OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES, JR.
Man’s mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.
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Judge to the accused: “You have been accused of imprisoning, threatening, intimidating and treating your wife as your slave. Is it true?”
Accused: “Your honor......I,..I......”
Judge: “I don’t want any explanations. Just tell me how you achieved this feat.”
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Our young son made up his mind one day that he needed to eat healthier breakfasts, so he chose oatmeal as his cereal of choice.
But after eating his first bowl, he told his mother, "I hope I develop a taste for this stuff. It goes down real rough."
"Well," his mother asked, "Just how long did you cook it?"
"Are you supposed to cook it?" he asked.
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George rushed to the hotel manager’s cabin and shouted, “Help me, my wife is trying to jump from the fifth floor.”
The Manager replies: “It is your personal problem, sir. What can I do in this matter?”
George bursts out, “Right, but the window is jammed!"
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While leaving her father’s house immediately after marriage, Tina was crying herself hoarse. Her father too could not control himself and was weeping loudly. Finally somebody separated them and led Tina to the groom’s car.
On an impulse Tina turned around, ran to her father and gave him something from her purse.
Immediately her father’s face brightened and there was a smile on his face.
Later Tina’s mother asked him: “What did she give you to make you so happy?”
Father: “My ATM card.”
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A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked, "Why, John, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is," John replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded John.
"Well," mused Pat, "In this life there's always a lesson somewhere."
"That there is," replied John.
"It is wise never to book a judge by his cover."
"ouch!"
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Actual answers given on Family Feud
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
Something you open other than a door - Your bowels
A food that can be brown or white - Potato
A jacket potato topping - Jam
A famous Scotsman - Jock
Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
Something with a hole in it - Window
A non living object with legs - Plant
A domestic animal - Leopard
A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
A way of cooking fish - Cod
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings
Something you might be allergic to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Something associated with the police - Pigs
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something slippery - A conman
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something Red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
A number you have to memorize - 7
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Something in the garden that's green - Shed
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Silly Warnings
1) 'Do not iron while wearing shirt'
2) Warning label on a letter opener that says: 'Caution: Safety goggles recommended.'
3) Fuel Tank Cap: 'Never use a lit match or open flame to check the fuel level'
4) A cartridge for a laser printer warns, 'Do not eat toner'
5) A label on a hair dryer reads: 'Never use hair dryer while sleeping'
6) A warning on an electric drill made for carpenters cautions: 'This product not intended for use as a dental drill.'
7) On a child's buggy: 'Remove Child Before Folding'
8) A label on a baby-stroller featuring a small storage pouch that warns: 'Do not put child in bag.'
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Good morning everyboomie.
One 3:30 wake-up down, one to go.
I guess I asked for a reminder of how old I am, or more specifically, how old my joints are.
All of the exercising I've been doing for the last 10 months, the improved diet, and all that seem to make no difference at all.
I had a cheeseburger today though, and it was really good!
Just the same though, after work today I came home and took the dogs to the park, came back and ate dinner, and then exercised for an hour.
I still have some deluded romantic notion that I can attain a 'woman killing hunk' status before I kill myself from exhaustion.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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Good Morning all Coffee and tea are ready. Have a great day everyone! 
