No change of circumstances can repair a defect of character.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
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It was the founder's day at the Asian Heart institute, a reputed hospital specializing in heart diseases.
Dr. Robert Smith had been invited to be the chief guest and to deliver a speech on healthy living. During his speech, Dr Smith said, "The things that we eat can end our lives. Aerated drinks corrode our bodies, red meat is dangerous for the heart, Chinese food is full of sodium, our drinking water has bacteria, high fat foods have dangerous impacts over a period of time. However, there is one food that we have all relished and which can cause the highest level of damage. Can anyone seated here tell me what is that food which can cause anguish and misery for years after eating it.
There was silence in the audience, till the time a very old gentleman slowly raised his hand and replied, "Wedding cake."
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Rahat Khan, a stingy old money-lender in rural India, was on his death bed. So great was his love for money that he wanted to take all of it to his afterlife. So Rahat Khan instructed his wife to collect 5 grand from the bank and put it in 2 large leather cases. The next instruction to her was to place the leather bags in the attic
just above his bed so that when he started for his final destination, he would grab the bags while proceeding to Heaven.
Rahat Khan died and his wife led a lonely life. After a few months, when she went to the attic to clean, she found the two bags stuffed with money. She said to herself, "That foolish husband of mine, he should have asked me to place the bags in the basement!"
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Adam went to Tito's bar in Goa and saw an overweight girl dancing on a table.
Adam commented, "Nice legs!"
The overweight girl smiled at him and said, "Yeah? You really think so?"
Adam said sarcastically, "Yeah! I mean it. Most other tables would have crashed by now!"
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Rita : Darling, I need $500 for shopping.
Harry (a little upset): You need brains more than money.
Rita (retorting): I can only ask you for something that you have!
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Roger was taking a walk with the priest when he said he wanted to share something. The priest asked him to go on and Roger said, "It's about my son. I deal in clothes and I asked him to join my business. Last week, I caught him kissing one of the models."
The priest tried to console him, "It okay Roger. Why are you making such a big deal out of it? Boys will be boys."
Roger replied, "I deal in men's clothes."
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Dean and Martin were sitting in a bar nursing their respective poisons. Dean appeared to be depressed. Martin asked the reason.
Dean said, “Sometimes I really don’t understand how my wife and I ended up getting married.”
Martin said, “Huh, what’s bothering you?”
Dean went on, “My wife swore to God she would never marry me when I was drunk and I would never even dream of marrying her when I was sober.”
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Lawyer: “You were there when the accident occurred?”
Witness: “Yes sir, I was there.”
Lawyer: “Would you mind telling the judge which vehicles were involved in the mishap?”
Witness: “Both were state buses.”
Lawyer: “How did the accident happen?”
Witness: “They were coming from the opposite directions and crashed into each other head on.”
Lawyer: “Did you notice which bus crashed into which bus first?”
Witness: "I think it was the one going North. It seemed to be travelling faster."
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Dean was dealing in furniture, especially antique furniture. And to acquire old pieces of furniture, he had to travel regularly to other cities.
On one such visit, after the day’s work, he was sitting in a bar nursing a drink, when a cute girl, probably French, walked in. The bar was crowded but there was a vacant seat next to Dean. The girl walked over and occupied the chair.
Out of common courtesy, Dean offered her a drink but she did not understand English. So Dean took a paper napkin and made a rough sketch of glass with whisky and looked at the girl lifting his eye brows questioningly. She immediately understood and nodded her consent. After a couple of rounds of drinks, Dean took another napkin and drew a picture of a man and a woman dancing and she immediately got up to dance. They had a few more drinks after that and of course, dinner.
The girl, now happy and more than satisfied, took a napkin and drew a picture of a big double bed. To this day Dean has not been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
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Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, "Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death. I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens."
Sam continued, "I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head."
There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, "Who is Mary?"
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Desmond, known to be notorious, is having a drink at his favourite watering hole.
Having had a drink too many, he feels the need to go to the urinal. Fearing that someone in the cheap joint will drink his rum, he puts a label on his glass, marked "I licked the glass and spat in it. DO NOT TOUCH!"
When he returns from the urinal, there is another label on his glass marked "ME TOO!"
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Renita goes to see Dr. Mulbury in a state of despair.
