RODNEY DANGERFIELD
People seldom live up to their baby pictures.
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Two psychiatrists had taken the evening off to have some fun and are enjoying a ride on a bike. They have an accident and one of them, who had taken a bad fall, in grievously injured, with cuts, bruises and a lot of bleeding. The other sits by his side and asks, "Do you want to talk about it ?"
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One early morning, Rehan’s wife died after a long illness. Rehan called for an ambulance from the funeral service. He said: “My wife is no more. She died this morning.”
The operator said, “I am sorry to hear that. I will arrange to send an ambulance right away. And what is the name of the street, sir?”
Rehan replied, “It’s Chincholi Bunder road.”
The Operator asked: “Err….. will you spell it for me, sir? “
Rehan replied, “No I will just haul her down to your place.”
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An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, “Mira el mosca!” The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, “No, senor, ‘la mosca’… es feminina.” The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, “Good heavens… you must have incredibly good eyesight.”
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Advertising Goof Ups
Girl wanted to assist a magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
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The things that we have learnt from the popular series Baywatch:
1. The favorite pass-time in the US is running on the beach in slow-mo.
2. US citizens almost drown twice an hour.
3. In spite of the above tendency, CPR almost always helps and there are never any deaths.
4. If you are American, you are likely to introspect looking at the ocean for a long time after being told anything of significance.
5. Fat guys can't be relied on and are always scheming.
6. American girls have enormous assets that are given prominence with close-ups for long lasting screen shots.
7. In CA, there is greater probability of one getting kidnapped by jewellery robbers or by terrorists than drown.
8. All lifeguards who claim to be underprivileged, own flashy sports cars and beach homes.
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Posh and Becks had taken a cab from Heathrow Airport to Central London. "Where have you been?" asks the cabbie. "New York," says Beckham. "We saw a show and did some shopping." "Did you have any nice meals?" asks the cabbie. "Yes, one really great one." "What was the name of the restaurant?" asks the cabbie. "Dunno. I can't remember. Name some big railway stations in London," says Beckham. The cabbie begins: "Waterloo, Paddington, Victoria..." Beckham interrupts excitedly: "That's it! Victoria, what was the name of that restaurant we went to?"
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Jerry Pinto, the lawyer pays a visit to his client on death row, and says to him, "I have some good news for you, George."
George, the client says, "What good news can there possibly be? You lost my case, I was convicted of a murder I did not commit, and I've been sentenced to die in the electric chair!"
Jerry Pinto, the lawyer says, "Yes, but I got the voltage reduced."
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Mike and his wife Dara were walking across Southsea Common one Sunday afternoon. In the bandstand the combo was playing a catchy sounding tune, and Dara said, "I wonder what the name of that tune is." Mike noticed that there was a sign posted near the bandstand and said, "It looks like they post the titles of the tunes they play. I'll go down and see." A while later Mike returned and said to Dara, "It's one I don't know, it's called 'The Refrain from Spitting'."
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Here are some amazing examples of lawyers cross-questioning in court.
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning was he dead?
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You, too, were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
Q: Now, Mrs Brown, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.
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Good morning everyboomie.
I hope you're all ready for a great Friday.
I went to work this morning and spoke with my manager when she came in at 11:00. I asked her to take me off the schedule for a week or two.
I came home after that. I haven't been able to mow my yard for a long time because of the heat, or rain, so I did that while we were cloudy and a bit cooler this morning.
With the heat, there's not much to do outside. I'll take the dogs to the park early.
We have more rain in the forecast, and more cooler temperatures, so maybe we can get out and go head hunting this weekend.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Joe enjoy time at the park with the dogs. Ana sounds like a nice afternoon with James. Coffee and tea are ready.
oh , soot - hell is a dry heat , but i wouldn't live there either !
looney. 