RAY KROC
Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get.
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Boss: “Sam, you are still so young. Why have you lost so much hair.”
Sam: “Yes sir, it's worry and tension.”
Boss: “What worry?”
Sam: “Losing my hair, sir.”
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I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.
Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine.
What! You've never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?
That one snuck up and bit me on the behind.
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A very learned and able astrologer was not having any success in his profession. He decided to make a really sensational and dynamic prediction to draw people’s attention and set about the task of various astrological calculations when he made a remarkable discovery. He once again confirmed his findings and made an announcement: “In ten months from now the entire universe will go dark.”
Exactly ten months later the astrologer lost his eyesight.
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My 10-year old son asked me, "There are so many people in the world. When they die, is Heaven is going to fill up?"
I replied, "No, that's most unlikely. The number of people who will actually go there is much smaller than those who think they'll go there. Hell is full of people who are incredibly surprised."
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One day, Little Tommy asked his Class teacher, "Teacher, why are the days longer in the summer?"
The teacher answered, "It's because of the heat. It makes everything expand."
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A young man walks through New York Chinatown and notices a shop with the name Hans Olaffsen's Laundry. He thought it seemed out of place but curiosity got the best of him and he walked into the shop. He sees an old Chinese man sitting in the corner.
He asked the old man, How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?
Old Man - That's the name of the owner.
Young Man - Who's the owner?
Old Man - I am.
Young Man - How did you get a name like Hans Olaffsen?
Old Man - Many years ago when I came to this country from Hong Kong, I was standing in line at Immigration. A man in front of me was a big blond Norwegian. The lady from Immigration asked him, What is your name? He say "Hans Olaffsen". Lady ask me, What is your name? I say Sam Ting.
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Biology Revisited
When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Thesaurus is an ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
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One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails.
"Good gracious," said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?"
"It vas really simple," was Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth."
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While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.
“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”
The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”
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You Might Be a Statistician if...
no one wants your job.
you are right 95% of the time.
you feel complete and sufficient.
you found accountancy too exciting.
you never have to say you are certain.
you may not be normal but you are transformable.
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Good morning everyboomie.
If I had a penny for every time I said that, my piggy bank would be a boar.
Welcome to the weekend everyone.
After work today I had to stop at Walmart for staples, then I came home and greeted my babies, and took them on walk-about, and after we got back from that I had hot dogs. Then after I ate a quick bite of chicken, I hopped on my trusty lawn mower and started mowing.
By the time I finished mowing, the rain had moved back in for a limited engagement.
I'm hungry.
Still thinking about my hot dogs, and wishing I had a hot dog.
That quick bite of chicken passed too quickly.
Time for me to go walk-about my kitchen.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Looks like it will have to wait until tomorrow. 
I'll finally be able to use it instead of having to look at it taunting me in its box. 
Have a fantastic Saturday, everyone. 
soot. 
with your projects.
lifting the bag of cement in to my van and didn't want to try it again today so will tackle that project tomorrow.