WILLIAM ARTHUR WARD
If you can imagine it, you can achieve it. If you can dream it, you can become it.
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A snail is crossing the road. As he’s about to get to the other side a turtle runs him over. The paramedics transport the unconscious snail to hospital. The doctors work to revive the snail and, when he awakens, the doctor asks him what happened.
The snail replies, ‘I don’t know, it all happened so fast!’
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Harry is so lazy, if you shot him he’d probably ask someone to help him to the floor.
Harry was so lazy, if he dropped something he wouldn’t pick it up again till his shoelaces needed tying.
Harry was so lazy he had his window box concreted over.
Harry works almost every day. He almost works on Monday, he almost works on Tuesday, he almost works on Wednesday.
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Boy to father: ‘What does “procrastinate” mean?’
Father: ‘I’ll tell you later.'
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Did you hear about the successful bonsai tree grower?
He got so good he ended up looking for a house with a smaller garden.
I love popsicles.
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Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey is well ahead of the field. Suddenly he’s hit on the head by a salmon sandwich and a pork pie. He manages to keep control of his mount and pulls back into the lead, only to be struck by a tin of caviar and a dozen Scotch eggs. With great skill he manages to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the final furlong, he’s struck on the head by a bottle of Chardonnay and a Bakewell tart. Thus distracted, he only manages second place. Furious he immediately goes to the stewards to complain that he’s been seriously hampered.
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A Native American takes a trip to New York. He gets lost and asks a traffic cop for directions. The cop points him the way then says, ‘And how are you enjoying our fine city?’
The Native American says, ‘It’s great. And how are you enjoying our fine country?’
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A small boy is helping his grandfather dig up potatoes.
‘What I want to know,’ he says, ‘is why you buried them in the first place.’
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A little old man was escorted into the witness box. He was sworn in and asked by the lawyer to explain what happened. After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident he finally got around to the meat of the case: ‘And then she hit me with a maple leaf.’
‘A maple leaf? Surely that couldn’t have caused you any serious injury,’ said the lawyer.
‘Are you kidding?’ exclaimed the old man. ‘It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table.’
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A man traveling through Arizona stops at a small town and goes into a bar. He stands at the end of the bar and lights up a cigar. As he sips his drink, he stands there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he’s blown nine or ten smoke rings, an angry Indian comes up to him and says, ‘Listen, buddy, if you don’t stop calling me names, I’ll smash your face in!’
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A woman comes home from psychic fair with a crystal ball she’s just bought.
‘How much was that?’ asks her husband.
‘Thirty pounds,’ answers the woman.
‘Thirty!’ says the husband. ‘They must have seen you coming.’
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Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler
* Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
* Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
* Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
*Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
*No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
* Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Yes MaG I love eating popsicles, especially this time of year......and the rest of the year,
I've cut way back now though because of the sweetener.
I have to watch my girlish figure.
I'm a 7.
So I got my new internet provider hooked up today. I think it shall be a great deal better.
Yeah yeah, we'll just see about that, said the cynic.
I think it will though.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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