Napoleon Hill
If you cannot do great things, do small things in a great way.
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SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.
Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?
Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.
Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.
Me: What is a vowel?
Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …
Me: Close enough.
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My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat
circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”
The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.”
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I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have
a better chance of dying from the
anesthesia than the surgery itself.”
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My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time,
I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.
After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”
Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”
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The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up.
“How old are you?” a tenant asked.
“I’m 81 years old,” he answered.
The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”
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From the police blotter:• A deputy responded to a report
of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes.
It was the mail carrier.
• A woman said her son was
attacked by a cat, and the cat would not allow her to take her son to the hospital.
• A resident said someone had
entered his home at night stole five pounds of bacon. Upon further investigation, police discovered
his wife had gotten up for a late-night snack.
• A man reported that a squirrel
was running in circles on Davis Drive, and he wasn’t sure if it was sick or had been hit by a car. An
officer responded, and as he drove on the street, he ran over the squirrel.
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We were tearing down an
old three-seater outhouse when my neighbor asked if she could have the single-plank, three-hole outhouse seat. I said sure.
Six months later, she invited me
to her home. There she showed
off her newly designed family room, complete with a single-plank,
three-hole picture frame featuring her three grandchildren.
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Have you ever been a victim
of a JIB (job interview breakdown)? These men and women have:• “I was so nervous at a job interview, when he asked me what I wanted to be in five years, I said, ‘Race car driver.’”
• “The guy asked me to tell him
a little about myself, and I literally forgot who I was.”
• “I got asked about punctuality.
I went on about how it was good
to speak clearly and politely, and
it was nice to use proper grammar
in speech and writing.”
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My friend, an intern, was given $50 to get the chairman of the bank some lunch. Told to get himself something too, he bought a shirt.
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When my three-year-old was told
to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With
a shaking voice, he asked, “Do I have to drink it?”
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The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for
our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”
My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”
The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”
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My high school assignment
was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served
in the Philippines during the war,
I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”
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My wife, a phlebotomist at the Denver VA hospital, entered a patient’s room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she
remarked, “An apple a day keeps
the doctor away, right?”
“That’s true,” he agreed. “I haven’t seen a doctor in three days.”
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My colleague has been living
in this country only a few months,
and although normally chipper, he recently looked sad. When I asked what was wrong, he responded glumly, “Today, everything wrong is going in my favor.”
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Three Dumb ER Stories You’re Allowed To Laugh At“Patient in to ER at 0400 with no complaints: ‘I have been having chest pain for 4 months but I am not having chest pain now. The reason I’m here now is because I heard that 4am is the best time to come cause there are not that many people.’ ”
“Had a woman call 911 because she ‘had déjà vu in the shower and got nervous.’”
“Got a frantic call from a woman who claimed she had overdosed and needed help immediately. We arrive on scene, and she hands us an empty mint container, saying she took them all. That night she learned that you cannot overdose on mints.”
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My boss and I took a job applicant to lunch, where we tried, with little success, to get him to open up about his experience and qualifications. Frustrated, my boss set his salad aside and proposed a specific and complex situation to the young man, then asked, “What would you do?”
The applicant hesitated, then, looking my boss straight in the eye, said, “Are you going to eat all those tomatoes?”
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The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.”
My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
I didn't leave the house today, much to the dismay of my dogs.
I didn't get moving early enough, and it heated up early, so I decided to stay home.
I did a bunch of house cleaning activities, and cleaned Pepper's house as well, which actually took longer.
Missy was so determined I was going to take her to the park that she would not come inside, and stayed outside all morning long.
Saturday I have to do what I put off doing today, go get groceries.. It'll be much busier.
Have a very happy day everyone.
joe
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witter
Good Morning Joe, soot, Ana, Space and all. Today is the start of the Tour de France. Hubby and I will be watching it on TV. It runs for 3 weeks! Love watching it as it passes thru different countries in Europe. Beautiful quaint villages, spectacular mountains! Wonderful to watch!
Dad & Teenage daughter 
Keeping you and Baby in my prayers always...
No plans until Monday, when I'm going to see fireworks and listen to the orchestra with my mom and Thorsgoats. 
Today, I'm going to relax after the tumultuous last few weeks/months, maybe find a game or two to play. 
