J. K. Rowling
It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.
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A man walked into a store.
The store owner asked him, "What do you want, Sir?'
The man replied, "I need optimism, toughness, the will to fight the evils of the world, the power to confront injustices."
The store owner replied, "Here you are sir, a bottle of premium whisky, and some chips to go with it."
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Leela saw her husband Arun step on the weighing machine, and she noticed he was trying to pull in his tummy.
She commented, "You know that's not going to do you any good."
Arun replied, "If course I need to do it. How else do you think I will be able to see the digits below?"
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Anita went to her mother's home for a couple of weeks to look after her ailing mother, leaving behind her three year old in the care of her mother-in-law.
The day she reached her mother's home, she received an sms from her mother-in-law which read: "Please return soon. Son sad without you"
Anita messaged back to her mother-in-law: "Whose son? Yours or mine?"
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Jose had a haircut at a new salon that had opened in the neighborhood. When he stepped out, he met his friend Pedro. Pedro asked him, "How is this new joint?"
Jose replied, "Well, the haircut was okay but I did not appreciate the 4-letter word that the barber kept repeating during the haircut."
Pedro, now intrigued, asked, "What was that?"
Jose replied, "OOPS!"
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As all married couples fight, there was this huge argument between Harold and Gina. Harold decided to give her the silent treatment and stopped talking altogether.
On the third day, Gina got fed up and said to her husband, "If you don't talk till the count of 10, I will consume poison."
She started counting, "1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8"
Harold was silent.
Gina said, "9!!"
Harold was still silent.
Gina screamed, "Please say something!" and then she started sobbing.
Harold said, "Finish the counting."
Gina said with a smile, "Thank God you spoke, or else I would have really consumed the poison."
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When Robbie returned from school, his grandad asked, "What did they teach you in school today?"
"I don't know" replied Robbie, "but the teacher kept talking about principles. I didn't understand one word."
Grandad said, "That's not difficult to understand. I will tell you what it is. Say, I buy stuff at the supermarket, and the cashier gives me more change by mistake, my predicament would be whether to keep it
for myself or follow my principles and give it to Grandma."
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Nathan gifted his son Johnny a guitar on his 16th birthday with vouchers for 5 free lessons.
When Johnny returned from his first lesson, Nathan asked him, "How did it go?"
Johnny replied, "I did learn a few notes on the G Major."
In the next week, after the second lesson, Johnny came home and said, "I did learn a few notes on the D string."
After a few days,Johnny came home very late smelling of alcohol and cigarettes.
So Nathan asked him, "What did you learn in today's lesson?"
Johnny replied, "I could not attend today's lesson. I had a gig!"
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After our hectic 4-day trip to Disneyland in Orlando, we were headed home. As we drove away, my son Neel sighed and said, "Goodbye Donald!"
My daughter Neha waved her hand and said, "Goodbye Daisy!"
I signed and said, "Goodbye money!"
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Dora had always been scared of technology and was never good with gadgets. She had a talent for mixing up instructions. Within a week of her marriage, her hubby bought her a brand new state-of-the-art automatic coffee maker.
The salesman explained in details how that thing worked. Plugging it in - setting the timer. He explained to her that she can go back to bed and when she wakes up, the coffee is ready for her.
A couple of days later, Dora went to visit the store. When the salesman asked her how was the coffee maker working, Dora replied, "Oh, it's great! But there's one thing that I wanted to ask you. Why do I have to go to sleep every time I want to make some coffee for my husband and me?”
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Anita is invited to her friend's place for dinner. Judy, the hostess, serves her a delicious dinner. Later, when Anita is ready to leave, it starts raining heavily. Judy invites her to stay over for the night and go home when the weather clears th next day. Anita agrees.
Anita settles down to watch TV while Judy goes up into the bedroom to help her kid go to sleep.
When Judy comes down, she finds Anita missing. While she was wondering where Anita had gone, the doorbell rings. Its Anita at the door. Judy asks her blonde friend where she had been. Anita replies, "I went home to get my nightie."
