LINDA HERSKOVIC
I bought a bird feeder. It was expensive, but I figured in the long run it would save me money on cat food.
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Phil forgot his wife Mary's birthday and she was sure mad as hell.
Mary screamed at him ,"I can't believe this! After doing so much for you for all these years, how could you just forget my b'day?"
Phil replied, "Honey, its not my fault. You never seem to be getting any older. No wonder I forgot."
Mary's anger melted and she hugged Phil.
Phil winked at his refection in the mirror and thought to himself, "Thank God I could come up with this line and the timing was so right! Or else I would have had it today!!!"
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Stan, a trekking enthusiast, was on one of his trek trips when he realized he was lost. There was fog all around and visibility was poor. He kept wandering for 4 days and almost losing his mind, when the fog
receded, and he noticed a man in the distance. Hopes regained, he ran to the man and cried, "Help!"
The man asked him, "What happened?"
Stan replied, "I am lost! I have been wandering for the past 4 days without food and water."
The man asked him, "Is there a reward for you?"
Stan thought and replied, "I don't think so? Why?"
"Well, if that be the case, you are still lost!" replied the man, and disappeared into the fog.
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Peter Jones was lying on his deathbed. His family was there next to him - his wife Paula and his three sons. While two of his sons, Patrick and Pedro were handsome and well-built, the third son, Jeremy, was extremely ugly.
Peter says to his wife in a weak voice, "Paula dear, there is something that I always wanted to ask you. I can't go in peace unless I know. Is Jeremy really my son? Please tell me the truth. I will forgive you if you tell me the truth."
Paula strokes his hair gently and answers, "Yes, Jeremy is your son. I swear by God that you are his father. I would not lie to a dying man."
Peter, satisfied, by the answer, dies in peace.
Paula mutters, "What a relief he didn't ask about Patrick and Pedro."
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Gerald and Tony were the village fools who were made fun of all the time.
They were riding together on their bicycles, when Gerald stopped abruptly, got off his bicycle and began to let air out of the tyres.
Tony said to him, "What the hell are you doing?"
Gerald replied, "I wanted my seat to be low as I have to stretch too much while pedaling."
Tony could not stand such display of stupidity. He got off his bicycle, loosened his seat and turned it in the opposite direction.
Now, it was Gerald who was surprised. He asked, "And what are you doing?"
Tony replied, "Listen buddy, if you will continue doing such idiotic things, I am going back home."
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Ted and Diana met at a night club. After a couple of drinks, they decided to go to Diana's place. After a night full of passion, Diana was the first one to wake up.
She went to the kitchen, and called out, "Honey, would you like bed-tea?"
Ted replied, "No sugar, I will join you in the kitchen."
Diana said, "Darling, would you like corn flakes with milk for breakfast?"
Ted replied, "Sweety, I would prefer wheat flakes, thanks!"
Diana said, "Wait a minute...don't tell me you don't remember my name either!!"
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Jerry was driving his car in the countryside, when a very fat woman on a scooter zipped past him.
Jerry yelled, "Hey! Buffalo!"
The fat woman turned her head and yelled back, "You idiotic moron!"
The next thing she knew was that she was lying flat on on road and her scooter lay upside down. She realized she had an accident. It was the buffalo crossing the road that Jerry was warning her about!
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Two pirates, Rex Hawkbill and Don Blythe, both of them ship-wrecked from their respective vessels, met in the sea. Each was hanging on to his raft.
Rex Hawkbill called out to Don, "Ahoy! Did your ship sink?"
Don Blyth replied, "Yes, 6 months back."
Rex Hawkbill said. "Really? And you have been floatin' all this time?"
Don Blyth replied, "Aye, what about it?"
Rex Hawkbill asked, "How did you bear it for all this time?"
Don Blyth said, "I have been askin' myself the same thing. It was very boring, especially the weekends."
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Gina calls the police to report that her husband, John is missing since 3 days. An officer comes to meet her and asked her to describe her missing husband.
Gina tells the investigating officer, "John height is 6' 3", very handsome, has thick hair, and a smile that can light up a room."
The officer makes notes and then rings the neighbor's doorbell to investigate. The neighbor, Mrs. Jones tells him that she had noticed nothing unusual. When asked about John's appearance to match what his wife Gina had said, Mrs. Jones said, "She is a liar. John's must not be more than 5' 5". He is bald, has scars on his face and is always in a rotten mood."
Later that day, Mrs. Jones asks Gina why she had given false details to the officer.
Gina replied, "Well, if I reported him missing doesn't mean that I want John back."
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Nathan was up early on Sunday morning, dressed up, packed sandwiches for himself, took the dog by the leash, and tip-toed into the garage. He loaded the boat into his Chevrolet pick-up truck, fired it up and drove into the pouring rain. There was heavy snowfall with sharp gusts of wind. Nathan drove back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that there would be a storm.
So he quietly went back to the house, changed into his pyjamas and slipped into the. He ran his hand all over his wife's back and whispered, "The weather's really bad!"
She replied in a sleepy voice, "Can you believe that dim-witted husband of mine is fishing in these conditions!"
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Good morning everyboomie.
It's Friday, and as such it's a new world record. That's the very first Friday ever for this week.
I plan to savor every second of it......from the comfort of my air conditioned home sweet home.
I see a lot of talk in the diner about the heat and humidity. Here I was thinking I was the only poor soul suffering from that disease.
Today I started to do my exercises, and after doing two of them I said to heck with it. Yesterday left me too cramped up and sore.
On that subject, Soot I went out to the same place I've been going to all Spring, the sod farm. I haven't put much effort into finding a new place to hunt points, and with the Summer upon us, my hunting days are about over I'm afraid.
I'm ready for bed now, but I have a house guest. Little Beau is here with us until his Moms return from a wedding sometime after 10:00.
I wish you all a very happy day.
joe
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Good Morning Joe, venus, Ana and everyone. It's a beautiful cool start to the day here. Coffee and tea are ready.
Hope you're having a terrific Friday!
Our apartment complex is having free food this evening, so Thorsgoats is going to pick some up for us. 
Sunday I am going to the Pride Fest with my best friend from Grade school. She is in town for a few days. 
