OSCAR WILDE
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
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There are many "pinot" wines on the market these days: Pinot Noir, Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio are but a few.
There is also marketing research on a product for senior citizens from a new hybrid grape that acts as a diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.
They will be marketing the new wine as .... Pinot More.
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Pregnancy Dictionary
Afterbirth:
When the hard part begins.
Cravings:
An excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy.
Dilation:
One of those things a pregnant woman has to take her doctor's word for.
Elastiphobia:
Fear of making it into the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Stretch Marks."
First Trimester:
The first three months of pregnancy when you wonder, "Is it too late to hire a surrogate mother?"
Maternity Clothes:
What a pregnant woman wears to show people there's a reason she's fat.
Miracle:
1. The birth of a baby.
2. The fact that you lived to tell about it.
Obstetrician:
The doctor who tells you you're doing fine when you think you're caught in the jaws of death.
Pregnant Pause:
The amount of time it takes for a nine-month pregnant woman to get out of a chair.
Prenatal:
When your life was still your own.
Pushing:
The final effort to get a ten-pound baby through an opening the size of a dime.
Second Trimester:
The time when you ask the question, "Will my husband notice if I eat this gallon of ice cream and side of beef before he gets home?"
Third Trimester:
The final months of pregnancy when you wonder, "How much longer can I keep from waddling?"
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My daughter Lili was five when she received a foam CD holder with plastic sleeves for all her music CDs. I explained to her that CDs are sensitive to light and heat, so she should not leave the holder in the sun.
During our home addition, the electrician was working in the backyard and Lili had gone to play in the sandbox, leaving her new CD holder on the patio table. My wife saw it and told Lili she was going to put it in the house.
Lili stood up in the sandbox and said, "Mommy, make sure you put it where the sun doesn't shine!"
The electrician had to take a break.
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President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of America !!!!"
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"
Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"
Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque"
Cashier: "Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States ?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"
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There was this man who won a contest and got one free ticket to the Baseball World Series final. He was so happy, but when he got to the stadium and found his seat he was somewhat disappointed. His ticket was for the last row, and it was way up there. He couldn't see the game, so he began looking around.
Close to the field he saw an empty seat, so he decided to go down there. He reached the seat and asked the man next to the unoccupied seat if anyone was seating there.
The man replied, 'No.' So the guy sat down and struck up a conversation.
'Who would have a seat right next to the field and not come?!?'
The man answers, 'Oh, that was my wife's seat.'
'Where is she?' the guy replied.
'She died.'
'Oh, I'm sorry ... don't you have anyone else to come with you, a brother, or friend?'
'No, they couldn't come.'
'Why?'
'Because they are at the funeral.'
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Every time, Peter, the man next door headed toward Paul's house, Paul knew he was coming to borrow something, he was always doing so and it was driving him nuts.
"Peter won't get away with it this time," muttered Paul to Liz, his wife, "Watch this."
"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your hedge trimmer this morning?" asked Paul the neighbour.
"Crikey, I'm terribly sorry," said Paul with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."
"In that case," smiled Peter, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?
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Archie, a successful business man becomes fed up with all the stress of big city life and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and buys a large ranch in the middle of the outback, just north of Barossa Valley in South Australia.
After a couple of months of enjoying the quietness and solitude he hears the drumming of hoofs outside his home. Seizing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse, "G’day neighbour, hold it right there.”
The rider says, "I'm your neighbour, I have a ranch only 20 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting..… we'll have a great time."
Not wanting to be unfriendly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks, "How should I dress?"
"Blimey, mate, it don't matter," replied the neighbour, "There’s only gonna be the two of us."
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Good morning everyboomie.
Over the hump, and land with a thump
Then find a nice girl and smack her on the rump.
That's an old sailor's poem.
Old sailors are known for crude humor.
I'm an old sailor.
Here's another: There once was a sailor from Nantucket, who carried his lunch in a bucket.....
I forget the rest.....
We had a cloudy, windy, cooler Wednesday, and I should have been out digging for arrowheads.
Instead I was exhausted from digging all day in the hot sun.
I kinda blew off the morning, and then went for groceries in the afternoon, and then mowed the lawn.
After that I made spaghetti for dinner, and then I exercised.
Have a happy thumping Thursday everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
That's a good one Ana. 
Good Morning Joe, Space, Ana and all. Coffee and tea are ready. 
He is buff colored and about 5 weeks old. He was rescued from a trailer park. Danish, BB Pancakes, Eggs, Grits and Hash Browns in the NC. 
