MARK TWAIN
A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
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What happens when Twitter is down?
Becky calls Kathy and speaks to answering machine:
Hey Kathy, Twitter is down this morning, when you get this message please call me, I can't wait to know what you had for breakfast! Thanks.
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The showers in Sara's dorm turned scalding hot whenever a toilet was flushed. To warn others, residents would yell out, "Flushing!" each time they flushed the toilets.
During one of Sara's visits home, a friend of her mother stopped by to chat for a while. Sara's mother was telling her friend how Sara was acting more distant now that she was in college, and that Sara didn't tell her all about her life the way she used to.
Suddenly, out of habit, Sara called out from the bathroom, "Flushing!"
"Good grief," said the friend. "How much more do you want to know?"
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Naomi took her child into a Child care hospital for a routine check-up with a pediatrician. On the records, the nurse noticed that the child's first name was Urine (pronounced Urin-ie). Not wanting to be rude, but curious to know why this woman had given her child such a weird name, the nurse asked the mother how Urine got her name.
Naomi explained, "Well, my baby was born prematurely and had to stay in the special nursery. She was very sick and they were not sure if she would survive. I couldn't decide what name to give her, but the nurses said they would pray for her. One day I came in and the nurses had already named her. There was this paper on her incubator that said 'Please save Urine', so I knew what they had named my baby."
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A proton and a neutron were taking a walk down the road.
The proton said, "Wait a minute, I think I dropped an electron. Can you help me find it."
The neutron said, "Are you sure?"
The proton replied "Of course, I am positive."
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There was this Indian who went to the jungle to hunt an elephant but had to give up mid-way as he developed hernia from carrying the decoy.
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My brother, John, and his wife, Rebecca, had just finished tucking their children into bed when they heard crying sounds coming from the kids' room. They rushed into the room and found little Suzie crying hysterically.
She had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and believed she was going to die. No amount of convincing would console her. Trying to calm her, John took out a 5p coin that he had in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Suzie's ear. Suzie was delighted beyond words and in a flash, snatched the coin from her father's hand, swallowed it and insisted cheerfully - 'Do it again, Dad!'
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The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
The French and Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
Conclusion:
Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
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A lady standing in the middle of a busy street asked a traffic constable: “Can you guide me how to go to the city hospital?”
Constable: “Lady, just keep standing here and you will be there in no time.”
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Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.
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What did the alien's mother say to the alien?
Where on earth have you been!
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Good morning everyboomie.
Well I don't know what happened there. I was busy posting jokes and I looked up, and I had somehow hit 'post', before I was ready.
I hope you're all having a great weekend so far. Today an ill wind brought us much higher temperatures. We hit 96 degrees today, but I spoke to a lady in Tempe Az who told me it was 106 there, so it can always be worse.
I've been nursing on Baby for the last two days and she's already showing improvement.
She's actually eating better than I am. I want her to gain weight, so she's eating steak while I am eating tuna fish.
This morning I took them to the park, and Baby still lags way behind the other two. I keep having to call them back.
It was already getting hot, and I had already mowed the lawn, so I cut the walk short, and spent the rest of the day inside where it's cool.
I don't have much going on Saturday, except that Hughe's Net is coming to install internet for me, and I am dumping DISH.
At least Hughe's Net offers packages with either 10, 20, 30, or 50 gigs of data.
DISH offers 10 gigs......that's it.
I'm upping my data to 20 gigs to see how that works. It won't cost me much more per month.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
), so it will just be a quick post before I go to sleep. The good news is my Windows 7 software arrived early, so I should be able to get my new computer set up fairly soon. 
I just need a day off, though it probably won't happen Monday - too crazy and hectic. 
