walking towards him. At the same time, the waiter came along with a big platter, carrying a full roasted pig and an apple in it's mouth.
Monty thought fast and finally said to his fellow member, "Look at this! I just order an apple and look what it came in!!"
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My dear friend, Bubba was taken to the emergency room of Apollo hospital. When the doctor saw the burn marks on his ears, he asked, "How did this happen?"
Bubba replied, "Well the missus was ironing clothes right next to the computer table where I was playing games on my PC. She kept the iron next to the phone and when the phone rang, I picked the iron."
The doctor rolled his eyes and asked, "What happened to the other ear."
The dim-witted Bubba replied, "Immediately after that, the phone rang again."
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United Airlines was operating it's flight from Amarillo to Cancun. The passengers were all looking forward to their holiday in Cancun when suddenly there was an announcement in the plane.
"There is a technical fault in one of the engines of the plane. This will cause a delay of 20 minutes in landing."
There was some commotion among the passengers and then everyone settled down.
A little later, there was another announcement.
"The first engine has failed and the second engine has also developed a fault.There will be a delay of another 60 minutes."
Passengers voice their concerns and then they settle down again.
A third announcement follows.
"Two engines failed. Third engine developed fault. Too much pressure on the last engine. Delay of another 2 hours"
An old lady, who was looking forward to the beaches of Cancun and not too happy with the situation, said loudly "I hope the fourth engine remains intact. I don't want to spend the rest of the night up here."
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Tom was 70 and Diana was 65, when they decided to go on a cruise in the Carribean. They were having a conversation at the deck, when a giant wave came up and took away Diana with it.
They arranged to send divers down the sea to find her but she could not be traced. After days of unsuccessful attempts to trace her, they sent Tom home promising him that they will continue their search and will notify him if there is any news.
After about 15 days, Tom got a call from the Captain. He said, "I am sorry, I have bad news sir. We found her body at the bottom of the sea and when we pulled her up on the deck, there was an oyster stuck to her bums. We opened it and found a big pearl inside. We estimate its value to be half a million. What do you want us to do?"
Tom replied, "Courier me the pearl. Use DHL. And send her back in as bait."
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Good morning everyboomie. Gunga Din here
My Thursday was pretty good.....as Thursdays go.
I went out to the great sod patch, following the sun as it arose in my eyes.
I poked around here, and I poked around there.
Then just like Little Jack Horner, I sat in the corner eating my biscuits and gravy. I don't care for curds and whey.
AnyWhey I stuck in a thumb, really it was a shovel, and pulled out an arrowhead, and said
NO WHEY!!! 
I only found the one point, but what a good boy am I,
I found one point! 
That's one more than I had when I went out there, and dug enough holes to bury 12 people.
Get my point?
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
It was worth it! 
Good Morning Joe, Ana and all. Coffee and tea are ready. Have a great day everyone! 
looney. 
