MOHANDAS KARAMCHAND GANDHI
A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes.
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A little boy goes up to Old Tom the gardener and says, ‘What do you put on your rhubarb?’
‘Well, usually rotted horse manure,’ replies Old Ned.
‘We have custard.’ says the little boy.
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Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whiskey from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whiskey in my life!"
"Dinna worry, Minister," smiled Jock, pouring himself a dram. "There's no risk of you starting now!"
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Conswelo, a Mexican maid announced to her boss, Mrs. Blanco that she was quitting. When asked why, she replied, "I'm in the family way."
The wife was totally surprised and shocked, and asked who the father could be.
The maid replied, "Your husband and your son."
Mrs. Blanco was mortified and demanded an explanation.
"Well," Conswelo explained, "I go to the library to clean it and your husband say, 'You are in the way'. I go to the living room to clean and your son say 'You are in my way'. So I'm in the family way and I quit."
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Harry is so lazy, if you shot him he’d probably ask someone to help him to the floor.
Harry was so lazy, if he dropped something he wouldn’t pick it up again till his shoelaces needed tying.
Harry was so lazy he had his window box concreted over.
Harry works almost every day. He almost works on Monday, he almost works on Tuesday, he almost works on Wednesday.
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One friend: “My wife didn’t talk to me after I presented her with a diamond ring.”
Another friend: “Is that so? Your wife must be foolish.”
First friend: “It was a deal. She wouldn’t settle for a gold ring.”
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The manager of a garden centre overhears one of his nurseryman talking to a customer. ‘No, we haven’t had any of that in ages,’ says the nurseryman. ‘And I don’t know when we’ll be getting any more.’
The customer leaves and the manager walks over to give him a telling off. ‘Never tell a customer we can’t get them something,’ he says. ‘Whatever they want we can always get it on order and deliver it. D’you understand?’
The nurseryman nods.
‘So what did he want?’ asks the manager.
‘Rain,’ replies the nurseryman.
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Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."
"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her u are the only child?"
"She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"
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One lady to a salesman in a shop: “I want to select a shirt for my husband, can you help me?”
Salesman: “Sure madam, it is my pleasure. What would be the size of your husband?”
Lady: “Err….. about size, I don’t know. But his neck fits perfectly in my hands.”
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A man who was doing a research on different kinds of books and their effects on people, asked a lady: “Madam, tell me, which is the book that has a positive effect on your life?”
Lady: “My husband’s check book.”
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A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's about time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
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Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"
The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!"
The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
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A husband and wife are standing at the window admiring their garden.
‘Sooner or later you’re going to have to make a proper scarecrow to keep the birds off the flower beds,’ says the wife.
‘What’s wrong with the one we’ve got?’ asks the husband.
‘Nothing, replies the wife. ‘But Mother’s arms are getting tired.’
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Good morning everyboomie.
I wonder how much vacation time I have by now.
I've been working a whole week........and I'm wholly weak.
Can you believe I'll be up at 3:30am and at work by 5:00 the next two days?
I'll bet you never thought I'd be doing that again.
So did I.
Must be something I ate.
It's affecting the balance of my mental thoughts.
Not my physical ones.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, Ana, Space, Mary and all. Joe don't work to hard you're retired! Space enjoy your day. Ana what are you up to today? Mary it's so nice to see you in the diner! I hope you feel better. Wishing you sunshine on your trip to the coast. Take care. 