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I was seated on a park bench, when an old lady who came and sat next to me, smiled and said, "You are very pretty."
I must have had a disbelieving expression on my face, because she was quick to assure me that she had given a sincere compliment.
I tried to explain to her by saying, "It's just that I hardly ever get to hear pleasant comments about my looks."
The old lady smiled and said, "Just because you are plump does not mean you aren't pretty."
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When Peter went to see his doctor, he had a radish stuck in his left ear, a carrot in his right ear, and a lady finger stuck in each of the nostrils.
The doctor, visibly shocked asked him, "What is this?"
Pater replied, "Doctor, I am not feeling too well, can you tell me what's the problem with me?"
The doctor sighed and replied, "To begin with, you are not eating properly."
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The topic of the Sunday sermon was "FYF", short for Forgive Your Foes. Preacher James Asher, after having spoken on the subject for nearly an hour, asked the congregation, "So how many of you present here are prepared to forgive your foes?"
Some people raised their hands. Not happy with the poor response, Preacher James preached some more and then repeated the question to the gathering. This time, many more people raised their hands.
Still not satisfied, Preacher James prolonged his sermon a little more and repeated the question once again. Almost everyone raised their hands this time, except for a grumpy little old man.
Preacher James asked the little man, "Mr. Walker, are you still not ready to forgive your foes?"
Mr. Walker replied, "I ain't got any."
Preacher James said, "That's strange. How old are you?"
Mr. Walker replied, "I am eighty-eight."
Preacher James said, "Mr. Walker, please come here on the podium and tell the gathering how one can get to the age of eighty-eight without having any foes."
Mr. Walker walked up to where Preacher James was standing, and said to the crowd, "Didn't have to do anything. I just outlived them all."
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My friend Danny once got into the back of a cab.
The cab driver asked, "Where do you want to go?"
Danny replied, "I want to go to the Metro station, but I want to sit here for a couple of minutes first."
"Okay", said the cab driver with a shrug.
When the rain stopped after 10 minutes, Danny just got of the cab and said to the cabby, "Thanks for that, buddy!"
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Felix was not happy with his 12 year old daughter Tia, spending all her time on the landline phone. Because of her, nobody could use the house phone. So he bought her a mobile phone to keep her away from the house phone.
Next day, when he came back from work, he found Tia sprawled on the couch and gossiping on the house phone.
Angered, Felix shouted at her, "Why don't you use the mobile phone I bought you?"
"Oh I can't do that," Tia replied, "I'm expecting an important call on my cellphone."
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At the Gates of Heaven, all entrants were being checked to confirm their identity before they were let in.
The angel asked the first man in line, who was a tycoon from Chicago."What have you achieved in your life?"
The tycoon replied, "I made it big in the steel business. I didn't keep everything to myself. I distributed my money among my entire family, so the next 4 generations will not have to worry."
The angel invited him in.
He asked the next man in line about his achievements.
It was a stock broker from New York. He said, "I made millions at NYSE. But I was not selfish like the Chicago guy to keep all my wealth in the family. I donated a few millions to orphanages around the world."
"That's good" said the angel and invited him in.
The next man in line was trying not to make eye contact. When the angel asked him, he replied, "I made only seven thousand dollars in my whole life."
"Good Lord", said the angel. "Which instrument did you play?"
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Good morning everyboomie.
And good night.
I'm so sleepy.
Welcome to the weekend. I am off for 4 days now, but it looks like I work 5 in a row after that.
What's even more exciting than that, is that 2 of those days ar 5:00am days.
I was hoping to get a reminder of how much fun it is to get up at 3:30am.
I don't think I'll mind it. I'll be off at 12:00.
Working 5 days straight? Not so much.
We must discuss that before I cuss them.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone.It's going to be a hot day here today. We got into the 80s yesterday! Coffee and tea are ready.
we got snow ! how crazy is that ! 