RED SKELTON
A couple of rabbits were being chased by a pack of coyotes. They stopped in a haystack, and one rabbit said to the other, “We gonna make a run for it, or stay here and outnumber them?”
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Aron went to this new fast food joint in Infinity mall. Always demanding by habit, he said to the waiter, "Get me steak, not too rare, not too well done, just right in the middle."
His next demand was, "Get me nachos. Not too crispy, not too soggy, but right in the middle."
Another order followed, "Get me cold coffee, not too thick, not too thin, but right in the middle."
The waiter took the order and headed for the kitchen. He came back smiling and said to Aron, "Chef Jolly said you can kiss his backside, not on the right, not on the left, but right in the middle."
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Jim Weber, the conductor was furious with Hank, the drummer, who constantly seemed to be out of beat. Having supervised him for long hours, Jim felt frustrated as Hank did not show any signs of improvement.
Frustrated, Jim Weber reprimanded Hank, "When a performer can't perform anymore and is too stubborn to pick up, they give him 2 sticks, and make him a drummer."
A violinist whispered, "And if he doesn't even manage that, they snatch one of his sticks and make him a conductor!"
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Rob worked at the local post office, and one day he day he found a letter which was addressed to God. Intrigued, he decided to open it. It read:
Dear Allmighty
I am a 79 year old widow surviving on pension. Last evening, I got mugged on the streets, and was robbed of the $500 that I had to last me for the rest was of the month. It is my granddaughter's birthday next week and I had planned on buying a nice present for her. Now, I have no money even to buy food. I am depending on you for help.
In need
Suzie.
Rob was moved by the letter and showed it to all his colleagues. Immediately, everyone started contributing to a small fund they created. When they counted the money, it totaled to $490. They put it in an envelope & sent it to Suzie anonymously. Thinking that Suzie would now be able to buy a gift for her granddaughter, they all felt good for having contributed to a noble cause.
A few days later, they found another letter from the old widow which was again addressed to God. All the employees in the dept gathered to read the letter.
The letter said:
Dear Almighty
I can't thank you enough for your kind gesture. I was able to buy a nice gift for my granddaughter and felt so satisfied to see the happiness on her face when she received the gift. I was also able to pull through the rest of the month. Just wanted to inform you that there were $10 short in the envelope. I am sure it is the work of those crooks in the postal department. I hope you will punish them!
Ever-so-grateful
Suzie.
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I was an air-hostess employed with Kingfisher Airlines. One day, minutes after the last announcement for boarding the flight, I saw a man rush in and looking for an empty seat. He spotted one and flopped into the seat. Later in the night, I noticed that the guy was getting disturbed by the constant fidgeting of a woman seated next to him. She would keep switching the lights on and off, get up frequently to go to the toilet. But the guy did not say anything and just kept quiet.
I felt sorry for him, so I went up to him and whispered, "Sir, would you like to take another seat?"
He smiled and replied, "My wife has been irritating me for several years. Not much point in separating us now!"
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Rob called his lawyer for some urgent work and the lawyer's secretary answered, "I am afraid I have bad news. He died this morning."
Rob called back again after some time, and got the same answer.
He called 10 more times, and the lawyer's secretary, clearly angered by now, shouted, "Don't you understand? He's DEAD!!!"
Rob replied, "I just love to hear it over & over again!"
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Mrs. Morgan's doctor was shocked when she asked him for birth-control pills. "But Mrs. Morgan," the doctor said, "You are 73 years old. What do you want to do with birth control pills?"
Mrs. Morgan replied, "Those pills help me sleep in peace."
The doctor, more puzzled, asked, "What have birth control pills got to do with sleep?"
Mrs. Morgan smiled and said, "My teenaged granddaughter is quite a wild cat. I put the pills in her milk everyday and it helps me sleep peacefully."
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Joe was in Honolulu for his honeymoon. He had rented a flat for 2 weeks as he wanted to avoid a hotel. After the first night, Joe woke after early next morning, prepared a breakfast of scrambled eggs, toast and coffee. He brought the breakfast for his wife Clara to enjoy it in bed.
Clara was thrilled.
Joe said to her, "Hope you have carefully observed what I did."
Clara replied, "Yes of course. Everything that you did."
Joe said, "That's good. This is how I want you to serve me from tomorrow."
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to your weekend, and again I get to work both days, but that's ok. I'm ready for them.
Next week's schedule I work Sunday and Thursday and Saturday, which is ok with me. This Saturday is still on this week's schedule.
Speaking of Saturday, my work day starts at 6:30 in the morning, so my day actually starts at about 4:30am. That's '
after
midnight' Woo Hoo
It's 7:40 right now and still 91 degrees. This morning I took the dogs to the park, and then went to WM for a couple of items, and then I took my truck in for it's first oil change. After I got home I started mowing my yard inside the fence. I thought I could mow it all, but after mowing inside the fence I had to stop.
I'm such a wimp in the heat.
Unless I'm hunting heads.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, Ana, venus and all. Not a bad schedule Joe. Ana sounds like a fun day! Venus enjoy lunch with your Mom. Coffee and tea are ready.
THe weather was fantastic where we were, but home got battered. Hopefully no damage. but we will see in the morning.
