BRUCE SMIRNOFF
Women claim that what they look for in a man is a sense of humor, but I don’t believe it. Who do you want removing your bra–Tom Cruise or the Three Stooges?
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James was walking down the street when he met a small boy. James asked his name.
The lad replied, "Six and seven-eighths."
James looked puzzled and asked him why his parents had given him such a strange name, and the youngster replied, "Oh, they just picked it out of a hat."
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Our young son made up his mind one day that he needed to eat healthier breakfasts, so he chose oatmeal as his cereal of choice.
But after eating his first bowl, he told his mother, "I hope I develop a taste for this stuff. It goes down real rough."
"Well," his mother asked, "Just how long did you cook it?"
"You're supposed to cook it?" he asked.
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From an Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft..."
From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
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Serena and her friend Tina got on the bus. Both around seventeen, Tina was a little too plump for her age. Their journey was long and tedious. They saw a young, fat and dumb looking man sitting awkwardly a few seats ahead and decided to make fun of him. They went near his seat and stood there holding the bar for support. The man, out of sheer courtesy, tried to get up to offer his seat to Tina.
Tina says,“No, no sir, please be seated. Does not look nice when an old man stands up for a young girl to sit.”
The young man retorts, “True and well said, my child. But you see it is not proper for an old man to sit when a pregnant woman stands beside him.”
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While leaving her father’s house immediately after marriage, Tina was crying herself hoarse. Her father too could not control himself and was weeping loudly. Finally somebody separated them and led Tina to the groom’s car.
On an impulse Tina turned around, ran to her father and gave him something from her purse.
Immediately her father’s face brightened and there was a smile on his face.
Later Tina’s mother asked him: “What did she give you to make you so happy?”
Father: “My ATM card.”
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Jack:"There is something I can do that nobody else in my school can do. Not even teachers!"
Rob: "What's that?"
Jack: "Read my handwriting"
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A young elephant and young mouse came across each other for the first time:
Mouse: "What are you?"
Elephant: " I'm an elephant"
Mouse: "Aren't you big"
Elephant: " Yes. What are you?
Mouse: " I'm a mouse"
Elephant: " Aren't you small?"
Mouse: " I, I, I've not been well"
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1) How do you describe an angry potato?
Boiling Mad.
2) Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?
Because he was a commontater.
3) Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
He desperately wanted a scoop.
4) What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?
Anything, just butter him up.
5) What does an American potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?
It's mashing!
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Good morning everyboomie.
Boy howdy, we had storms all night, and between those, and my dogs ducking under the covers, and goosing me with cold noses, and my bladder that kept asking, "Please may I go?"......I slept about like a hungry baby in a cold room with a wet diaper.
Then after 7 hours of running today at Lowe's Romper Room, my feet are demanding that I leave them at home the next time.
I am now sitting in front of my TV watching my favorite 'comfort show' MASH.....
......because I can't see it while sitting behind my TV.
Anyway the point I'm trying to make is Golly Gee Willikers, I'd Rather Be Watching It In Bed.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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witter
Joe! I love your description on how you slept! I've had nights like that! 
Luckily, I finally have a day off, and I'm going to stay in and game. I need a day where I can relax and not go anywhere, especially since this coming week is going to be hectic. 
I'm going to to the Eagles later with a friend. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, and French Toast in the NC. 
Where were you hiking?