My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
HENNY YOUNGMAN
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Madonna says to her father, "Daddy, I am head over heals in love with a guy, but he is so far away from me. I am in the US, he lives in India. We found each other on a dating site, got to be friends on Fb, chatted in Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Google Hangouts and we built our relationship on Snapchat. Daddy dear, please don't preach. Just need your love and support."
Madonna's dad says, "That's something! Why don't you marry on Twitter, have a good time on Tango, purchase your kids on Amazon and send them through Paypal. And if your husband is giving you a tough time, sell him on Ebay."
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The Smith family was holidaying and they had taken their car along. They were speeding along when they noticed a big green frog in the middle of the road. Mr. Smith braked hard and the car screeched to a stop inches from the frog.
Mr. Smith got out, picked up the frog and took him to the side of the road to safety.
The frog spoke and told Mr. Smith that it was a magical frog and wanted to grant him a wish for saving its life.
Mr. Smith said, "I want my pet Bonnie to bag the first place in the dog race."
The frog said to Mr. Smith, "Ok, let me have a look at your dog."
Mr. Smith called out to Bonnie who limped out of the car. The frog had a look at the dog who had only three legs, was overweight, and just about managed to drag its body. The frog said with disgust, "You want that dog to win the race!! Don't you think it's impossible! Why don't you ask for another wish."
Mr. Smith said, "Ok, can you help my wife win the beauty pageant in the city."
The frog said, "All right, lets take a look at your wife."
Mrs. Smiths stormed out of the car.
The frog said to Mr. Smith, "I would like to take another look at that dog."
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George received a msg on Whatsapp from his neighbour Toby.
The msg read as follows: "Need to make a confession to you, George. I cannot carry the burden of this guilt anymore. I have been using your wife, day and night, when you are away. In fact, I have been using more than you. It might sound as a lame excuse but I have not been getting it at home. The guilt is killing me and I seek your forgiveness. I am really sorry and promise you I will never do it again. "
George, with mad anger and tears running down his eyes grabbed his gun, found his wife in the kitchen, and shot her in the head.
A second Whatsapp msg followed from Toby.
"This autocorrect will be the end of me someday. I meant 'wifi' and not 'wife'."
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My grandpa said to me, "I guess I am getting really old after all."
I asked, "What happened'?
Grandpa grumbled, "I went to Kaka's antique auction and four people bid on me!"
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Sid left the bar and was on the way home, filthy and smelling like a pig.
He managed to board a bus and slumped next to a nun. Sid was quite a sight - his clothes were dirty and stained with lipstick marks, and every now and then, he took a swig of rum from a hip flask. He opened a magazine and began reading. Then he asked the nun, "Sister, what causes high blood pressure?"
The nun replied sarcastically, "It's the result of leading an amorous life, drinking too much rum, lack of discipline, and disregard for your fellow man."
"Oh my God!" muttered Sid, returning to his magazine.
The nun was felling a little guilty for her outburst and said, "Look, I am sorry, I didn't mean to be rude to you. How long have you been suffering from high blood pressure?"
"I don't, Sister. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.
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John was a patient living in a mental hospital since many years. Lately, he had developed this habit of putting his ear to the wall and listening.
The hospital doctor would watch John do this day after day. One day, the doctor finally decided to see what John was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
So he turned to John and said, "I don't hear anything."
John said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for many months now!"
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Daisy, a resident nurse at the City hospital, was not satisfied with her job, so she resigned. She was confident that she would easily find another job due to the high demand for nurses in her locality.
She sent e-mails with cover letters to several potential employers and attached her resume to each one. A couple of weeks later, Daisy was disappointed as she had not received a single invitation for an interview.
Finally she received a mail from a prospective employer which explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else.
It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetarian burritos recipe."
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During the proceedings of a court case, the lawyer asked the woman in the witness stand, "Ms. Maira, the defendant's wife has identified you as the 'other woman' in her husband's life. Do you admit that you went to the Crescent hotel with Mr. Jones?"
