EDITH WHARTON
There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.
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Women have become much more sophisticated in the way they kill each other. Gone are the days when guns and knives were used to draw blood. These days, simple techniques like posting the latest holiday pics on FB and Whatsapp goes a long way!
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Ana says to Phil, "Where do we keep our money? Our son has a bad habit of stealing money where ever I keep it - in the locker or the wardrobe or the bags. I am really concerned"
Phil replies, "The safest place would be his study books. He will never look there."
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A lover's tale
I skip breakfast in the morning cos all I can think of is U.
I skip lunch in the afternoon cos all I can think of is U.
I skip my meal in the eve cos all I can think of is U.
I do not get sleep in the night cos I am HUNGRY!
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Albert prayed to God, "Oh Almighty! I have sinned. I want redemption. Please give me sorrow & pain, give me troubles, let me be haunted by spirits."
God boomed, "So you want a wife huh?"
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A drunk man fell on the road. Looking at his condition, Anderson, the policeman on duty commented, "Why do you drink so much?"
The drunk man replied, "Sir, I was helpless."
Anderson glared at him and said, "Oh really? And how is that?"
The drunk dude replied, "I had lost the cap of the bottle!"
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An aspirant who wanted to participate in a Daredevil event was asked by the selection committee, "Do you take part in any other dangerous events?"
Johnny, the aspirant, replied, "Why yes. I disagree with my wife on occasion."
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David was getting irritated standing outside the public phone booth. Losing his patience, he knocked on the door and said, "Hello there, you have been in there for more than 20 minutes and I have not seen you speak at all."
The guy inside the booth replied, "Dude I am speaking to the missus."
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Rob says to Lisa, "Will you continue to love me just as much even after we get married?"
Lisa replies, "Even more darling! I just adore married men!"
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President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of America !!!!"
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"
Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"
Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque"
Cashier: "Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States ?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"
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Some short office jokes to entertain you......
Laurel: How's your job at the watch company?
Hardy: Only time will tell.
Tom: How's your job at the banana company?
Jerry: I keep slipping up.
Santa: How's your job on the new highway?
Banta: I'm so busy I don't know which way to turn.
Turner: How's your job at the travel agency?
Hooch: I'm going nowhere.
Beavis: How's your job at the swivel chair company?
Butthead: It makes my head spin!
Calvin: How's your job at the lemon juice company?
Hobbes: I've had bitter jobs.
Garfield: How's your job at the pie company?
Odie: It didn't pan out.
Laurel: How's your job at the balloon factory?
Hardy: We can't keep up with inflation.
Tom: How's your job at the crystal ball company?
Jerry: I'm making a fortune.
Santa: How's your job at the history book company?
Banta: There's no future in it.
Turner: How's your job at the clock company?
Hooch: I'm having second thoughts about it.
Beavis: How's your job on the farm?
Butthead: Problems keep cropping up.
Calvin: How's your job at the sewing shop?
Hobbes: Hanging on by a thread.
Garfield: How's your job at the eye glasses clinic?
Odie: I have clear job objectives.
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I went to a car dealership in my locality, and noticed they had found a creative way to warn customers who defaulted payments. Their sign said:
"The greatest way to get back on your feet - miss a payment."
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Jenine, a curvy blonde enters into John's cabin and says to her boss, "John, I'm afraid I've bad news for you."
John staring at his secretary's curves, replies, "Sweetheart, why do you always have to give me bad news? Give me some good news for a change."
Jenine replies, "Well, if you insist, the good news is that you are not sterile....."
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Good morning everyboomie.
Happy Friday everyone.
Although I don't really have happy feet. I'd forgotten just how sore my feet can get on that concrete floor.
I need to get off of here and do some gaming, right now I can barely stay awake.
Ana I love Prey. It was such a mind blowing shooter when I first played it.
Not bad the next 100 times either.
I'n not buying any new games until I know they will play on Windows 10. I've got way too many great games that won't play on it already.
They had the nerve to ask me what I thought of Windows 10.
MaG I hope ya feel better soon.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
for the laughs Joe. 
Good Morning Joe, Space, Ana and everyone. Joe you should get some "gel" inserts to wear in your shoes. It might help prevent sore feet. Space enjoy your day. Ana what are you up to today? I've been a little under the weather for a while. I've been having pain in my jaw. It seems to be a tooth problem. Going to see a dental specialist next week. Coffee and tea are ready. Wishing you all a Happy Friday! 
