CYRIL NORTHCOTE PARKINSON
Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
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Newly married Tina had committed a blunder in her husband’s absence. As soon as the man returned from work, she blurted; “Here I was ironing your finest suit and burnt this hole in the seat of your trousers.”
The husband, large hearted that he was, said; “I have another pair of trousers that matches that suit, so do not worry.”
Tina: ” Thank God for that, because I was able to patch up the hole using those trousers.”
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There is a secret to a Happy Marriage. You need to follow the below checklist:
Firstly, you need to find a woman who cooks and cleans
Secondly, you need to find a woman who earns well
Thirdly, you need to find a woman who enjoys great love making.
Finally, it is important that these three women should never meet.
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There was a sandwich machine in a Norwegian factory. Olaf didn't quite understand what the machine was about though. He went to the machine and put his money in the machine and got one sandwich. He was so excited, he put more of his money into the machine and received another sandwich. Finally he had a huge pile of sandwiches.
Another worker was wondering what Olaf was doing:
"Olaf, don't you think you should stop now?"
"What the hell are you babbling about?! I am just starting to win big!"
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Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough andturns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.
The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'
They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'
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Having awarded a divorce to Dorothy who had charged non-support, the Judge said to John, "I have decided to give your wife $500 a month for support."
"That's fine", said John, "And once in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."
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A nun is walking down the street , when a priest stops her to ask, "Can I walk you to the Convent?"
The Nun replies, "Ok, Just this time."
On reaching the Convent, he asks her, "Can I kiss you?"
She says, "Ok, fine with me, but do not get into the habit."
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I wanted to buy some flowers for my wife, so I went to the florist shop. As the shopkeeper was preparing a bouquet of Red roses for me, a guy barged in and asked for a dozen red roses.
The shopkeeper, pointing at me, replied to him that the last bunch of roses was already sold. Looking at me, this guy pleaded desperately, "Can you PLEASE give me those roses?"
I asked the man, "What's wrong? Did you forget your Wedding Anniversary?"
"Even worse", he admitted", "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"
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Today, everyone is a victim of what we call the Internet lifestyle. Given below is a list of things for you to do when your computer crashes.
1. You can dial 911 instantly.
2. Pull open the curtains to observe if there have been any changes in the last 2 years.
3. Do you mean there is actually something else to do?
4. You can threaten your server with an impeachment vote.
5. You can Work for a change.
6. Introduce yourself again to your immediate family.
7. Consider that kidney transplant you've been putting off for so long.
8. Check out if your eyes can focus on objects further than 4 feet.
9. Get your chair fixed at a store near you for butt groove.
10. Look for Tylenol!
11. You can do some shopping with your clothes on.
12. You can check your snail mail box every 10 minutes.
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Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but are real easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along. The one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now, men.... Men are like a fine wine.
They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
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Funny French Humor
1. The firm Hunt-Wesson introduced its "Big John" products in French Canada as "Gros Jos" before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big bosoms". Apparently the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales of their product.
2. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious pornographic magazine.
3. Seen in a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
4. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
5. In a Chambres d'Htes in Brittany, France: "The genuine antics in your room come from our family castle. Long life to it." and "Please avoid coca watering, cream cleaning, wet towels wrapping, and ironing drying."
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Good morning everyboomie.
Say happy trails to Tuesday, Hump Day is here, happy or not.
Tuesday's happy trails lead me to a few more points and scrapers.
Alas it's getting hotter by the day now, and the only day below the 80s in the next 6 months is Friday, and I'm working Friday.
On the bright side......
....they're all sunny and hot.
Not a fan of sunny and hot.
I guess I'll need to buy an umbrella, and learn how to dig with one hand.
Have a happy day everyone.
L4L I forgot to welcome you back. It's good to see you in the diner again.
Gail I hope you're feeling well.
joe
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Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Thanks for the funnies Joe. It's cold here to Ana. Coffee and tea are ready. Wishing you all a happy day! 
