CAROL BURNETT
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
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A successful entrepreneur won a business award in the IT field and was asked by a reporter as to how he managed to motivate his workers to come to office on time.
The entrepreneur replied, "Oh, that' easy. I have 45 people working for me but only 44 parking lots without pay. I charge for the last lot.
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The Judge charged Peter with rape and pronounced in the court, "You are to undergo ten years of rigorous imprisonment and you are charged with a fine of $10,608 dollars."
Peter asked, "I did not understand the odd figure of $10,608 dollars."
The Judge replied, "10000 dollars for rape, 4% for local taxes and 2% entertainment tax."
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Justin was caught red-handed misappropriating funds of the organization he worked for. So he ran to his lawyer who assured him by saying, "Relax Justin. You will never go to prison with all that wealth!"
The lawyer was right. Actually when Justin was put behind bars, he did not have a penny on him!
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Mr. Jones says angrily to his secretary Mary, "You are late at work twice this week! What is the meaning of this?"
Mary replies, "Unfortunately it means three more work days until the weekend."
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The Admin Head of a large organization called for the new employee to see him in his office.
Once the new employee was seated, the Admin Head asked, "What's your name?"
The new employee replied, "Jonathan."
The Admin Head snapped, "Listen, I have no idea what kind of a place you worked at before, but out here, I call everyone here by their surnames. If I start calling people by their first names, they would start taking things lightly. So, its Smith, Williams, Brown - that's it. Now that I have made myself clear, tell me your last name."
The new employee said, "My last name is Honey."
The Admin Head said, "Umm, Okay Jonathan, I will arrange for an orientation and then...."
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My boss, Mr. Somel was upset with me for coming late to work.
He shouted at me saying, "You should have been here at 9 am."
I replied, "Why? What happened at 9?"
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The Tata group of companies decided to invite bids for their new Power generation plant. They called for bidders, and three companies decided to bid.
At the meeting, the Project Head of the Tata group asked the first bidder to quote his price.
The CEO of the first company who had done his MBA from Symbiosis said, "5 million. 3 mil for material and 2 mil for labor."
The Project Head then asked the CEO of the second company to present his bid.
The CEO of the second company who had done his MBA from NMIMS said, "10 million. 4 mil for material, 3 mil for labor, and another 3 for variable expenses."
The Project Head then asked the CEO of the third company to present his bid.
The CEO of the third company who was a product of IIM said, "15 million."
The project Head yelled, "15 million!!! What is the breakdown of costs?"
The CEO of the third company replied, "5 million for you. 5 for me. And 5 mil to get the fellow from Symbiosis to do the project."
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Gabriel was a late-comer. He would always be late to work and had been reprimanded many times by his boss, Mr. Ambrose. The problem with Gabriel was that he just could not get himself to leave the bed in the morning. When he was late once again during the busy last week of the month, Mr. Ambrose gave him a final warning, "One more time you are late, and you are permanently out of here."
Gabriel went to see a doctor and narrated his predicament. The doctor gave him a few medicines and asked him to take it after meals.
Gabriel felt relaxed and got up early in the morning. He had a hearty breakfast and made it to his office before time.
The moment he saw Mr. Ambrose walk in, Gabriel said, "Well Mr. Ambrose, I will not give you a reason to get upset again. I feel fresh as a Daisy!"
"That's okay" said Mr. Ambrose, "But why weren't you here yesterday?"
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The Admin and HR head in my organization pulled a fast one on all employees during the lunch break on the last day of the financial year. He announced, "Everyone pay attention, we are going to pay a little game. Your increment will depend on whether you play this game successfully."
He continued, "I will announce the name of a fruit, and as soon as you hear it, you all have to move to the left side of the hall. If i announce the name of a colour, everyone has to move to the right side of the hall. Anyone who moves in the wrong direction misses his or her pay hike this year.Clear to everyone?"
Everybody nodded in the affirmative.
The Admin and HR head then announced, "Okay...ready? ORANGE!!"
Loud noises from the hall, "WHAT THE.....?!"
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When Antonio learnt about his wife, Mary's having an extra-marital affair, he availed the services of a private detective to get proof. The private detective followed Mary and gathered enough evidence about her affair with a banker.
Antonio was convinced that he could still save his marriage if he could get the banker out of the way.
Being a man of the 21st century, he decided to handle the matter in a professional and refined manner. So he sent a mail to Mary's banker boyfriend. It read:
Sir
It has been brought to my notice that you are dating my wife.
In order to settle this matter amicably and in a civilized manner, I propose that you come and visit me at my office at 5 pm on Thursday evening.
Rgds
The banker was amused to get a formal letter in such a case. So, he mailed the following reply:
Sir
I acknowledge receipt of your group mail. I hereby confirm my attendance at the seminar in your office lecture hall.
Rgds
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Good morning everyboomie.
My very best regards to you all on this beautiful Thursday morning.
This being my last day off for another 3 days, I'd best find a good way to spend it.
We got our thunderstorm last night at about 4:00am. I got up early and it was cloudy and wet, which turned to sunny and windy soon after.
I decided to run up to a location North of here that I've been waiting to go look for points. Since he finally plowed the field, and we got some rain, it was a good time to check it out. It's next to the Blue river, and they have found points there before they say, but I found nothing.
I was back home before 12:00, got on my lawn mower, and mowed the yard, and then came in and fixed my lunch.
After a long nap, I did some exercising.
No movie.
Maybe tomorrow............I mean today.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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