Being the richest man in the cemetery doesn’t matter to me. Going to bed at night saying we’ve done something wonderful, that’s what matters to me.
STEVE JOBS
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Aron went to this new fast food joint in Infinity mall. Always demanding by habit, he said to the waiter, "Get me steak, not too rare, not too well done, just right in the middle."
His next demand was, "Get me nachos. Not too crispy, not too soggy, but right in the middle."
Another order followed, "Get me cold coffee, not too thick, not too thin, but right in the middle."
The waiter took the order and headed for the kitchen. He came back smiling and said to Aron, "Chef Jolly said you can kiss his backside, not on the right, not on the left, but right in the middle."
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Jim Weber, the conductor was furious with Hank, the drummer, who constantly seemed to be out of beat. Having supervised him for long hours, Jim felt frustrated as Hank did not show any signs of improvement.
Frustrated, Jim Weber reprimanded Hank, "When a performer can't perform anymore and is too stubborn to pick up, they give him 2 sticks, and make him a drummer."
A violinist whispered, "And if he doesn't even manage that, they snatch one of his sticks and make him a conductor!"
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Rob worked at the local post office, and one day he day he found a letter which was addressed to God. Intrigued, he decided to open it. It read:
Dear Allmighty
I am a 79 year old widow surviving on pension. Last evening, I got mugged on the streets, and was robbed of the $500 that I had to last me for the rest was of the month. It is my granddaughter's birthday next week and I had planned on buying a nice present for her. Now, I have no money even to buy food. I am depending on you for help.
In need
Suzie.
Rob was moved by the letter and showed it to all his colleagues. Immediately, everyone started contributing to a small fund they created. When they counted the money, it totaled to $490. They put it in an envelope & sent it to Suzie anonymously. Thinking that Suzie would now be able to buy a gift for her granddaughter, they all felt good for having contributed to a noble cause.
A few days later, they found another letter from the old widow which was again addressed to God. All the employees in the dept gathered to read the letter.
The letter said:
Dear Almighty
I can't thank you enough for your kind gesture. I was able to buy a nice gift for my granddaughter and felt so satisfied to see the happiness on her face when she received the gift. I was also able to pull through the rest of the month. Just wanted to inform you that it was $10 short in the envelope. I am sure it is the work of those crooks in the postal department. I hope you will punish them!
Ever-so-grateful
Suzie.
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I was an air-hostess employed with Kingfisher Airlines. One day, minutes after the last announcement for boarding the flight, I saw a man rush in and looking for an empty seat. He spotted one and flopped into the seat. Later in the night, I noticed that the guy was getting disturbed by the constant fidgeting of a woman seated next to him. She would keep switching the lights on and off, get up frequently to go to the toilet. But the guy did not say anything and just kept quiet.
I felt sorry for him, so I went up to him and whispered, "Sir, would you like to take another seat?"
He smiled and replied, "My wife has been irritating me for several years. No point in separating us now!"
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Rob called his lawyer for some urgent work and the lawyer's secretary answered, "I am afraid I have bad news. He died this morning."
Rob called back again after some time, and got the same answer.
He called 10 more times, and the lawyer's secretary, clearly angered by now, shouted, "Don't you understand? He's DEAD!!!"
Rob replied, "Oh yes, I understand. I just love hearing it over & over again!"
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Mrs. Morgan's doctor was shocked when she asked him for birth-control pills. "But Mrs. Morgan," the doctor said, "You are 73 years old. What do you want to do with birth control pills?"
Mrs. Morgan replied, "Those pills help me sleep in peace."
The doctor, more puzzled, asked, "What have birth control pills got to do with sleep?"
Mrs. Morgan smiled and said, "My teenaged granddaughter is quite a wild cat. I put the pills in her milk everyday and it helps me sleep peacefully."
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Joe was in Honolulu for his honeymoon. He had rented a flat for 2 weeks as he wanted to avoid a hotel. After the first night, Joe woke after early next morning, prepared a breakfast of scrambled eggs, toast and coffee. He brought the breakfast for his wife Clara to enjoy it in bed.
Clara was thrilled.
Joe said to her, "Hope you have carefully observed what I did."
Clara replied, "Yes of course. Everything that you did."
Joe said, "That's good. This is how I want you to serve me from now on."
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When Nathan came home, he asked his wife Dara, "What is Tim doing?" Tim was their 10-year old son who loved gadgets. Dara told him that Tim was in his bedroom playing with the chemistry set that they had gifted him on Christmas eve. Nathan wanted to check on his son, so he went upstairs to Tim's bedroom. As he got closer to Tim's room, he heard the sound of something being pounded on the wall. When he entered the room, he saw Tim hammering a nail into the wall.
Nathan asked his son, "What are you doing, Tim? Why are you hammering the nail into the wall? Aren't you supposed to be playing with your chemistry set?
Tim replied, "Dad, this is not a nail, its an insect. I prepared a solution from the chemicals and drowned the insect in it. The insect became hard as a nail."
Nathan pondered over it and said, "I'll make you a deal. Give me that solution and I will gift you a PlayStation."
"Deal" said Tim while handing over the solution to his father.
The next morning when Tim went down to the living room, he found a brand new X-Box of the latest version. He asked his father, "What about the PlayStation?"
Nathan replied, "The PlayStation is on the dining table. The X-Box is a gift from your Mom."
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Tara and her 6-year-old son, Arjun, were on board the Blue Ocean, a cruise service from Bombay to Goa in India. Arjun was excited to be on the deck all day. He asked his mother, "Mom, if big dolphins have baby dolphins and bik sharks have baby sharks, then why don't big ships have baby ships?"
Tara, engrossed in the novel that she was reading, and unable to come up with an immediate answer, said to Arjun "Why don't you find the Captain and ask him?"
Arjun ran towards the Captain's cabin and finding him, posed his question,"Sir, if big dolphins have baby dolphins and big sharks have baby sharks, then why don't big ships have baby ships?"
The Captain was wise and asked the boy, "Did your mother send you to me with this question?"
"Yes", replied Arjun.
"Well", said the Captain, "Tell your mother that the Blue Ocean pulls out on time."
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Martha had arranged for a carpool for her daughter Juliet to go for her tennis classes. It was her turn on Wednesday, but her husband had the car. She felt awkward to tell the woman with whom she had the carpool arrangement, that she would not be able to take her turn. Since it had to be done, she called the woman and explained. The other woman agreed and just a few minutes before she was due to arrive, Martha's husband showed up. It was too late for her to call her carpool partner and explain that she could make it after all. So she asked her husband to park the car in the garage and close the garage door.
Martha instructed her daughter Juliet that she should feign ignorance about her father's whereabouts. Everything was set but the husband did not remember to shut the garage door. He was chatting with a friend right in front of the garage with the door open! Came along the carpool friend and took Juliet for the tennis classes.
When Juliet returned, Martha asked her if the carpool friend had noticed.
"She did", replied Juliet. "She asked me which one of the two men in front of the garage was my father. I told her I have no idea"
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Good morning everyboomie.
Over the hump, I land with a thump, and off to the sod farm I go.
It's going to be a real nice day here, and I have not heard anything from Lowe's yet, so I'm not waisting the day.
I managed to exercise Wednesday, and I mowed my lawn in the evening, It was cool and windy, and felt good, and I'm glad to get it out of the way.
Pretty darned soon I know I won't even want to be outside in the sweltering heat.
If you want to know a secret though, I'd walk through Mordor for a nice arrowhead.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
on the hunting.
Good Morning Joe, Ana, MaG and all. Coffee and tea are ready. 
for the laughs Joe.
