Lou Holtz
Ability is what you’re capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.
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After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.”
Here’s what Siri sent: “You need
to get back to work now; you have
a has-been to support.”
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My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir, are you going to answer me?”
The neighbor leaped to his feet. “Are you talking to me?” he asked. “Sorry; I can’t hear a darn thing.”
The case was dismissed.
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A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza:
Customer: Yoooo I ordered a Pizza
& Came with no Toppings on it or anything, Its Just Bread
Domino’s: We’re sorry to hear about this!
Customer (minutes later): Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down :/
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The last time we changed from daylight saving time, a preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow me to remind you that tonight is the night you set your clock back 45 minutes.”
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My friend at the singles club was blithely chatting away, oblivious
to the fact that her name tag had slipped down over her breast. I asked another friend if I should say something to her. “Like what?” she asked. “What she named the other one?”
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The food at the sandwich shop
I frequent is good, but any deviation from the norm throws the staff. I once told a clerk that I wanted only half a sandwich. His reply: “What am I going to do with the other half?” A week later, when I told another clerk the same thing, she responded, “Do you want the top or the bottom?”
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My five-year-old, Matt, worked with a speech therapist on the ch sound, which came out k. The
therapist asked him to say chicken. He responded with kitchen. They tried again and again, but it always came out kitchen. Undeterred, she pushed him for one more try. Matt sighed and said, “Why don’t we
just call it a duck?”
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Funny Military Punishments (According to Reddit)
• We made a private sweep all the sunshine off the sidewalks. It took the poor guy all day.
• Our squad leader was yelling at a soldier when he abruptly stopped and said, “I’m done yelling at you. It doesn’t work.” He stormed off and returned carrying a small potted tree. “You will carry this tree with you wherever you go. If anyone asks you why you’re carrying this tree, you will say, ‘It’s to replace the oxygen I stole from everyone else.’”
• A recruit thought he was special because he was an Eagle Scout. The drill instructor picked up on this and took him into the woods and made him build a nest. Then he had him squat over it in order to keep his eggs warm.
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An ad for a hedge clipper that
I had to read twice: “A built-in safety switch prevents accidental starting, and blades will stop when you take one hand off.”
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I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor.
He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because, as he put it, “I have a new obstetrician.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
Another day of whiz-bang-pop, and then after dark it's BOOM! We had another storm last night.
I don't know how much rain there was, but the sod farm would have been better called the sog farm, as in soggy. It was muddy, and very slippery trying to get to the back of it where the pits are, and of course the pits had a lot of water in them.
I had a good day though. I found 4 points, and several scraper-blades.
The fireworks have my dogs on edge. In our neighborhood, the neighbors caddie-cornerd from me have about 8 kids, all adopted, but they are about the only ones in the hood that set off a lot of fireworks.
I remember year before last, I had to get up at 3:30am on the 6th for work, and went to bed at 7:30, and they were out there still popping the M80s till after 9 pm.
We could have more thunder boomers tonight, but I'm not expecting much.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe