PHYLLIS DILLER
I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good book. Or a friend who’s read one.
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In an army training camp, the drill sergeant made his morning announcement to the fresh recruits: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news to share with you. First, the good news- Private Brian will be setting the pace on our morning run.”
Hearing this, the platoon cheered, as Private Brian was overweight and very slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Brian will be driving a truck."
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Three cobblers arrived in a town to try their luck and opened shop in the same lane.
John, the first cobbler, put a notice outside his door, “The best cobbler in the city”.
Not to be outdone, the second cobbler, Danny, hung a bigger notice that said,“The best cobbler in the world.”
The third cobbler, Michael, was wondering what to do and how to beat the best cobbler in the city and the best cobbler in the world.
An idea struck him. The next morning, he found quite a few customers waiting when he opened his shop. The notice on his door simply said, “The best cobbler in the lane.”
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A firecracker factory is rocked by a huge explosion, and several people are injured. The injured are taken to the hospital, but not everyone survives.
An inquiry begins and several survivors are approached to make statements.
One such survivor, Sven, is asked by the investigator, "You were close to where the explosion happened, right? Tell me about it."
Sven replied, "Well, old Felix was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
The investigator is shocked. He says, "You sure he was smoking in the mixing room? How long had he been working for the company?"
Sven replied, "Yes. About 25 years, sir"
The investigator says, "He works 25 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought that would have been the last thing would have ever have done."
"It was, sir."
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A philosopher once had the following dream.
First Aristotle appeared, and the philosopher said to him, "Could you give me a fifteen-minute capsule sketch of your entire philosophy?" To the philosopher's surprise, Aristotle gave him an excellent exposition in which he compressed an enormous amount of material into a mere fifteen minutes. But then the philosopher raised a certain objection which Aristotle couldn't answer. Confounded, Aristotle disappeared.
Then Plato appeared. The same thing happened again, and the philosophers' objection to Plato was the same as his objection to Aristotle. Plato also couldn't answer it and disappeared.
Then all the famous philosophers of history appeared one-by-one and our philosopher refuted every one with the same objection.
After the last philosopher vanished, our philosopher said to himself, "I know I'm asleep and dreaming all this. Yet I've found a universal refutation for all philosophical systems! Tomorrow when I wake up, I will probably have forgotten it, and the world will really miss something!" With an iron effort, the philosopher forced himself to wake up, rush over to his desk, and write down his universal refutation. Then he jumped back into bed with a sigh of relief.
The next morning when he awoke, he went over to the desk to see what he had written. It was, "That's what you say."
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Gary asks his neighbor, "What should I do while my wife is renovating the house?"
The neighbor answers, "Keep yourself busy. If you are able to work with tools, you can complete the basement. When you're done, you'll at least have a place to live."
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Adam, a Jewish rabbi was good friends with Daniel, a Catholic priest. They spent many a afternoon in the park, watching the ducks play in the pond. On one such outing, Daniel was eating a ham sandwich.
"You know," he said to his Jewish friend, "there's nothing as tasty as a ham sandwich. I know you're not allowed to eat ham, but why are you denying yourself this delicious treat. When will you free your mind and try it?"
Adam, the rabbi simply replied, "At your engagement."
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Sita's funeral was attended by family and a number of friends. When the funeral service ended, the pallbearers carried the coffin out. They accidentally banged the coffin into a wall and heard a faint moan coming from within the coffin. They opened the coffin and lo and behold, Sita was alive!
Eleven years later, Sita actually dies. The service is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony, the pallbearers again lift the casket.
As they are taking a bend, Joe, the husband yells, "Mind the wall!"
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Sam, an American student, had not prepared for his Economics exam and was not expecting to do too well.
Sam read the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat does the United States export?
Regaining some of his confidence, Sam wrote, "In 1492, none."
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The Dennis community orchestra in Ohio was beleaguered by attendance problems. There were many musicians who remained absent at rehearsals. All players in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one sincere violin player.
Finally, as the dress rehearsal came to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank Jack, the violinist for his faithful attendance. Jack, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the final performance."
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Good morning everyboomie.
I'm glad the weekend is over. I was getting tired of working.
No wait. I have to work today too.
I read that if you want to take control of your life, and put a positive spin on things, don't use the phrase
'I have to'. Use
'I will' or
'I want to' or
'I'm going to'.
I'm going to take Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday off.
I feel better already.
It's great to feel in control of your life you know.
Especially when I'm driving my truck.
Don't want to lose my license.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Maybe I should apply it to my insane work week coming up. 
I think I would like a robot to take over my job, as long as I still got paid for it. 
Good Morning Joe, venus, Ana and everyone. Coffee and tea are ready. 
looney.