"Ah, yes," acknowledged Maira with a sob, "but I couldn't help it."
The lawyer asked, "Why couldn't you help it?"
Maira said, "Mr. Jones deceived me."
The lawyer asked, "Be specific. What do you mean?"
"Well, when we signed in," she cried, "he told the hotel clerk I was his wife."
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Peter, the baker was about to call it a day when a man rushes into his bakery.
"I want to have a cake made right now!" the man exclaims.
"Well, I'm sorry," replies Peter. "But I was just closing shop. My staff has left, all my machines have been turned off. I'm afraid you'll have to come back tomorrow."
The man insisted, "I cannot wait till tomorrow. It's absolutely essential that this cake be made right now!"
Now, Peter hated to turn a customer back, so he says, "Let me see what I can do." He goes inside and turns all his machinery back on. He then comes back to the counter and ties on his apron. "Okay, what do you want?"
The man takes out a sketch from his pocket and shows it to Peter. There is a nicely drawn image of a cake." It has to look just like this," says the man. "Exactly one foot wide, eight inches long, and six inches tall. White frosting, light blue icing, and a green cursive "R" in the middle. Just like this."
Somewhat taken aback, Peter ponders the sketch for a few moments and replies. "I think I can do that. I will have it ready in about an hour."
"An hour!" exclaims the man. "That's will be a problem. I need this in 30 minutes."
"30 minutes?" responds Peter. "I'm not sure I can do that. I suppose I might be able to get it done that fast if I used some pre-made dough. The taste will not be as good though..."
The man replies while checking his watch frantically "I don't care. Just get it done."
So Peter goes back and makes the cake. He works harder and faster than he ever done before, and manages to produce the cake in just about half an hour. He presents it to the man fresh out of the oven. "Will this be adequate?" he asks.
The man takes a measuring tape from his pocket. He checks the length, width, and height very carefully. He then compares it to the sketch. Suddenly, a look of horror comes across his face. "Oh no!" he exclaims. "The 'R' is the wrong shade of green! It has to be the same shade as the sketch. Oh, what will I do now?"
"Relax," says Peter. "If the shade really is a problem I think I can re-ice it. It may take a few more minutes."
"You think you can?" asks the man anxiously. "Well then, please do it fast!"
So the baker quickly takes the cake back and puts on a new "R". A few moments later, he brings it back to man. "There you are. Is this what you wanted?" he asks.
Once again the man examines the cake, checking every detail. He compares the shades of green, and this time decides they're all right. "Okay" says the man quickly, "this is good. Can I pay you now?"
"Of course," says Peter, quickly readying the cash register. "The boxes we have available are all over here. You can take your pick."
"Oh no, that won't be required," answers the man. "I'll eat it here."
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Two psychiatrists had taken the evening off to have some fun and are enjoying a ride on a bike.
They have an accident and one of them, who had taken a bad fall, in grievously injured, with cuts, bruises and a lot of bleeding.
The other sits by his side and asks,
"Do you want to talk about it ?"
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Good morning everyboomie.
I'm running kind of late this evening. I'm sitting here watching 300.
All that gore is kinda cool.
I remember seeing in it the theater in St Louis with my friend Brooke.
I remember when she saw all those ripped abs running at her on the big screen she dropped her popcorn.
Oh this is nice. I just received a text from the Town of Calera stating:
Trash off this Saturday 8th for those with Tuesday pick up day.Received Saturday 8th at 8:56.....pm.
It's so nice that I get advanced notice on these events.
No problem, I'll just carry my trash across the street to the neighbor's yard.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Joe, technology at its finest! Hope you have enough bins for another week of garbage! 
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Joe are you going head hunting today? Ana I hope you feel better. Coffee and tea are ready. Wishing you all a sunny day! 
Now we are all changing and then heading out to a baseball game/retirment ceremony for someone Hubby works with. So we will be gone all afternoon. Supposed to be in the 80's. 
