GEORGE BURNS
Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65 I still had pimples.
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I didn't enlist in the Army - I was drafted.
So I wasn't going to make life easy for anyone.
During my physical, the doctor asked softly, "Can you read the letters on the wall?"
"What letters?" I answered slyly.
"Good," said the doctor. "You passed the hearing test."
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An old woman went to see her doctor about her constipation problem.
"It's horrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Yes, doctor," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a 20 minutes in the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."
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One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to secure a building, they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
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Bobby’s five year old received a water gun from his grandfather. The kid was mighty pleased and instantly ran to the tap to fill it up. Bobby was a little anxious.
Bobby: “Dad, I wonder what made you buy that gift, don’t you remember how I used to harass you and drive you crazy?”
Dad (with a twinkle in his eyes): “Sure, I do. I do.”
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Some light hearted humor related to France
1. An old saying: Raise your right hand if you like the French. Raise both hands if you are French.
2. How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.
3. I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.
- General George S. Patton
4. Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.
- Norman Scwartzkopf
5. Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.
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Benny Shapiro worked at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. He used to tell his friends that he was the curator, although his primary job was to keep the exhibits clean and polished.
One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Lo and behold, an enormous Genie appeared before him.
"Master," the Genie began, "I am the Genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you -- you must never shave or cut your beard for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to take my place inside the urn forever."
Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny wished for 49% of the total Microsoft stock which was promptly granted. Then he wished for the most beautiful woman in the world as his wife and lo and behold she was. Finally, he wished for fame and fortune and he instantly became a worldwide celebrity.
Over the years, Benny's beard became longer and longer until it almost reached the floor. As it grew longer, it began to itch. He tried to ignore it, but the itch became more and more irritating - while the memory of the Genie's warning faded. Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard and he shaved it off. Instantly he was trapped in the urn, to stay there forever.
The moral of the story?
A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
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An eye specialist to a patient: “Read those letters.”
Patient: “Where are they?”
Doctor: “On the board.”
Patient: “Where is the board?”
Doctor: “On the wall.”
Patient: “Where is the wall?”
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Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Pete says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."
The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment... then you don't make another payment for six months."
Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and says, "Who told you about us?"
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A Lebanese man was driving when he came to a Syrian Military checkpoint, staffed by a battalion that consisted of young men from Homsi. The young soldier pointed his rifle into this man's window and asked to see his papers. Then he asked him to get out of the car and open his trunk.
Realizing that if the soldier saw what was in his trunk he would be arrested, he told the young Homsi soldier that if he took his foot off the break, his car would roll down the hill. He instructed the soldier to get in the car and step on the break while the man opened the trunk.
The man opened the trunk and yelled to the soldier sitting in the car that there was nothing suspicious there. The young Homsi was satisfied and the thanked the Lebanese man and sent him on his way!
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Good morning everyboomie.
Just for the record, I disagree with the quote.
I went to the sod farm this morning, and got out there at about 8:10. Shortly after I got there, it started raining, but it didn't last very long. I went back to digging, and I dug here and dug there, and at about 10 other spots, but I never found a single point. I found pieces of blades and scrapers, but that's all.
By that time the storms were moving back in. I was poured on all the way home.
Now that we got a decent rain, I need to go back out there.
I have to work Friday, I am off on Saturday, and then I'm scheduled to work 6 days out of 7 next week.
Like THAT'S gonna happen.
Will have to ask her what she was thinking when she did that schedule tomorrow.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
to everyone! Enjoy the day!
