HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW
It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
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Corporate language
'A challenging market' - a difficult market.
'A difficult market' - totally impossible.
'We see an up-turn later in the year' - it can't get any worse.
'We are working on improving our performance' - we've sacked the whole team.
'Left the company unexpectedly' - topped himself.
'Left to develop his career elsewhere' - we fired him.
'A well constructed and extremely versatile product' - no one understands it.
'Recent down-sizing of the sales force' - the buggers keep leaving.
'Doesn't suffer fools gladly' - complete idiot to work for.
'He has an active social life' - alcoholic
'A spectacular producer during the time he was with us' - now doing time at Wandsworth.
'Highly creative, with an endless supply of unorthodox ideas' -mad.
'Forthcoming changes in the regulatory environment' - Oh Christ, here we go again.
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The Manchester United players are in the dressing room getting ready for the match. Just before the game, Roy Keane walks in.
"Boss," he says, "There's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection."
"Hey," says David Beckham. "If he's getting a new car, so am I."
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James arrived at a popular restaurant and was dismayed to find it very crowded. Approaching the hostess James asked, 'Will it be long?'
The hostess, seemingly ignoring James, continued writing in her reservations book.
Thinking she had possibly not heard him the first time, James decided to ask again. 'How much time is the wait for a table?'
Looking up from her book, the hostess smiled and said, 'Oh, only about ten minutes. We will inform you when your table is ready.'
A short time later, James heard an announcement over the intercom system, 'Willette B. Long...... Willette B. Long, your table is ready.'
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One evening after office, I drove my secretary home since her car would not start. I decided not to bother my wife, Jane, so did not mention it to her.
Later that night, I was driving out with Jane to eat when the I noticed a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract my wife, I picked up the shoe and tossed it out of my window.
We arrived at the restaurant a short time later, and were about to get out of the car when Jane asked, 'John, have you seen my other shoe?'
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Bubba applied for a job and had to answer the following in the application form:
"List your high school and when you attended."
Bubba promptly replied : Central High, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
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Improvements in English
Authorities in Europe made an announcement - It was agreed that English be adopted as the preferred language for European communications, as opposed to German, which was the other choice.
There were fierce negotiations, in which The Queen's Govt admitted that English spelling needed improvement, and accepted a three-year phased plan called EurEnglish (Eurin for short). The details follow:
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c" ' Sertainly, sivil servants will be happy to reseive this news. Also, the hard "C" will be replased with "k", klearing up konfusion, and typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph " will be replased by "f" This will make words like 'fotograf' a lot shorter.
Very soon, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible, Governments will encourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in th languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
After that by the end of the second year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th " by "z", and "w" wiz "v".
During ze third year, ze unesesary "o" kan be droped from vords Containing "ou". and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl Zer vil be no mor trubls or diftkultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
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Joe, to his neighbor Tom: ‘Hey, can I borrow your lawnmower?’
Tom: ‘Sorry, she’s not home yet.’
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Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in.
Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."
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Forward me!!
Not all men are romantic.
My girlfriend, Renee, being the romantic sort, sent me the following messages on whatsapp when I was on a business trip to the north.
When you chuckle, forward me your smile.
When you are down, forward me your tears.
When you eat, forward me a bite.
When you drink, forward me a sip.
When you are asleep, forward me your dreams.
I didn't know what to reply to these thoughts.
So I messaged back, "I am in the washroom, sitting on the pot. What should I forward to you??"
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There were three legionnaires walking through the desert under a baking sun. They were fully equipped with enough water for days, and had food aplenty. On the shimmering horizon mirages came and went and came again, visions of swimming pools attended by dusky maidens, stalls full of ice-cream, sorbets, freshly-whipped smoothies of every conceivable flavour. But all to no avail, as the legionnaires did not crack, but kept marching solidly on. Suddenly one of them froze, "Psssst" said he. His companions halted, and strained their eyes to where the first legionnaire was pointing.
"Le voila", said he, "Regardez, mes amis, isn't zat a bacon tree on ze 'orizon?"
And sure enough, there it stood, proud and defiant in the middle of the desert, a true bacon tree. Slowly they crept forward towards the mystery object far off, inch by inch, centimetre by centimetre, until they were within a stone's throw of the bacon tree. Even nearer they crept, and suddenly, a shot rang out, dropping one of the legionnaires in his tracks.
The other legionnaires hit the ground as bullets thudded into the sand around them. The other two returned fire, and gave first aid to their wounded companion. Even as they bandaged him, and poured water over his face, they could hear his faint voice:
"Zat was no bacon tree," he gasped, "Zat was an 'ham bush."
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Peter had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that for years he called his wife, Sara, "Mother of Six," in spite of her regular objections.
One evening, in their retirement years, they go to a party. It is late and Peter is ready to go home and wants to find out if Sara is ready to leave as well.
Pater bellows at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home, Mother of Six?'
Sara, greatly irritated by Pater's lack of discretion over so many years, yells back at him, 'Anytime you're ready, "Father of Four".'
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Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one.
"Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by loose women all the way to America than
drink whisky!"
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"
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Good morning everyboomie.
Come on, up and at 'em. It's time for work.
Not ready.....not ready......not ready.....
Tuesday I went head hunting, looking for a new happy hunting ground. Well I didn't find a new hunting ground, but at the old happy hunting ground I found the nicest point that I've found there to date.
Plus I found 2 more points and a thumb scraper.
The sad part is that I forgot to take my sun screen, and I am scorched on my neck, my arms, and my ears.
At this point I don't know how many more times I'll be able to get out there this year.
I can't complain though. I've practically filled one case from what I've found there this year alone.
SO...Just because I'm working, it doesn't mean you can't have a nice day, so have a happy one.......everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, Ana, Midgie and everyone. Joe congrats on your finds! Ana enjoy your day. Midgie hope all goes well with your checkup. Happy to see you are back home Gail. Coffee and tea are ready. 