"Doctor", says Renita, "There is something terribly wrong with me. I think I am turning into a dog!"
Dr. Mulbury, pretty shocked to hear such a statement, responds, "My dear, I am sure you are suffering from some ailment, but be assured, you cannot turn into a dog."
Renita, far from being assured, goes on, "Look at my teeth, Dr. Mulbury. They are beginning to look like a canine's teeth!"
Dr. Mulbury said, "I can see that. Your teeth do look sharp but that does not mean you are turning into a dog."
Renita, not ready to be dismissed so easily, continues, "Look at all the hair I am getting on my hands and legs!"
Dr. Mulbury, now concerned, replies,"There certainly is some disorder, but you are not turning into a dog."
Renita says, "Look at my tongue, it was never this long!!"
Dr. Mulbury takes a look and says, "Yes, it appears to be long."
Renita adds,"Look at my nails, doc. Have you seen a woman with nails this long and sharp?'
Dr. Mulbury is worried now, and manages to mumble, "Hmm..."
Renita, now going wild, lifts her skirt and says, "I am even developing a tail!"
Dr. Mulbury, visibly shaken, starts scribbling something on a piece of paper.
Renita says, "Are you writing me a prescription? I just hope it helps. I am going crazy!"
Dr. Mulbury says, "Not really. I am writing a letter to my uncle who works at the Mayor's office. Show him this letter and he will give you permission to use the fire hydrants!"
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Mary goes to a shrink and tells him her concerns.
She says, "Doc, I need help. I have this problem - whenever I date a nice guy, I end up sleeping with him. Later, I carry guilt that lasts for several days and I go into depression."
The shrink says, "Hmmm...from what you just told me, I understand you want me to help you strengthen your will power and resistance."
"Good lord, No!!" exclaimed Mary. "Why on earth would I want that? I want you to help me not feel guilty and depressed later."
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Three friends - Bob, Joe and Mark are having beer at their regular watering hole.
Bob says to his friends, "I found plumbing tools in my wife's wardrobe. I think she is seeing a plumber."
Joe says, "I found a first-aid box in my wife's wardrobe. I think she is seeing a doctor."
Mark adds, "Wait till you hear what I have to say. I found a cowboy hiding in my wife's wardrobe. I think she is seeing a horse!"
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Maynard Mays gets lost in the desert. He does not have any food on him and has already licked the last drop of water from his water-bottle two days ago. He is about to give up all hopes of survival when he hears some sounds from the distance.
He listens hard and what sounds like dogs barking, seems to get nearer and nearer.
Maynard tries to lift himself from the ground to take a look at the source of the sound. He is sure he is hallucinating when suddenly, out of nowhere, an Eskimo in a fur coat appears on a sled dragged by snow dog.
He rubs his eyes and takes another look. and sure enough, there is an eskimo standing right over him. He calls out to the Eskimo in a broken voice and says, "Help!".
The Eskimo and his snow dogs surround him and Maynard manages to say weakly, "I have no idea how or why you are here, but Allah be praised. I have been roaming in the desert for days without food and water and I am totally lost."
The Eskimo,wiping the sweat from his forehead, comments, "You think you are lost!!!"
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David met his old friend Eduardo after a long time.
David: How have you been?
Eduardo: I dated a girl for 4 years. Her name's Veronica.
David: Ok. What about her?
Eduardo: I married her.
David: Oh! That's great!
Eduardo: No, that's terrible! She's ugly!
David: That's terrible!
Eduardo: No, that's great! She is wealthy!
David: That's great!
Eduardo: No, that's terrible! She won't part with a cent!
David: That's terrible!
Eduardo: No that's great! She bought a big bungalow for me!
David: That's great!
Eduardo: No that's terrible! The house caught fire!
David: That's terrible!
Eduardo: No, that's great! She was in the house.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
I'm gonna party all weekend, with the ladies.
All their overtures, and advances are wearing me down.
It's time to put all this exercise to good use.
Actually I think I've figured out my secret motivation to running a marathon.
I just imagine 'some' of the aforementioned ladies are chasing me.
In all things, be careful what you wish for. You cannot have your cake and eat it too.
Which is good actually. Cake is full of sugar.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Joe! Run, Joe, Run!! 
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Coffee and tea are ready. 
I'm slowly returning to the land of living...
