DIANE FORD
If women were in charge, all men’s underwear would come with an expiration date.
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A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"
"Somebody else's pants."
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Dean was once hiking in the mountain when he slipped on a loose rock and fell off a cliff. A few feet down, in desperation to save himself, he tried to grab whatever he could lay his hands on. At last he was able to get hold of a branch of a tree coming out of the side rock. He looked down the deep ravine and his head started to spin, his hand started to slip from the branch he was holding. He felt immense pain in his shoulder because of his own weight. Death seemed imminent. Looking up, he shouted: “Please help……. Is there anyone up there? Please help……. Someone…..”
A deep echoed voice was heard from the ravine: “Dear Dean, I am God down here to help you. Trust me………. Have faith in me……… let go of that branch……… I will catch you.”
Dean looked down, saw nothing, looked up and shouted: “Is there anyone else up there who can help me?”
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A CEO has his business going well, but he's a bit worried. He decides to check the competence of his employees.
The first person he meets is his assistant:
- Oh Miss, I'd like to ask you just a question. How much make 2+2 ?
- Yes Sir. Do you want a detailed memo on that?
- No, just answer the question.
- Well, I think it's 4.
Then he goes to the computer tech:
- Hi John! Just a question. Can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
John runs Excel, and after five minutes answers:
- It is 4.00 E+0, but I'm not sure, the support staff should come tomorrow. Will I ask them to check it?
Then he goes to the accountant:
- Hello mister, can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
- Well, well, I know I'm late. I'm sorry. I didn't already collect all the data, neither check all the accounts. But I can estimate it now between 3.196... and... let's say... 5.659. But I'll be able to make a much more accurate estimate within two weeks!
A bit disappointed, he goes to the sales manager:
- Hello Bob, could you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
- So... How much do you think it makes?
- I ask you to answer.
- Mmh... you don't want to tell me your price. You want me to make an offer. - Indeed.
- So, let's say 6! No, excuse me, you're not that kind of man, you know the market. I sell it to you for 5.25, and that's the price I' make for my best friend!
Then he goes to his lawyer:
- Good Morning Mister. Can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
- Right now?
- Yes!
- So, at first I would say 2, but I'm convinced that with a good preparation, we can get 3!
And, finally, he goes to the actuary:
- Hello Sir, can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
- Of course. It is... It is... Mmmmh, well, how much would you like it to make?
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An old woman says to her friend: “You know, last night I was shivering all over from cold.”
Her friend: “Do you remember if your teeth chattered?”
The old woman: “I don’t think so. We haven’t slept together for ages.”
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If you work late hours in office, the wife will say you don’t have time for her.
If you come home early or even in time, the wife will say you don’t have any work in office.
If you have headache at bed time, you don’t love your wife anymore.
If your wife suffers the same problem, she is over worked and tired.
If you are regular at gym, she will say ‘look at your age’ - why bother anymore?
If you don’t go to gym, she will say ‘look at your paunch’ why don’t you take care of yourself?
If you present her with a rose, she will say ‘why this buttering’?
If you don’t, she will say ‘you are not romantic anymore.”
If you suggest a restaurant, she will prefer a movie and vice versa.
If you suggest a movie, she will want to go to a restaurant.
WISDOM: It is not possible to satisfy your wife, leave her alone.
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Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike made a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape.
The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, "I've done it! I made it balance!"
Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's see... mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?"
"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"
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Sven couldn’t pronounce ‘th’. One day he displayed an old car and a bicycle in his compound, stood near the gate and started to shout: “Boat for sale…….. Listen everyone…….. Boat for sale……”
Sven’s neighbor asked: “Hey Sven, where the hell is your boat? I can see only your car and your bicycle.”
Sven: “Yes, they boat are for sale.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to your weekend.
It ain't mine though. I get to work both of them.
With that in mind, I did yesterday again today.
Yesterday was a great day, so I did that again all over. I did it here, and I did it there, and I did it everywhere.
I did some of it slow, and some of it I did quickly.
I did most of it with my eyes open, but I did a pretty fair amount of it with my eyes closed.
I did it on my feet, and I even did it on my seat.......several different seats as a matter of fact.
My point is, it was a happy day, and I hope today is the same for you.
joe
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witter
Dr. Suess Joe! I hope your workday goes well! 
Ana! That sounds like a challenge!
Finally, I'll get to turn it on and play around with my new dual boot. 
"Mud Away!"
