Robert Orben
Don’t smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We’re all on the road to the grave–but there’s no need to be in the passing lane.
````````````
Dana and Ted's granddaughter, Alice had come to stay with them for the summer vacations, and they decided to take the kid out for dinner. The pizzeria where they went, had movie memorabilia plastered on all the walls.
Ted was in the queue to order their pizza, and when he returned, he saw little Alice staring at a poster of Phantom standing in a phone booth. Seeing a puzzled expression on Alice's face, Ted asked Dana, "Doesn't she know who Phantom is?"
"Worse, "Dana replied, "Alice doesn't even know what a phone booth is!"
````````````
David asks his little son Jovie, "Tell me Jovie, whom do you love more, Mom or Dad?"
Jovie had learnt to be diplomatic at an early age. So he replied, "I love you both the same."
David said, "Son, you need to choose between one of us."
Jovie replied, "My answer is BOTH!"
So, David decides to test him further and asks, "Ok, if I go to London and your mother decides to go to Rome, where will you go?"
Jovie says, "I will go to Rome."
David says to his son, "That means you love your mother more than you love me."
Jovie replies, "No. I want to go to Rome because it is more beautiful than London."
David tests his son again, "Fine, if I go to Rome and your mother goes to London, who will you go with?"
Jovie replies, "I will go to London."
David says, "Why? You just said Rome is better."
Jovie chuckles and says,"I already visited Rome with mom."
``````````````````
Little Pamela watched as her mother welcomed Aunt Dorris into the living room. Little Pamela asked her aunt if she would like to go to the backyard to see her bicycle.
Aunt Dorris agreed and they went to the backyard where a brand new bicycle was parked.
Aunt Dorris, "Wow, that's a beautiful bicycle! Can you ride it?"
"Of course I can ride it!" said Little Pamela, and then added sadly, "but it's broke."
Aunt Dorris looked again at the bicycle and it seemed absolutely ok to her.
So she asked her, "It looks fine to me. What's wrong with it?"
Little Pamela said, "Its strange. Whenever I get on it, it falls down!"
````````````````
It was my turn to drive the carpool and drop the children to school. We were on the way to school, when a six-year-old boy asked me how the moon shines.
Trying to sound smarter then a 6 year old, I explained, "When the light from the Sun hits the moon and reflects back, we are able to see the light. It's the same as - when you look into a mirror and the light reflects back your image and you can see yourself." I was feeling proud for sounding intelligent.
The boy promptly replied, "Mrs. Jones, I do not glow like the moon in the mirror, so how does it glow?"
Well, he had me there and I managed to say, "That's the reason why your parents are sending you to school, so you can find out and tell me."
`````````````
My grandson Jim found a penny in the grass and proudly displayed it to me.
"What good is it?" I said, "You cant buy anything with it."
"Yes you can," Jim replied promptly. "You can buy a dream in a wishing well."
`````````````
Teacher to students: Tell me what does the Green dot on Britannia Tiger Biscuit packet mean?
One student : It means that the Tiger is online....
````````````
Mother: Why did you get such a low marks on that test?
Junior: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
```````````````
Dean, an electronics salesman, makes a sales call and a little kid answers the phone.
Dean: Hello, little fellow. Can I speak to your mother?
Little kid : She is not at home.
Dean: Well, is anyone else at home?
Little kid: Ya, my sis.
Dean: Okay. May I speak to her?
Little kid: All right.
There was a long silence. Then:
Little kid: Hello?
Dean: Oh, it’s you again. I thought you were going to call your sister.
Little kid: I tried but I can’t get her out of her playpen.
````````````````````````````
A physical instructor was giving practical demonstrations of various physical positions. He stood on his head and blood ran to his head making his face turn red. Later he asked: “When I turned upside down, blood ran to my face. Now tell me, why the same thing does not happen when I am on my feet?”
A back bencher replied: “Maybe because your feet are not empty?”
``````````````
Little Tommy was sitting on the toilet pot. His mother thought he was taking too long, so she went into the bathroom to check on him. Tommy was there sitting on the toilet seat reading a book. But every few seconds, he would put the book down, grab the toilet seat with one hand, and hit himself on top of the head with the other hand.
His mother found this strange and asked: "Tommy, are you okay? You've been in here for a while."
Little Tommy replied, "I'm fine, mom, I just haven't done my potty yet."
His mother said, "That's all right, sweety, you can stay here for some more time, but why do you keep hitting yourself on the head?"
Little Tommy replied: "Works for ketchup."
`````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I had a busy day Sunday, starting at 8:30, when I left Missy with the ladies across the street, and headed to the creek with Baby.
We walked all the way up one side for a half mile, and then all the way back and found nothing.......nada!
The creek is an absolute jungle now with the rain we've had, and the water was still too high to be able to see the bottom good.
Then I drove across the road, and walked the neighbors creek for a good while, and found nothing.......zero!
I left the creek at about 1:30, and headed back to Calera. I was starving by then, so I treated myself to lunch at sonic. Baby wouldn't pay, but I got her a beef patty anyway.
After I ate, I went to the car wash and spent an hour or more cleaning my truck inside and out. It was caked with mud in all the wheel wells. The inside was covered in dog hair and dirt. Two of the most prominent ingredients in my life now.
After I finished washing the truck I went home and went and picked up Missy.
Between running around at the sod farm, and the creek, Baby was a disaster area, so I gave her a bath, then thought I may as well give Missy a bath too, then thought I may as well give Pepper a bath too. WHEW! What a day!
Then I was hungry again, so I cooked and ate my dinner. After dinner I started doing exercises, and also started doing laundry. I did three loads of laundry, and put that stuff up, and then I took my shower. WaaaHoo!
That was Sunday........my day of rest.
I hope you all had a great Sunday, and a happy Monday.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, Ana and all. Joe I hope you get a rest day today! Ana wishing you a stress free day! Coffee and tea are ready!
I love when you wake to a new ailment! Hope your knee is better. 
Night Mag 